September 25, 2012

Weight Loss: Tips, Tricks, & Truths

I started my diet/exercise routine in September of 2011.   To date I have lost 82lbs.   I have gone from a size 22/24 jean to a size 12.    I thought it might be amusing to share some things I have learned along the way:

  • Dieting sucks.  Period.   It really truly does.  No one should sugar coat it (haha - get it?) for you.   Oh my god I would love to wake up every morning to chocolate.  Chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.   Hmmmmm - a c t u a l l y,  I would like to wake up every morning to Joe Manganiello bringing me breakfast in bed (a hot fudge sundae hold the ice cream please) telling me how incredibly hot I looked.   Sigh.   Sadly, that is probably not going to happen.  What is even worse?  I would probably eat the sundae first ;)
  • And this is Joe.  I just wanted to share in case any of you didn't know to whom I was referring.   But I have already called dibs. Hands off!!!  I have deluded myself into believing that he is my reward at the end of my journey.  Do not burst my bubble.
  • You can say you want to lose weight for the health benefits. blah. blah. blah.  We all know it is to get into the skinny jeans!!!
  • There is no such thing as "filler" foods when you are craving something.   And what ever dipshit told you to drink water to help give you that full feeling was full of shit.   If you are craving something HAVE IT.    However do one of the following:  1) Limit yourself to how much (I have literally just taken a bite of something),  2) Count ALL those calories into your day and suck it up buttercup if that means celery for the rest of the day (obviously this is not a healthy option so don't do it often), or 3) Ramp up the exercise routine big time that day.       Above all put what you did BEHIND you and move on.  It is a new day - a new hour - a new minute.   If you need to start over 15 times in one day then do it.   It gets easier everyday.
  • My skinny size 0 sister has suggested brushing your teeth when you are hungry so that you don't want to eat.  It doesn't work.   I do however have the cleanest teeth in the state.  
  • Exercise! Exercise! Exercise!   I truly think this is what did it for me.   It turns out that I LOVE to exercise (most of the time.....).    And when I say exercise...... Honey you need to work up a huge ass S W E A T.  A disgustingly dripping drenching everywhere type sweat.  You need to peel your clothes off when you are done.   You need to smell like a man!!!  Okay maybe that is taking it too far.   I spent years in the past doing hours and hours and hours on an elliptical.  It did nothing.    When I started last year we already had a treadmill (the hubby bought it for himself years before and it had been used maybe 5 times but it made a fantastic drying rack).   Just do it!   No I am not endorsing Nike.   Everybody has to start somewhere.  If you walk 1 mile and it takes you 30 minutes - that is fantastic - cause ya didn't do it yesterday, right?   The only one you need to compete against is YOURSELF.    When I started it took me 70-75 minutes to do 3 miles.   I can now do those same 3 miles in about 42 minutes. 
  • And here is a depressing little newsflash:  Those machines we all use to burn calories??  The calorie counts on them?  Rubbish.  A complete flat out lie.  Pisses ya off right?   You get done and think you have burned like 700 calories.  Not even close.  Try like 30-35% of that number.   Sucks - someone should kick their asses for blatantly lying.
  • Little things count!!!   Park farther away from stores or wear ankle weights around the house (especially when you do housework).   It will all add up and you will get stronger.  Do NOT wear these when going out to get the mail and you have an ass for a neighbor unless you want to listen to his bullshit.  
  • Did you know that your calves can actually touch when you walk????  No really!!!  Recently I was walking around here at home doing stuff and I kept feeling like there was something on my calf - like a little bug (and most of ya know how I feel about bugs!!!)- so I kept stopping and brushing my legs.   You know what it was?  My thighs have actually gotten small enough that my calves swish by each other when I walk.   I know - who knew that was possible??  LOL.
  • Your weight loss will be all from your boobs.   Really.  Further proof that god is definitely a man.  :(    If you are smaller now well you will get even smaller.   Z-Toad (my 9 year old boob guy) has expressed his dissatisfaction with the lack of pillowing when he wants to cuddle.    So get ready to pony up some serious $$$ as you go down in bra sizes!!   I was a 44DDD and am now a 38DD.   So far Victoria Secret (which I can finally fit into!) gets my vote for best bras.   Side note:  I have always always always worn a bra to bed.  I know you are cringing (eek! a bra to bed)  BUT I swear that is why my boobs are where they are and not trying to kiss my knees!   You may be 20 now and they are attached to your chin but 20 years from now you will remember this posts when they look like stretched out pendulums! 
  • Stretch marks.   Ugh.   Okay well stretch marks when they are S T R E T C H E D out are really not so bad.  I know you think they are hideous now but trust me!   You hate the little buggers across your tummy right? And maybe your tummy has the makings of a map of a city.   Once you start shrinking - the city starts getting smaller and your roads start to pucker and warp.  Honey the city is going to need to be resurfaced.  Stat!   Do you know that gastric bypass folks GET a tummy tuck as part of their procedure????   I am not begrudging anyone anything but damn I think if you do it the old fashioned way that should also be the case!   Am I right girls???
  • Lastly - surround yourself with a FANTASTIC group of women!!  You will find your inspiration and provide inspiration for someone else.
  • Okay - this is really last.   Even when you totally blow the day you have to realize it is JUST that day and it does not define your journey.  

