December 23, 2010

Christmas Presents from School

Z-Toad (1st Grade):
Z-Toad's class all mailed home Christmas Cards.   The card is entitled My Wish For You.
Z-Toad wrote:
I wish my Mom and Dad good luck (um, sure, we could use that!).  I wish Mom to Not to wev (a statement designed purely to guilt me!  He doesn't mind me leaving as long as he gets to come).   Yes or No  ( I guess I am suppose to circle and return)?   So we can b a famay (I guess it does not count as a family if the mom leaves ever as Daddy goes to work everyday and that doesn't seem to be a problem.).

J-Toad (3rd Grade):
J-Toad's class built little mini houses and they had to write about their house.
J-Toad wrote:

The House  Rated PG 13  (I am not sure what to be concerned about - That J-Toad thinks his life is a movie or that our house is not okay for those under 13 without parental supervision??)
I like my house alot (great so does the bank).  I like my house alot because of the computer room and the computer (good to know that us breathing humans are such an integral part of your life).
I like my computer because I get to play World of Warcraft, Roblox, and FusionFall.  Plus I get to sit in my epic computer chair so soft (the word "epic" will soon be banned in this house).   I also like my yard outside.  My yard is huge  (no it is not - under 1/2 acre) and it has climbing dome on it (that you have been on twice).  We also have a shed that has the lawnmower, some toys, rats (also not true - they are little field mice), and posters so it is a mess.  We also love when Mom makes something Z-Toad and I like to call brownies (they are in fact brownies - this is not some code word for something else).  Brownies are the rich chocalaty taste you'll never outgrow (perhaps a marketing future?).  Then in the computer room we have our epic Christmas tree with a ton of lights (out of the box with preinstalled lights - I must agree this invention is EPIC!).   I have 10 presents and Z-Toad has 9 because his are larger than mine (A fact that J-Toad has felt the need to point on daily to Z-Toad.  In fact, Mommy lost count and refused to do anymore shopping).  Our Christmas tree is in the basement so Dad has to get it out of there in the dark cold basement of DOOM (the basement is 1/2 finished and as far as I know nothing doom-worthy has ever occurred).  In our bedroom we have bunk beds that are so totally epic (J-Toad's bed is close to the ceiling fan so he must duck and dodge the spinning fins - a real life video game).   I have a DS that broke but I'm going to get me a DSI xl bundle hopefully (Ho Ho Ho!).  My favorite food is meatloaf but mom doesn't make it much anymore and Zachary's super glad! (guilty - I have not made it in ages cause I am old and get tired of arguing with Z-Toad to eat his dinner).  I like this story because it is so totally epic (yes, J-Toad, it is totally wicked radical, man).

December 17, 2010

More Gems from Z-Toad.....

On the way home from school Z-Toad told me that he wanted me to have a baby.   He said it was because he wanted to have a baby sister.
I think my 44 year old body collectively shuddered at the thought.
Z-Toad said "Mom, God wants you to have another baby."  

Who the hell thought it was a good idea to send these children to Catholic school?  Seriously $600 per month for sex education??   I swear if he starts quoting "go forth and multiply...."

How was I going to tell him that God had already let me know that I was in fact done?  See once you start getting gray hair um, not on your head, that is officially God's way of sticking a fork in you. 

And more stretch marks?  One can already map out most of the US highway systems on my belly.  Who the hell needs a Tom-Tom when we have Roadmap Mama!   She talks, does laundry, makes dinner, nags, bitches, and comes complete with her own map.   Never get lost again!

And then the conversation continued:

J-Toad:  "No - we don't want anymore kids - that would mean less for us." 
     Yeah I know I should have done the mom speech about sharing but I didn't.  Instead 
Me: That's right Z-Toad - you would get less presents at Christmas.  Babies cost a lot of money and a baby would take a lot of my time.  Which would take more time away from you.
      I'm taking the express train to hell.   Toot - Toot.  All Aboard.

Z-Toad: "All you have to do is kiss Daddy."
     Damn - you mean I didn't have to do all that other stuff?  Wait until I see your father.

J-Toad: "No Z-Toad it is more complicated than that."
Z-Toad: "Oh, yeah, Mom you have to have S-E-X, right?"
   Hold up - I spend hours and hours spelling trick words with this little shit and he still can't friggin   spell AS without tapping it out - but SEX he can spell?!?
J-Toad: "You don't even know what sex is, Z-Toad"
Z-Toad: "Yes I do"
   OH. DEAR. GOD.  I'm a good person - okay well I could be worse.  Anyway,  I don't usually ask for anything but do you think it would be too much to whip up a tornado?   Maybe a sudden hail storm?   How about some locusts and frogs?  Can't you do that?  Anything that will distract this conversation...... Please..... 

Z-Toad: "It is when you get naked and get on top of one another."
   I think I am hyperventilating.  Maybe if I pretend pass out and make like we are going to crash?
Z-Toad: "And then you touch pee-pee's"
   WHAT?????   Holy Shit.   How?  What?  Am I still driving?   Seriously what am I being punished for?
Z-Toad: "Is that close, Mom?"
   Mom???  Who the hell is he talking too?   Oh Yeah me.  Shit.  Seven - he is 7 - this is not the time for that talk, um, right?   Well shit I am 44 and this is SO not the right time for me.   Um............. 

J-Toad:  "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross."
   And ding ding we have a winner....     Goooooooooooooooooooooooo J-Toad!!!   Way to come in and rescue the day.  
Z-Toad:  "I know I know - I was just joking."

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!

November 23, 2010

What I Am Thankful For.......