This is the picture on my fridge (on the left) and me now:


June 6, 2012

Helicopter Parents Suck!

The school year is almost at an end.   YEAH - for not have to deal with homework, getting up early, and the last of certain teachers!  BOO - for having to deal with boredom and arguing!   I give it 3 weeks and I will be begging to get up early and for school to start.

This was the boys first year at a public school.   I have to say that it was probably the best decision we have made in awhile (unless of course you count the monumental decision to buy facebook stock).  

As you 5 regular readers know I abhorred the drive to get them to and from the private school.  The actual drive itself wasn't so bad - it was the playing well with others in the parking lot. 

By comparison this year has been so much better.   The boys are the first ones on the bus which arrives almost always at 7:33.    The boys leave the house at 7:31, walk past 2 houses to the bus stop, wait approximately 90 seconds, and then whoosh they are spirited away my big yellow taxi of sunshine.  I loves me the bus!!   I watch this all from my front door.  It is friggin' fantastic.  Except when it rains and I have to actually leave the house to park at the top of the street so they don't drown (it must be raining hard enough to cause a visible splash in puddles for a car trip to be sanctioned).   I decided to pick the boys up after school because they are the last ones off the bus which would mean almost a 50 minute bus ride home (and with after school activities and homework that doesn't work well).

Z-Toad's (2nd grade) school at first glance seemed to have the most well run pickup.   Parents are suppose to drive up the side of the school and wait in line around a circle at the top.   When you come around the circle one of the teachers looks at you and calls your child to one of three cones.  So in theory 3 cars pull up to cones 1, 2, and 3 where you child is waiting.   They get in their respective cars, drive away, and then the next 3 cars pull up to the cones, etc.....   Doesn't it sound like bliss?  Yeah well leave it to a bunch of helicopter parents to ruin it.

School gets out at 2:45.  At first I was making every effort to get their early and be the first one because I still had to get to the other school to pick up J-Toad.    I tried 2:30 and was horrified to discover that I was like the 20th car in line!!!   What the hell?   So I kept arriving earlier.   TWO pm  these nuts people start to line up!!   And this certain black pickup truck was always first.   So I got their 5 minutes earlier and now I was first!  Ha!   The next day - same time - and the black pickup truck was already there.  Her and I did this dance for a few days each of us arriving 5 minutes earlier than the day before until the arrival time was approaching 1:30.   I'm just slightly competitive but this was even too much for me so I stopped going early.   I figure she showed up that early for at least a couple of more days which means I WON!!!   Plus every now and then I show up that early and take the first spot just throw her off her game and make her come super early for days on end.  LOL  For the past 4 months or so,  I have it timed pretty well to show up last and then I have no wait time and the public remains safe.

The road along the side of the school is narrow - 2 way traffic only.   And the line to pick up backs up all the way around the circle and down the road.   Yet EVERY BLESSED DAY their is a school pickup truck that parks on the road right after cone 1.   So if the people coming in are not YET bright enough (and really it has only been since September ) to leave enough room for exiting traffic then there is a little stand still while all the incoming cars shuffle forward.  Call me silly but why can't the truck be moved just during parent pick up?

The teacher who stands by the cars to call your child to a cone STILL acts like she doesn't remember whose kid is mine.   Keep in mind I am almost always last so there is like - um - ONE child left to be picked up!!!!   Z-Toad has curly hair and I have curly hair!!!   Not to mention he is waving at me and jumping out of his skin to be called.   But everyday she looks at me and says "Z-Toad (well she actually says his name) right?".    I am going to break down in hysterics one day and start sobbing "Where is my kid???  Who did you give her too?"  

Then there are the other parents picking up.  Oy! Oy! Oy!   In theory parent pickup should work like this: Parent pulls up to the cone where child is waiting - child opens door - child gets in vehicle - child shuts door - parent leaves.   You know so the rest of the line could move forward and pick up their child.     There is not one but SEVERAL parents who get out of their vehicle, walk over to their child greeting them with a big display of hugs and kisses cause it has been a whole SIX  friggin hours since they last saw each other and OMG how they have missed their little darlings!  I bet these moms have a flask in their coach bags.  Parent then takes their child's backpack (cause oh it must be so heavy and why expect them to carry their own stuff?) , and LEISURELY get their child into their car.   They secure the seat belts by pulling on them (they worked this morning but perhaps a mouse gnawed thru the belt in the last 6 hours and we wouldn't want Little Savannah to take a face plant into the back of mom's seat).  The whole time uberparent is talking away so animated that small planes could mistake it for landing instructions.  Then they duck their heads back into the car for one more friggin' kiss cause after all they are going to have to shut the door - get into the front seat - and drive that whole way home with no physical contact!!!!  Why did they even have the doctor cut the umbilical cord?  Sometimes ubermoms have OPENED the backpacks to look for something cause their little darling is just SO excited about their latest Picasso like drawing.  

Then there is me.   I pull up.  I get out of the car to open the slider (the one on the passenger side no longer works).  Zachary walks around to the door all on his own and if he is not moving fast enough I bodily pick him up and throw him in (like a bundled carpet) - tell him to buckle up - shut the sliding door - get into my seat - and pull away all while he is still getting in his seat and has not yet got the buckle in place.  At this point I usually need to go around the uberparent in front of me who is still landing small planes while kissing their brat and fawning all over their piece de resistance of the day.

This morning was the first time I had to drop off Z-Toad.   Same concept except no cones so parents pretty much just drop off once they get around the loop.   I have an uberparent in front of me.  UGH!
I am the last car in line.   Everyone is gone now except me and her.   Z-Toad is out - kissed (at home) - and in the recess yard.   Uberparent's uberchild has not even OPENED the damn door to get out of the car.  I still need to get J-Toad to school and make an appointment.   I pull out around uberparent's vehicle to leave and this teacher starts screaming "STAY IN LINE"  "GET BACK IN LINE" and pointing at me.   Is she fucking serious??   I am already 2 car lengths beyond uberparent.  Our eyes meet - my eyebrow arches up making my WTF face (my fingers twitching on the steering wheel) and I go.  What the hell is she gonna do?    Maybe ubermom behind me will don her cape (surely it will have a drawing her child did plastered on the back) perform a citizens arrest all while kissing her child and whispering words of positive reinforcement. 

Laters All~

January 10, 2012

Weight Loss, You, and Me

It is a new year folks and how do I know?   The 24/7 onslaught of weight loss commercials.   Yippee!!!   Celebrities in which my life and theirs have 100%? ,     um 70%?,    wait 50%?,  no no that is not it.......  20%? in common.   Or maybe exactly NOTHING in common?  

Current Diet Commercials:

Jennifer Hudson:  "Yes You Can" and "I am you. You are me." campaigns.   Yes, Miss Hudson I can.  But NO I am not you.   And you are me?  Do you have a house to clean, grocery shopping, a "real" job, kids whining at you, a husband whining at you, anything at all to fucking worry about??  And I seem to have misplaced my stylist, life coach, manager, assistant, babysitter, chef, and personal trainer.   Could you be a doll and send them back to me?  Thanks xoxo.....  Oh, and just one more thing......  Could you stop singing every flippin' line in your commercials?   I keep thinking there is a cat stuck in our chimney. 