  1. I am thankful to my neighbor for hanging not 1, not 2, but THREE wind chimes on their back deck which happen to face my master bedroom window.   My day is so much more productive when I am awaken at 5 AM.  Remote starting your car and listening to the engine wind has saved me the trouble of setting a back-up alarm for 5:30.   Letting the dogs out at 6 AM is a great final reminder to get up.  Thank You.
  2. I am thankful to my husband for still NOT removing the air conditioner in the master bedroom so that the stink bugs have somewhere safe and warm to escape to before winter sends them to their death.  Perhaps we could forego the screens next summer so the wasps and bees could build their hives inside?
  3. I am thankful to wake up every morning when I fall into the toilet cause one of the boys has failed to put the seat back down.   Well, actually I AM thankful that my ass is still small enough to do that ;)
  4. I am thankful for a Dunkin Donuts who has thought of several creative ways to fulfill my morning iced coffee with milk and sugar order.   It is a unique approach to customer service.   Oh - and extra kudos for those mornings when you forget to include the straw!
  5. I am thankful to my husband for being so considerate of my time so as to not waste it on silly things like foreplay.   "Well the kids are asleep" is all the encouragement I need.
  6. I am thankful for the car, pellet stove, and TV all breaking in one week so I could easily balance my checkbook to zero.   Having to add and subtract a bunch of numbers is just too much work.
  7. I am thankful for Z-Toad being such a loving child so that he shares every cold, cough, and sniffle he gets with me.  It is great that he is only sick for a few days and that I get to keep his "love" much longer.
  8. I am also thankful for Z-Toad ratting me out to the cop when I was pulled over.  The officer asked me if I knew the speed limit.  I said "no".  Z-Toad loudly spoke up "Mommy I just told you that the speed limit was 30 and you said it didn't matter."   Glad to see my "Be Honest" lessons have been heard.  Although - "Stay away from the hot stove", "use your fork to eat", "GO get a tissue", and "we don't do that in front of anyone" have been universally ignored.
  9. I am thankful for J-Toad being so smart that after having BMI explained to him he exclaimed "Wow, mom yours must be like 90" to the room.   I am also thankful that J-Toad is capable of "reading" my bitch-face quickly and recanted his statement before Child Welfare needed to be called.
  10. Lastly I am thankful for all this wonderful technology.  Without I-phones, I-pads, X-Box's, Wii's, laptops, World of Warcraft, DS, Facebook, etc..... why we might have to {shudder} speak to one another.  Um - other than.   "Do you remember my password?",  "Can you put your headphones on?",  "Daddy how do I get to Dalaran?" and "Why can't I take my I-Pod into the bathroom?" 
Hope everyone has a Very Happy Thanksgiving!!!  I am very thankful to have such a wonderful family that gives me plenty of material to blog about!!


November 8, 2010

I Am A Very Lucky Person

You know how you have friends who win the lottery, raffle tickets, or pretty much anything based on chance?   Yeah, that is not me.   It could be you and me in a drawing.   I could have 3,450,345 tickets and you could have one.   Your name would be the one pulled.   I am not bitter.   Cause today I figured out that I am in fact truly lucky where it counts.   My kids are still alive despite me leaving them with Mr. Toad for extended periods of time.  It is miraculous really.  Three humans each with a Y chromosome left to their own devices coming out alive on the other end.   It can only be described as L U C K!

  • Mr. Toad decided to play capture the flag with the young ones.  He wanted something white to put around his neck that the children would need to try and capture.   What is white in your house??   Did you say a t-shirt?   A simple cotton t-shirt - how could that be dangerous - silly - try again.   How about a towel?  Good guess but no cause that would have meant walking up and then back down 13 steps.  Hint: Think Kitchen.   How about a trash bag?   A plastic trash bag with one of those drawstring ties?    How could kids not have fun with that?  I walked in to find my oldest with it over his head.  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
  • How about a good old-fashioned game of blind man's bluff.   Mr. Toad is blindfolded and he has to try to find the kids.   How would you blindfold yourself?   How about a pillowcase over your head??  And just for good measure why not play on the second floor in the hall near the stairs.   Don't say that we don't know how to live dangerously!  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
  • I came home late one night after a show.  About 3AM J-Toad is throwing up in the toilet.  And of course who does he wake to go thru this with him - MOM!!!   So I feel bad - rubbing his back - holding back my own gag reflexes when I figure out that he ate the POUND AND A HALF of grapes that were JUST bought a few hours ago.   Where was your father?   He was playing on his computer.   Need I tell you who spent the rest of the night with the sick child?
  • And just to drive the point home that you can NOT teach an old dog new tricks.   This just replayed itself out shortly after Halloween when J-Toad consumed 1/2 bag of smarties while I was out that night.   Men do not have any common sense - no matter the size, age, or supposed braindom.
  • We recently moved a broken TV into another room to await its eminent disposal.  I told the kids to NOT climb on top of it (cause, um, they are boys, it looks tall and foreboding, they are boys, it is not stable, they are boys, and as the only XX in the house I am the only voice of reason).  J-Toad says "oh - I climb on top of the TV in the toy room all the time."   What?!?!  "You can't do that" I yell like the crazy neurotic mom that I am.   J-Toad retorts: "Well Daddy sees me do it all the time and he doesn't say anything."   Even after all I have come to know and learn about Mr. Toad,  I yelled back at him "Don't lie to me!".   Ya know where this is going right?    Yes, Daddy did in fact know about it and no he didn't tell him to stop.  Why Why Why?   I ask.    "I don't want to coddle them and act like they need to where a helmet for everything".   Yeah - I got nothing anymore.   Does it surprise anyone that any male makes it past the age of 10?
  • And lastly - my current favorite.....  Mr. Toad told me to go upstairs the other night to have some alone time and he would take care of the kids.   Yes, I know, I fell for it.    I was tired.   I was sick.   What can I say?  I have no excuses.  I came downstairs 2 hours later to find Z-Toad in what I, being the neurotic XX of the house,  would call a precarious position (you will recall from an earlier post that Z-Toad is the child that had the Mac-N-Cheese incident and was in the ER with 3rd degree burns.   You will also recall that I was not the parent involved.  I am just sayin').   We have a pellet stove - no it does not have a gate around it cause I have a 46, 9, and 7 year old that I was pretty sure, up until this day, understood that a STOVE gets HOT and when it is HOT that it can BURN so - follow me now cause I am going to take a huge step here - as a result one should STAY THE FUCK AWAY from it.   Holy Hell.   There is Z-Toad in only his underwear STANDING on a chair INCHES away from the stove.   WHY?   Well it seems he was cold.  All 3 of my Y chromosomed humans look at me with a unified "DUH" look - just moments away from a collective grunt and ball scratch.   Cue my WTF look at Mr. Toad.   "Well I didn't want to send him upstairs to get more clothes and disturb you."   Nothing - and I mean nothing - says I Love You like sacrificing a loved one in favor of another.

November 2, 2010

Some Funnies & {Gulp} Political Nonsense!

I am not in a particularly good mood today.   I took both kids for their yearly physicals.   Z-Toad asked the doctor why "he was playing with his balls?"  "And, how come his is so much bigger than his brothers?"  I in turn asked the pediatrician when the filter between his mouth and brain would mature.  The outlook was not good.  He is after all male.

Both boys are mainly fine.   J-Toad has to see a geneticist (he has some odd things) and an orthopedist for his feet/ankles.   Both children flunked their eye exams.  Nice.   We won't talk about the $400 we just spent on J-Toad's glasses like 6 months ago.   I told Mr. Toad that we should just get them dollar sign costumes for next year.  Oi.

To top it off I have this nasty cold/flu/virus thing that my lovely Z-Toad gave to me from one his snot-nosed little classmates.   I blamed him for my misery and I told him that.  So there - take that to therapy when you are older.  Z-Toad told me it was my own fault for loving him so much - too many hugs and kisses.  Huh.   Take a lesson mom's: even when doing the right thing we will be blamed. 

Now on to politics........ Cause today is the day to be heard (cough cough phlegm phlegm).   I am sick to death (no pun intended) of the stupid ads, sick of people posting little political gems on their facebook walls, sick of all the lunatics waving at me when I drive (I seriously considered swerving taking out a bunch of them).    Do they think that matters? If your decision making is based upon which lunatic can jump up and down the most or wave at you the most frantically - Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.  

And Do NOT robocall me.  Just DON'T do it.  Even if you are the candidate I like it makes me want to pluck my eyes out.    It would be interesting to see a study on how many people actually listen to the whole call - like maybe 1%.    Um, this should NOT be a government sponsored survey.   It is a joke.    If you are the moron who developed this telephonic nightmare - Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

My candidate(s) sucks. period.  And so does yours.  Both have said sucky things, have done sucky things, and, guess what, will continue to do sucky things no matter what they say/do/act now.  You realize it is all just a game of who has done the least offensible things?  My candidate only cheated on his wife while yours cheated 1,000's out of money.   TIME OUT - both of you suck!   None of them can get where they are (read: monies) without owing various people / groups a myriad of things.   None of them give a rats ass about you or your family.   They all have skeletons - be careful about throwing stones cause they will be picked up and thrown right back. Cynical I know.  Are you stupid enough to believe that you will get a free house or anything else they promise if they are elected? Then Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.  

You are NOT a Democrat, Republican, Tea Party or whatever.   NO ONE can agree 100% with their party - NOT possible.   If you tell me you are 100% whatever than you are incapable of having a coherent thought on your own.   Everyone should be a registered Independent and NONE of the candidates should have a little symbol next to their name.  How about just a checklist of questions/answers from each of them?   Like when you want compare products on Amazon.    Even then I doubt you will not find a SINGLE candidate that you will agree 100%  of the time.   You picked your spouse cause you had so much in common - do you agree with them 100% of time??  And some of you have picked several spouses and been wrong every time.  Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

If you vote Republican or Democrat based upon which animal you like the best.  Dear God Please Do NOT Vote. 

If you picked your candidate based only on what Glenn Beck has said, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

If you picked your candidate based upon the "comedic" satire of Joy Behar, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

Your politics will change over time - based upon your own life and what is most important to you at that time. I do not consider myself politically savvy - who the hell has the time?.  I catch what I can  and go from there.   I do believe that most people do not know exactly what they are.  They are either the political party of their parents or have been the same political party forever!  Political parties have changed/evolved over time and it may be time to get reacquainted with what exactly each stands for.  There are plenty of websites you can go to find out where you fall on the political spectrum.   Some of you will be surprised.  

I got 57% Republican and 43% Democrat.    I think it was pretty accurate:

I believe in smaller government (live by Keep It Simple Stupid. Bigger = more potential corruption)
Stop fucking around with my constitutional rights.  If you wander in my house at midnight it is my right to blow your head off.
Balance the damn budget (I can't spend more than what I earn so either should you).
Provide help to those who truly need it (do not make it more attractive to be a sloth).
Stop the profit driven Go Green campaign.
Ensure that everyone is treated fairly.
Adopt a flat tax so everyone pays the same amount. Period. No exemptions/deductions/loopholes.  Your welcome I just eliminated the IRS.
Drill for friggin oil off our shores.
Put up the damn windmills.
Let gay people get married.  Why shouldn't they suffer enjoy marriage like anyone in love?
Set Term Limits (to serve in office is suppose to be a altruistic not a way of lining your own pocket).
Protect this country - invest in the military.
If you are here and illegal - make yourself legal - work hard and enjoy the American dream.
Protect our borders.  A fence - a moat - a bubble - whatever just do it.
This is America - Buck the Fuck Up - Hard Work Should Be Rewarded.

If you want/expect a free ride, get the hell out.

Please, Dear God, exercise your right to be heard and VOTE!


October 27, 2010

Facts of Life....... and Duct Tape!

Mr. Toad comes home the other night and tells me that talk radio (cause that's the way he rolls) says we should already be talking to our kids about the "Facts of Life".   Giving them all the correct terminology and explaining how tab 1 fits into slot 1.

A couple of things about Mr. Toad:  a) I say at least once a week just cause you heard it somewhere or read it somewhere does it make true or applicable to us,  b) If you ask Mr. Toad to explain something you better want the ENTIRE answer.  Abridged is not in his vocabulary.   The little toads will sometimes preface a question with "Dad please the short version".  I glaze over after 2 minutes so I hope that all relevant information is given to me with than 120 second window.  And c) Mr. Toad's idea of the Facts of Life talk is get as much as you can, as often as can without catching anything or procreating.   I am sure in Mr. Toad's head he can picture all of them high -five'ing each other while reliving tales of sexual exploits.   That line between parent and friend being somewhat blurry for him.

It is not that J & Z Toad are shy, they ask questions ALL the time.  Luckily they have only questioned me cause if Mr. Toad were to explain they would be qualified to teach sex ed (and probably most of your husbands).   Hmmmmmm - I think I inadvertently gave Mr. Toad a compliment.

On the way home from school Z-Toad informed me that lunch time conversation included sex. 
Me: What is sex?
Z-Toad: You know when you make out and stuff.
Me: Define stuff?
Z-Toad: You know everyone is naked and the girl tells the boy to get on the bed and she gets on top.
Me: *I think I may have fainted but we are still on the road.  Although next time I may seriously consider hitting a tree as a way of stopping conversations I am not prepared for.*
J-Toad:     Z,  you keep your underwear on!!.
Me:  *Note: Ahhhh J-Toad to the rescue - you've always been my favorite*
Z-Toad: Oh yeah I know.   But not the girl's bra cause ya know boobs!!!
**giggle giggle snort**
Me:  So does anyone have homework???
Editor's Note:  Evidently a classmate of Z-Toad, SexBoy, saw his parents and I assume that the mom in that house is the dom as she tells her hubby to get on the bed.  Just cause, ya know , I didn't want y'all thinking something else.  Just wanna make sure we are clear.