Mariah Carey:  Seriously??  I really want to like her.  I do.  But - ugh - can she do anything without posing?  She doesn't speak on the commercial - just quick flashes of her in some skanky two piece outfit.  Oh - and a wind machine to billow her hair all over.  Yeah - that just screams weight loss program to me.  Do I just need to carry a fan in front of me??    What it does scream is that she needs a new stylist, life coach, manager, etc....

Janet Jackson is now touting Nutrisystem.   I like Miss Janet.  Her commercial is the only one that doesn't get on my nerves.   But seriously can you really picture her going into her food vault and rifling thru her nutrisystem meals.  Popping it in the microwave and chowing down on the cardboard food satisfied?   Or can you picture her picking up the phone in her limo and calling ahead to her chef to have something waiting for her that is under 400 calories?   Yeah, me too. 

My Weight Loss Plan/Goal:
  • To be a single digit size (um without physically taking a marker and obscuring the first number on the tag).   You know those long stickers that come on your pants that tell the size about 12 times so you can see it across a parking lot?   I want to lose enough so that I keep that fucking sticker on my pants.   Hell I am going to make a bodysuit of JUST those stickers.    

The How:
Realism/Dieting:  I am a bad dieter.   Mainly because I hate almost anything that is good for me.  Unless........ Has chocolate broccoli been developed yet?   So I have chosen to not consciously diet.  I am not counting a damn point nor am I paying to have cardboard food delivered to me while still having a house full of food for all my toads.   I have chosen to try and make better eating decisions every day.   Does that mean I have a brownie sometimes?  Your damn skippy it does.
Exercise:  That is my strength.  I LOVE to exercise.  I wish I had more time to exercise.   And I have refused (some days are tougher than others) to feel guilty about taking the time for me.  I walk on the treadmill for at least 60 minutes a day (I do anywhere from 3-4 miles). That is doing the trick.   If I had the brownie maybe I will do an extra 15 minutes - maybe not.  

Since August I have lost 32 lbs.  The point is do what works for you.  You don't need to count points or buy someone's prepackaged food to know that eating a donut is worse than having a bowl of oatmeal.   You know that walking to the mailbox is better for you than driving your car to it.  Don't pay someone for common sense. 

Advice for Non-Fatties Talking To Fatties:
  • If you have never been in a double digit size -just shut the fuck up.  Period.  No one cares that you were a size 4 and then - gasp - gained 10 lbs. and had to buy a six.   Talk to me when you add a "teen" to end of that. 
  • If you went up 10-20 lbs and lost it to get back to your size 4.   Well fucking hoorah for you.  Shut up.   I don't care. 
  • If you remember being a single digit size.  Good for you.   Don't share.
  • If you have trouble gaining or maintaining weight.  LOL.  Really?  Just go to the zoo and jump into the lions den.   You have a better chance of survival.
  • If you think "The Avenue" is a dance club we cannot be friends.
  • "You are beautiful" is a compliment.   "You have a beautiful face." is NOT a compliment.   Everyone fat person on the planet knows the rest of that statement is "gee, it is too bad about the rest of you."    The next time I see someone with a smokin' body I am going to say "Wow, you have a great body.......... Say, have you thought about meeting with a plastic surgeon about your face?"
 The most ridiculous thing I was ever told:

J-Toad (my 10 year old) is not growing according to the doctors charts.   In a nutshell he is not even on the growth chart.   So we met with an endocrinologists.   She is concerned because he is so thin (54 lbs.).   How is this for irony?   I have a child that I have been told needs to GAIN weight.  Yeah -  I have no clue.    Anyway she says (really I swear):  "Weight and height work hand and hand.  If you can get him to eat more calories it will help to stimulate his growth."    I looked at her and said "Really?   If that were the case I should be 7 feet tall."   She had no comment.