Fast forward a few days later also on the way home from school:
Z-Toad:  (out of the blue) So where do babies come out?
J-Toad:  They come out the mommy's butt
Me:  * J-Toad - you little shit - you are so NOT my favorite*
Cue lots of laughter and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww butt jokes.  Gotta love boys.
Me:  God gave women another hole just for babies to come out.
Z-Toad:  Did God give girls that hole instead of a pee-pee.
Me:  Um....... well..............girls can have babies - boys can't - and girls don't have pee-pee.
Z-Toad:  Can I see your baby hole when we get home?
Me:  NO!!!!   I think we are done for today.
J-Toad:  Z - it is near mommy's private parts so you can't see it.
Z-Toad:  Mommy - you can put duct tape over your pee-pee so we can't see that and then we can see the baby hole.

Oh. Dear. God.


October 22, 2010


Today started off like any other - the Toads jumping out of their beds eager to start the day and get ready for school.   Sitting at the table, laughing and talking with each other, as I, June Cleaver whipped up a batch of pancakes to give the joys of my life a hot hardy breakfast before school...............

Yeah - right.   You all believed that right??   I think I was that delusional when I thought about life with my future kids.    So. Not. True.

I get up and get ready first (this includes showering, dressing, face, emptying the dishwasher, checking on any orders, folding laundry, oh wait and of course my 5 mile run on my treadmill & properly waking Mr. Toad).  I will leave you to figure out which things are most probably true in that last statement.   Then it is time to wake the toads.   J- Toad is first.   I literally pull him out of bed, stand him and send him off to the bathroom where he attempts to pee into the toilet with his eyes closed.   Then I brush his teeth (yes I still do cause he would brush them for 2 seconds and my dental hygenist totally appreciates that I still brush them - don't ya??).  Then I send him back to his room to put his uniform on (which was laid out the night before).

Now it is time for Z-Toad.   Z-Toad will WHINE and MOAN the whole time, kind of like a husband only shorter with a higher pitched voice.   The bathroom ritual is repeated with him as well but I wet his hair in the morning (his is naturally curly so because they shower the night before his hair looks like a brillo pad).   He HATES to brush his teeth so it takes like 5 minutes for him to get himself "ready" for me to brush them.  I send him off to get naked, put jammies in the washer, and then help him with his uniform.

Back to J-Toad who is now dressed...... like a hobo - the shirt is not tucked in - the collar is half in and half out - and the hair is a tangled mess.   I make J-Toad presentable.

Everyone now downstairs where the standard breakfast is toast with peanut butter (with the crust cut off for Z-Toad and LIGHTLY toasted or both toads will refuse to eat).   I then must say every 5 minutes "Eat your breakfast.  We have to leave."   Then they have about 15 mins. before I or carpool mom (who reads my blog - she is wonderful wonderful person!!) must leave. 

This morning Z-Toad decides to have a meltdown in the lego bin about not being able to bring toys to school.  Car pool mom is in the driveway waiting.... waiting..... waiting.   Z-Toad is still not getting out of the lego bin.   After a very calm discussion, Z-Toad gets out of the lego bin flinging lego's at me and across the room.   Yeah - not so good - that gets him a quick boof upside the head.  Z-Toad is just a touch melodramatic (from his father's side) and that starts the water works.  I take him out to carpool mom - he is not happy - I am not happy - carpool mom has "oh shit" look on face.   Although Z-Toad is able to stop crying long enough to show carpool mom (who is our dental hygenist) his missing tooth.

I phone car pool mom to check on him.   Car pool mom has already pumped the little one for all the info but he would not rat me out .  J-Toad was more than happy to volunteer info that Z-Toad was a brat and mom boofed him.   Car pool mom says that maybe he should be a good boy (cause carpool mom rocks and has my back).   Everyone is laughing when they are dropped off in the schoolyard at like 8:40.  The bell rings at 8:50.

My phone rings at 9:01 and I see the name of the school on my called ID.   OMG - I think did Z-Toad tell someone that mom boofed him upside the head and the school is calling????   Friggin' do-gooders.   Wait till I see him.  Crap.  I pick up the phone and it is the nurse.   She says Z-Toad got hurt from 2 kids chasing him but he should be fine to stay in school they will watch him for any sign of a concussion.  Um- yeah - no - I go to pick him up.

It looks pretty bad.  He says a couple of his brother's classmates were at fault.  Apparently there is a game called "roll you over" where kids with rollers on their backpacks try to roll them up and over another kid.  Doesn't that sound nice??   The principal takes Z-Toad to the classroom to find out who was at fault.   Once at the classroom the principal asks J-Toad who did this to his brother.  J-Toad actually RATS OUT his friends!!!!!  This is huge people as J-Toad usually considers Z-Toad to be a lower life form.   So I high-five him for doing the right thing (not in the classroom!).

Z-Toad -my mush monster - says to him "J-Toad you mean you really do love me?".   J-Toad is now exasperated and most probably rethinking his decision to rat out the friends.  He finally admits that he loves his brother.   Of course Z-Toad does not know when to stop and says "So you love me but do you like me, J-Toad?"   Now J-Toad is completely done "mom make him stop".

Z-Toad also informed me that what happened was payback cause I boofed him that morning.   That made me feel like shit and it took car pool mom's thoughts to see the situation correctly.   Hey Z-Toad you know how you said it was payback?   "Yes - cause you were mean to me this morning" he says all indignant.   "Do you think it was payback for you being fresh?  Cause buddy I am not the one that got trampled by a backpack and fell on my face.  

Oh.  I'm sorry he says.


October 18, 2010

I Just Don't Get It

I read/watch/listen to the news usually everyday (shocking, no?).   And sometimes there is a story that just makes you say WTF?  Even though it affects absolutely no aspect of my life whatsoever it just got under my skin. 

Gloria Allred is representing the family of Katharina Brow who are suing Hillary Swank for the making of her new movie Conviction.   Let me nutshell this......  Katharina Brow was murdered in 1980.   Kenneth Waters was WRONGLY convicted of her murder and was finally released when better DNA testing proved it was not him.  Katharina Bow's family does not dispute any of this - Kenneth Waters was wrongly convicted while the true killer walked free.

Gloria, I will do anything for a buck and to get in front of the camera, is suing Hillary Swank who directed and starred in the movie because "no proper respect or compassion has been shown by Ms. Swank for the murder victim and her family".   The family has stated they are hurt the movie didn't care about the victim.  They say this because they were not contacted during the making of the movie.

Let me state the obvious, it is absolutely tragic that this woman was murdered and the damage/hurt/pain done to her family irreparable .  No one would wish this kind of tragedy to befall anyone.  Katharina Brow is a victim as are her survivors.  We can all feel for them BUT the movie is NOT about her.   It is in fact about a second victim - the one who spent 20 years in jail wrongly convicted of the crime - Kenneth Waters.  They are both victims of a tragic event.  The movie is about the fight of the Water's family (specifically his sister whom Swank portrays) to clear his name.

The movie spends a fraction of time on the actual crime.  That is not the story they are telling.   The story is about a man losing 20 years of his life and the ordeals his sister went through to find the truth and free her brother.   I wonder if what is truly at the basis of the Brow's hurt is that the movie was not about their victim.  Hollywood loves a good story - and Kenneth Water's sisters story has it in spades.

As much as it hurts the Brow family, the murder itself is almost a footnote - the precipice of what changed this man's life forever.   The movie is not about Katharina.  I don't think Hillary Swank or anyone associated with the movie owes the Bow family anything.  Could they have included them in their research.  Yes, of course.  But is their lack of etiquette lawsuit worthy??   They did do their research with the Waters family who say that the story is an accurate portrayal of the events surrounding Kenneth.  

If anything Gloria might want to consider suing the police department for running such a shitty investigation.   Of course the camera's wouldn't be present for that lawsuit.  Nowadays it seems as though the lawyers are more obsessed with becoming celebrities than they are about handling legitimate cases.    The US is a ridiculously lawsuit happy country full of lawyers looking for their 5 minutes of fame.


October 14, 2010

When Is It Okay to Quit?

I am having a bit of a dilemna with - dun dun dun - my kids!  I know, shocking, right?

Both of the toads take Karate (don't ask me what genre - I don't know - except they say Ke-yah alot).

I totally love Karate.  I have met some other mom's that seem to have the same lack of mothering philosophy as me, some of the instructors are nice to look at (one of them looks like a 70s porn star - moustache and all - bowchickawowow, oops, hehe, that is another post entirely).

And most importantly the kids are being watched by someone else learning discipline and how to defend themselves.  The Karate studio itself is one of those that also has 300 other ways for you to spend your money.   Daycare, "Fun" Friday nights, Karate camps, etc....   They have a performing league that seems to border on a cult.  

Z-Toad loves it.  He always gives it 110% and is always telling me how he is going to get his black-belt.  He also tells me that he is going to be a cop and he and his wife will be living across the street with their four kids which I will be babysitting while they both work.  He is 7.

So the issue revolves around J-Toad.  He is 9 going on 40.   His maturity level sometimes surpasses Mr. Toad (does that surprise anyone?).  He also does well with Karate WHEN he puts in the effort.  Usually he stands out there and does everything half-assed.    If he catches the evil eye from me he will do better but he usually positions himself in a corner so that I can't easily see him.

It has been 8 months and he wants to quit.  I let the owners know and the woman actually let me out of my year contract and agreed to reduce my rate to just Z-Toad.   The male owner who I really like and I believe that he does have the kids best interest at heart sat down to chat with me.   In a nutshell, he pegged both my kids like he had been raising them himself.   They are completely different.

Z-Toad leads with his emotions.  All I need to do is tell him how happy he makes me or how proud I am of him and all is right in his little world.  J-Toad could care less what I or anyone else thinks.  He wants to do what he wants and that is that.   That sounds harsh.   He is basically a good kid but is in his own world where everything is how he wants it.   For example: He road his bike ONCE and hasn't been on  again because "I know how to do it.  Why do you want me to do it again?" Why does he have to constantly right stories in his journal at school - he knows all his letters.   And on and on it goes.

The Karate owner thinks J-Toad is manipulating me which I would hate to admit cause I am certainly smarter than a 9 year old but perhaps that is true.  J-Toad knows that I hate to waste money so by making half-hearted attempts at Karate he knows I will get frustrated and pull him out.  And thus we have a pattern.  I should also point out that J-Toad is the smallest one in his class.  He is on the 1% line for his height and weight.   He is ridiculously smart and sarcastic.   For pure survival he should stay in Karate.

On the other hand my cynical business side is wondering if the Karate owner is playing me - after all it is in his interest for me to keep both kids doing Karate.   And Karate isn't for everyone.  If your child was taking soccer and hated it would you put them back in it the following season?

What do you all think?


October 6, 2010

Brotherly Competition

J-Toad and Z-Toad are just 27 months apart.  They spend a majority - and by that I mean 99.8% - trying to out-do, out-compete, out-smart,  and out-love each other.  It is relentless and oh so tiring.  Well, um, at least it is exhausting for me, they seem to thrive on this crap.   Really when does it stop??

In all honesty, J-Toad is the oldest and because of such usually excels at things quicker than Z-Toad.  J-Toad is 9 going on his mid 40's.   He is ridiculously smart.   Scary smart.   He is very tiny -  not even on the 1% growth curve - tiny!  But his head size is over the 100% - we affectionately call him Jimmy Neutron :)  J-Toad excels in Karate - in Swimming - with the Computer - and at School.   And he likes to G L O A T.   Ugh.   Look I don't begrudge him his success but some humility with it would be nice.   You know the type of kid that when you tell them they did good they say "I know".   Nice, huh?   I SO don't like that and don't encourage it.

Z-Toad is younger and has a harder time at school.  When they go to swimming you can find Z-Toad cheering his brother on walking along the side of the pool.   When it is Z-'s Toad's turn you will find Jake sitting in the corner with his DS barely acknowledging Z-Toad's existence.

So this day they went Rock Climbing for the very first time.   And guess who went all the way up the wall TWICE???   Z-Toad.   I was so proud of him. J-Toad did NOT go up - barely made it a quarter of the way up.   In true J-Toad fashion he decided that he went just as high as Z-Toad cause his course up was that much harder.  UGH!  I told him no - he wasn't going to take this victory from Z-Toad.    His course was not harder - Z-Toad simply did better than him.   Not an easy lesson for him and definitely not easy as a parent.   Later that day Z-Toad went up for a second time - this time on the course that J-Toad didn't finish.  If that was J-Toad he would have been gloating from the rooftops.   Z-Toad told J-Toad to try again - it wasn't that hard - he would go up next to him.

Basically if the two of them were in a bad situation I have no doubt that Z-Toad would try to help his older brother but I am not so sure it would work the other way.    It seems just ingrained in Z-Toad.  How do I  ingraine it into the older one??


September 29, 2010

Blech. Blech. Blech

Sooooooooo I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow - ladies you know the one (sigh).   It is with a new doctor who a couple of friends have recommended and insisted I go as I have not been in (blah blah) number of years.  I haven't canceled at this point so my guess is I will actually put on big girl panties and keep the appointment.
Blech. Blech. Blech.  Oh So So So Very........ Blech.

I had a lovely OB/GYN doctor - her name was [say with your best french accent] Marie Lemmonier.  I LOVED her.  I chose her because she was next door to where I lived - le convenient.  Dr. Marie was right from France and, bless her heart, I could not understand a damn thing she said.   She was always so happy.  We had a blissful relationship.  It was so beautiful. She would talk all le frenchy french pretty words and I would nod and smile.   She never looked worried or concerned.  I loved her even when after 26 hours of labor she told she was going to eat dinner and I had been sucking on ice chips for the better part of a day.   I still loved her even when she came back from her lovely french dinner and I ended up with a c-section. I kept loving her when I shivered from head to toe for hours after the delivery.  She did excellent work - love in every stitch - nurses, doctors, interns, the janitors all came in to admire her work.  People gushed I was such a lucky lucky girl to have her!!  J-Toad was born at 10PM and I was up and about at 7AM with not so much as a tylenol.  
I Heart Her Still.

Then hubby and I moved while I was pregnant with Z-Toad.  Not technically that far but still more than 2 hours.   Everyone said I needed a local doctor.  I was aghast and did not want to change from my french filly midstream.  But somewhere in between working, taking care of J-Toad, and trying to get to the appointments without stopping to pee,  I caved and decided to find a local doctor.

I took advice from my friends - whom I have since divored - and booked an appt. with Dr. Tom Selleck.   Okay - no not really but if you cloned Tom and gave him a medical degree - viola, meet my new doctor.    On a appointment to see the baby via ultrasound I took my mom and frankly I don't think she ever looked at the monitor - she melted herself into a puddle when he walked in.   Well Dr. Selleck also KNEW he was hotstuff.  The nurses at the hospital would ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh at his very presence and Selleckness.    I cursed my friends,  Dr. Psycho Selleck was not nice unless he had an audience.   I had to fight with him to schedule a c-section cause HE decided I should try and go normal (it is the patients decision in MA if the first one was a c-section).   Then another fight as to the date to schedule the C.   He wanted to deliver on my FIL's birthday and there was NO friggin way that was gonna happen if I had to crazy glue my legs shut.   Then I told him I wanted to be stitched closed not stapled.  To which Dr. Selleck Douche Bag asked "Why - Are you gonna tell me you wear a bikini"?   HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.   Really?  You met me at 7.5 months pregnant?!?!?  
What. an. ass.    THE mother of the mother of all asses.

By the time I was ready to deliver Z-Toad I was completely done with this man. During Z-Toad's delivery he LOST something (a sponge I think) and they had to reopen part of me and dig around to find it.  It was the nurse who insisted they look.  Dr. Douchebag said they must have had the wrong count to begin with. He did a horrible job.   When the nurses would come in there were remarks.  "Yeah he is good looking but he wouldn't deliver anything of mine."   "He is hot but I wouldn't let him deliver puppies." Oh fucking wonderful.  The recovery was long and painful.   I HATED him.   I wanted a voodoo doll of him so I could shove a Ken barbie up his arrogant ass.  Horizontal.  With the arms stretched over his head.

Oh. My French Doctor of All That Is Good (and french) How. I. Missed. Thee.

So tomorrow I go to a new doctor.  I am assured he is the opposite of Dr. Douche.   Although he is in Dr. Douche's building - on the same floor.  Do you think that is a bad sign?   He is on the opposite side of the elevators.   I am going to bring my I-Pod, listen to Les Miserables and pretend that my new little jewish doctor is my pretty French Dr. Marie.


September 27, 2010

Religion and Profit

I happened into a conversation with the principal of my children's school.   They attend a private catholic school in I guess what you would call a smaller inner city.   There are only about 400 -450 students which makes for about 200-225 families-ish.

The school is not overly expensive - we pay under $800 per month for both of them to attend.  For the most part I love the school.   We did not choose it for the religious aspects as we as a family rarely (okay never) go to any organized church.   It is more because the faculty really seem to care about the students and I liked their approach to teaching/reading.  Also very small class sizes.  I do think it is important that the kids have a religious background.  I as a child went to CCD but my parents never went to church so neither did us kids.  My hubby's family was a "church" family but 1) He got kicked out because he baked pot into some brownies for a fund raising event and 2) Hubby's dad was cheating on the mom with a member of the church choir.  Okay - so much for being all pious.

I was at the school this summer with Z-Toad who I felt would benefit from having some extra reading / grammar /phonics over the summer.   During some of these visits the principal would come sit with me to chat while I waited for him.   Up until that point I was quit sure she had no use for me.   You know the type of person that one day says "Hi" to you but the next time you see them you could be buck naked covered in honey and they would walk past with not so much as a nod?   That is her.   I like her - she is everything a principal should be - and when I am around her I feel like I am back in school again myself.   Smile and nod is my motto.  Sometimes my mouth totally ignores my brain yelling at it to stop.  Safer to just smile.

During one particular conversation we were talking about the economy.  She said that the school was actually not full for the coming year and they were still "woo'ing" outside students.  That conversation turned to the tuition, how it was pretty reasonable, and that over 50% of the students get some sort of financial aid.   Hmph - really?   The financial aid form is riddled with "place of worship" questions so I am guessing money would not be tossed in our direction.

THEN she says how last year there were at least 40 - FORTY!! - families that came to her and couldn't pay their tuition cause of lost jobs/income.   Now I thought - god, that is awful - I would hate to be in that position.  So I make what I thought was a safe comment, "That would be terrible to have to pull your kids out of their school."

She says "Oh, I don't tell them to leave."   I really really really had to bite my lips, tongue, AND cheeks to keep from saying..... "SAY WHAT???"      I know it is sad - really, really, REALLY I do get it.   So after some awkward silence she says "When I get to those pearly gates, I am not going to have to answer for kicking kids out."  Honestly  I said nothing - every business/entrepreneurial/conservative bone in my body was slowly shattering.  

First - Is that the WORSE thing she has to explain for when she dies?   Dear God - I am So. Very. Screwed.
Secondly - The school is still a business, right? There are costs involved.   Forty families I would think make up at least 20% of the school.  Yikes!!!  What number family is the tipping point?  I bet the teachers wouldn't stay if they didn't get a paycheck.     

Isn't it possible that god also understands a profit margin??


September 23, 2010

Don't Make Me Go All Mac-n-Cheese On You!

A few months ago Mr. Toad was making mac-n-cheese for dinner.  In this toadstool we take it up a notch and add hotdogs cut-up into it (god, it just makes me wanna barf just typing that).  We spare no expense in this house.  Hmmmm - ya think Mrs. Obama would be pleased with our food choices?   Yeah, the hell with her.  

Actually it was one of those nights in which there is a little bit of everything left over so everyone kind of does their own thing.   Z-Toad and I were actually finished eating.   Mr. Toad was making the m-n-c for himself and J-Toad.   Z-Toad was on the kitchen floor with some friggin truck or whatever.  Z-Toad has been told 1,353,204 times to NOT play in the kitchen.

Mr. Toad took the pot off the stove to drain it and because we have such a HUGE Martha Stewart type kitchen - on the long walk between the stove and the sink (um I think 2') - he and Zach bumped into each other. The water did some sloshing around came up out the pot and landed on Z-Toad.   He was actually very lucky that Mr. Toad managed to keep the whole pot from not falling on him!   It was pretty serious.  

Worth Noting: In the following days, the MIL's first question was "Why were you making dinner, honey?   Didn't you just get home from work?"  Hmph.   I was tempted to say "Before I chain Mr. Toad up for the night he has to make dinner for everyone!  You don't expect me to get up off the couch and put my bon-bon's down, do you?".    Oh dear readers she is SO her own post(s)! 

Z-toad screamed so loud and was writhing on the floor "Get it off!  Get it off".  I grabbed him - got him into the bathroom and stripped his clothes off.   Not pretty - his skin on his lower back had literally melted away - blood - everywhere.  I am the calm one in a crisis.  You want me around when something happens.  Mr. Toad - not so much - he wanted to bring in a helicopter and have him airlifted to the hospital.

Mr. Toad sent J-Toad into the bathroom with ice.    By now Z-Toad has stopped crying.  There was a momentary "discussion" about the ice as I did not think it should go on a burn.  The ice ended up all over the room in the heat (no pun intended) of the moment.  Ended up getting towels - soaking them with water and putting them on his body.   Called the doctor.  Called mom to tell her to expect J-toad.

Now Mr. Toad is apologizing over and over and over and over again.  Z-Toad is actually calm.  He asked "Am I gonna die?" "Can you see my bones?"  Mr. Toad is still apologizing over and over and over and OVAH!   Z-Toad is getting all frustrated and says "Dad, enough, it was an accident, just let it go."   Meanwhile J-Toad just keeps pointing out that he had absolutely nothing to do with what happened.  Assured him that he was not in any trouble.  J-Toad had to leave the room - he does not do blood.   And we are off to the ER.

Do you know that a child with a burn gets you IMMEDIATELY into the ER?   The nurse could barely look at me to check us in.   Z-toad was really really calm so she thought "great here we go - what does he have a tummy ache?".   I whip up the back of his shirt - here look at this ms. bitchy -  hmph - holy hell that got her to jump out of her chair.  OH MY - Nurse, Nurse!   Poor Z-toad is like "what - what?"  A burn also gets you a ton of questions from the nurses/doctors!  Go figure.    Z-Toad ended up with 3rd degree burns on 8% of his body.  No plastic surgery needed (although that may change cause a little section did not heal entirely).

Z-Toad was AWESOME during this whole thing.  Not one tear.   They had him lying on a stretcher on his belly and the nurse came by with some drugs.  Z-Toad put his hand up and said "No thank you the pain isn't that bad."  LOL    But it looked horrid.    They loved him.   Goddess here was taking pics cause of the whole scrapbooking thing (Scrapbooking 101: Never let an event/crisis go to waste.  Exceptions: Death or what looks like it may result in death:  meaning subject is turning blue, foaming at the mouth, or if a limb is hanging on by a thread).   And you know what - taking pics of your child's injury gets you questioned even more!!!  Z-Toad just looked at them and said "She scrapbooks, duh!!!".  Very funny.  

Scrapbooking also allows you to record events in young tadpoles lives as you see them *wink wink*.  So when it does come time for therapy they will know which parent to blame.

All in I think we were there about 6 hours.  We waited in the little waiting area for Mr. Toad to bring the car around front to go home.  Z-toad was leafing through a magazine when he saw a m-n-c ad.  He shows me the page and starts cracking up.   He is an awesome little guy!

So now in our house - when one of the toads acts up I say
"Do you want me to have Daddy make mac-n-cheese"?

And just cause VK suggested I have pics with my posts:

Notice the hair - that is from me - thick, curly, looking like a bush.
Oh, and that is EXACTLY what my ass looks like (refer to previous post).   Except smaller.


September 19, 2010

Holy Scrap Shit!

It was suppose to be a stay at home day.  Quickie shower in the morning. Just me, the toads, and a bottle of Chlorox.   A fun-filled day for the goddess of cleaning bathrooms.
Until a customer called with a emergency request.  A scrapbooking emergency.  Oh Please.  So I promise her it will go out that day.   Now it is 3:45 and I have to get to the Post Office STAT.  Quick mental checklist.
Sweats.  {check}
T-Shirt - Achmed the Dead Terrorist "Silence I Keel You".{check}
Perfume - Ode du Chlorox {check}
Makeup - Nope.  {check}
Bra - Yes (thank god).  {check}
Hair - Well um, yes, hair but it is unruly bedhead and i have LOTS of thick curly hair.  Not your beautiful "cause I'm worth it" curly tresses kind of hair.  Curly - matted -OMG - "you know dreadlocks don't work on white girl" kind of hair. {check}
Toads - Argh!  Holy hell what is stuck on their faces?? {check and check}

We jump into the goddess minivan and are off to the Post Office with the emergency package.

I walk in and notice there is a line (shit, shit, shit).  Oh look, isn't that nice, someone is holding the door open for us.
"Hi Tracie"...... Oh. Dear. God.  Really?  Now?

Some pertinent background info:
Girl dates boy (let's call him Mr.Shithead - Mr. S) a long long long time ago.
Mr. S does not tell girl he is married right up front.  Bad, Bad Boy.
Girl thinks Mr.S is hot (if you like bald, cops, and motorcycles - um, yes, please).
Mr. S says he is getting divorce - still wants to date.
Keep your panties on!   I did. 
And SURPRISE Mr. S doesn't want to "date" anymore.
10 Months Later Mr. S is seeking the goddess again - divorce papers in hand.
Huh - Why not? girl thinks.
Dinner is um, cheap.  Girl is SO not impressed.
Mr. Now Divorced Shithead takes girl back to his place.
Yeah - girl is not feeling it anymore.  Mr. NDS - Surpise! - is clueless.
Mr. NDS is getting his grove on (not kidding - music - mood lighting (I think he dimmed the lights or maybe flicked his bic a few times)).
Mr. NDS is gettin' busy.   All impressed with his bad self.   Girl not so much.
Girl starts laughing.  Full-out laughter.   Tears streaming down face laughter.
Mr. NDS is amused........ at first.
Girl can't stop laughing.   Ladies, did you know that ruins the mood?? 
Girl goes home.
Hmph - He never called for a second date!  Pssssssshay!

Fast forward to today.  Mr. NDS is 15 years older and is now Mr. Married Yet Again (Mr. MYA). 
The goddess is still hot of course (EXCEPT for this ONE day at the Post Office) with the 2 toads.  He is on wife number 13 or so.  Big flippin' surprise, huh?   Now I realize I need to walk past him to get to my counter.  It is then that my brain starts laughing at me. Full-out snort my drink out my nose mind laughter.

My sweats say "Holy Scrap" on the ass.   And NOT in little letters all cute in cursive writing right under your right butt cheek.   Nope - this is kick ass thick block letters across my booty - flippin' NEON WHITE letters (so in case of a black out I can lead the way - just follow my ass) on black yoga pants.   "HOLY" on my left butt and "SCRAP" on my right.   Just awesome.  I am the epitome of chic.  Yes.  Yes I am.

He may have the last laugh but I bet his little weinie forever remembers me laughing at  it him.


-ps- As an FYI: "Holy Scrap" pants are also not appreciated at a catholic elementary school.

September 15, 2010

The Road from Sane Casual Stalker to Batshit Crazy

Everyone has a bit of stalker in them.   You meet someone - get curious about what they do when you are not around - or what the hell they are doing instead of calling you - cause it has been like 2 whole days since your last date. 
You drive by their work - house - school.  A couple of times - 10 times maximum - in an hour.
In a borrowed car with a hat, wig, and sunglasses.
You  Park.  You Wait.   You Watch.  You have Binoculars.   Ahem. 
Well at least that is how I think a stalker would behave.  Of course, having only been the stalkee I am merely hypothesizing.

So how do you know when you have crossed that line?  You know the one that takes you into batshit crazy - white coats - police & handcuffs territory?   A recent news story tickled me.

A woman died (yes it is tragic - no peeps I am not making fun - just using this as a valuable lesson) cause she got stuck in the chimney of the man she was stalking in love with.   She was some sort of heart doctor.  A DOCTOR people!!!!   Way to go for the feminist movement.   Imagine the parents proudly bragging to their friends "my daughter is a doctor" only to have to eulogize her because she got her ass STUCK in a chimney for some prick.  Holy hell.  One step forward - ten steps back.  She couldn't just buy a friggin' pint of Ben & Jerry's like any other female, key his car, or casually inform new girlfriends that the itch will eventually go away?  

Her body was found in the chimney 2 days after she went missing.   The babysitter noticed a strange liquid dripping and a foul smell coming from the chimney. How many of you would have checked that shit out?    I can tell you that I am a HUGE ASS chicken shit.  I would have called 911, the fire department, my mommy, and got the hell OUT!  I still look under my bed at night before I get in it - no way this chick would have been anywhere near a leaky foul smelling chimney.

The male newscaster pointed out she was crazy - ya think Einstein?  But I think he missed the point.  He chuckle-chuckle-snorted through the story - just another crazy woman after her man.  But, dear readers, that is NOT why Dr. Heart Chickadee was batshit crazy.   Perhaps, a tad over-persistent.  Of course we do not know what the prick boyfriend did to drive her nuts.  We should not judge.

How do I know she was crazy?   What women on this planet - I don't care what size her clothes - thinks she is small enough to fit down a friggin' chimney flu??  Once you climbed up onto the roof and looked down the narrow dark insect filled hole would reality not bitch-slap you?  Or would you look down and think should I go head or feet first?

BTW - she went down feet first.  

What is the craziest thing you have done??


September 12, 2010

Who Got the Life Lesson?

You've all seen the movie Shallow Hal, right?   Jack Black (who I adore) gets brainwashed by Tony Robbins (freakishly tall with equally large hands.... I wonder if that old saying is true..... Big hands......... Big shoes, right ;)~

So Robbins makes Jack Black see a woman based on her inner beauty.   He falls for Gweneth Paltrow's character.  Black sees Paltrow - the rest of the world sees the chunky chub express (Paltrow in a fat suit).  Black's best friend reverses the spell so he can see the ALL of her.  Black realizes he was happy even with {{GASP}} the fat girl and wins her back.   Everyone's happy.  

Z-Toad (6 years old) was watching the movie and wanted it explained.  I thought this would be a great lesson for him.  Don't judge a book by its cover.  Just because a girl is pretty doesn't mean she is nice (actually she is probably a bitch).   You should look to see what is inside a person - inner beauty - blah blah blah.   I thought I did a pretty good job of it.  And that is where I should have stopped.   But did I?   Of course I didn't I am female so we can NOT let it go.   So what was his life lesson became mine.

Me: "So Z-Toad do you understand".  

Queue thoughtful moment on his adorable face (my kids totally rock the cuteness factor)........

Z-Toad:  "So Daddy married you because you have a big heart and you are nice."   I believe if this had been uttered by my husband it would have been grounds for divorce and I may have allowed him to still breathe....... with a ventilator...... with the plug just outta reach......crawl for it babe!      

Me: "So .... {child who never wishes to receive another present }...... what does that mean?"   I say while trying not to let the little self-esteem I have left shrink like a penis exposed to frigid waters.

Z-Toad: "Mom you are gorgeous." 

Quick Recovery!   Way to Rebound!   Santa's elves get ready to dump a truckload here!
I am ready to high-five my little shit precious child.

And then in true 6 year old fashion (or is it because he is male?)..... he feels the need to repeat his comment but now with a disclaimer.

Z-Toad: "Mom your face is gorgeous."

Elves - you've officially been laid off for Christmas 2010.