Weight Loss, You, and Me

It is a new year folks and how do I know?   The 24/7 onslaught of weight loss commercials.   Yippee!!!   Celebrities in which my life and theirs have 100%? ,     um 70%?,    wait 50%?,  no no that is not it.......  20%? in common.   Or maybe exactly NOTHING in common?  


Current Diet Commercials:

Jennifer Hudson:  "Yes You Can" and "I am you. You are me." campaigns.   Yes, Miss Hudson I can.  But NO I am not you.   And you are me?  Do you have a house to clean, grocery shopping, a "real" job, kids whining at you, a husband whining at you, anything at all to fucking worry about??  And I seem to have misplaced my stylist, life coach, manager, assistant, babysitter, chef, and personal trainer.   Could you be a doll and send them back to me?  Thanks xoxo.....  Oh, and just one more thing......  Could you stop singing every flippin' line in your commercials?   I keep thinking there is a cat stuck in our chimney. 

Mariah Carey:  Seriously??  I really want to like her.  I do.  But - ugh - can she do anything without posing?  She doesn't speak on the commercial - just quick flashes of her in some skanky two piece outfit.  Oh - and a wind machine to billow her hair all over.  Yeah - that just screams weight loss program to me.  Do I just need to carry a fan in front of me??    What it does scream is that she needs a new stylist, life coach, manager, etc....

Janet Jackson is now touting Nutrisystem.   I like Miss Janet.  Her commercial is the only one that doesn't get on my nerves.   But seriously can you really picture her going into her food vault and rifling thru her nutrisystem meals.  Popping it in the microwave and chowing down on the cardboard food satisfied?   Or can you picture her picking up the phone in her limo and calling ahead to her chef to have something waiting for her that is under 400 calories?   Yeah, me too. 

My Weight Loss Plan/Goal:

• To be a single digit size (um without physically taking a marker and obscuring the first number on the tag).   You know those long stickers that come on your pants that tell the size about 12 times so you can see it across a parking lot?   I want to lose enough so that I keep that fucking sticker on my pants.   Hell I am going to make a bodysuit of JUST those stickers.    

The How:
Realism/Dieting:  I am a bad dieter.   Mainly because I hate almost anything that is good for me.  Unless........ Has chocolate broccoli been developed yet?   So I have chosen to not consciously diet.  I am not counting a damn point nor am I paying to have cardboard food delivered to me while still having a house full of food for all my toads.   I have chosen to try and make better eating decisions every day.   Does that mean I have a brownie sometimes?  Your damn skippy it does.
Exercise:  That is my strength.  I LOVE to exercise.  I wish I had more time to exercise.   And I have refused (some days are tougher than others) to feel guilty about taking the time for me.  I walk on the treadmill for at least 60 minutes a day (I do anywhere from 3-4 miles). That is doing the trick.   If I had the brownie maybe I will do an extra 15 minutes - maybe not.  

Since August I have lost 32 lbs.  The point is do what works for you.  You don't need to count points or buy someone's prepackaged food to know that eating a donut is worse than having a bowl of oatmeal.   You know that walking to the mailbox is better for you than driving your car to it.  Don't pay someone for common sense. 

Advice for Non-Fatties Talking To Fatties:

• If you have never been in a double digit size -just shut the fuck up.  Period.  No one cares that you were a size 4 and then - gasp - gained 10 lbs. and had to buy a six.   Talk to me when you add a "teen" to end of that. 

• If you went up 10-20 lbs and lost it to get back to your size 4.   Well fucking hoorah for you.  Shut up.   I don't care. 

• If you remember being a single digit size.  Good for you.   Don't share.

• If you have trouble gaining or maintaining weight.  LOL.  Really?  Just go to the zoo and jump into the lions den.   You have a better chance of survival.

• If you think "The Avenue" is a dance club we cannot be friends.

• "You are beautiful" is a compliment.   "You have a beautiful face." is NOT a compliment.   Everyone fat person on the planet knows the rest of that statement is "gee, it is too bad about the rest of you."    The next time I see someone with a smokin' body I am going to say "Wow, you have a great body.......... Say, have you thought about meeting with a plastic surgeon about your face?"

 The most ridiculous thing I was ever told:

J-Toad (my 10 year old) is not growing according to the doctors charts.   In a nutshell he is not even on the growth chart.   So we met with an endocrinologists.   She is concerned because he is so thin (54 lbs.).   How is this for irony?   I have a child that I have been told needs to GAIN weight.  Yeah -  I have no clue.    Anyway she says (really I swear):  "Weight and height work hand and hand.  If you can get him to eat more calories it will help to stimulate his growth."    I looked at her and said "Really?   If that were the case I should be 7 feet tall."   She had no comment.

Hugs~
Tracie

Children Are Not Only For Tax Deductions!

I LOVE to drive fast.   L O V E    I T!    Not when you do it - you, of course, are not capable of handling such speed and will inevitably cause an accident.   But not MOI - I have some mad skillz peeps.  I have no idea what the speed limits are 90% of the time.  I just drive.  Usually this puts me at least 10 miles over the posted speed.  But never more than that - mom - if you are reading this.  I drive to my comfort level of the road.   I am an incredibly lousy passenger.   I am almost only comfortable if I am in control of the car.  This causes many fights with Mr. Toad (who drives like well, um, a toad).    I drive fast SAFELY.   I do NOT swerve in and out of traffic, I do not tailgate, I do not text while I drive or put on make-up, etc....   I generally follow all the rules except the pesky speed limit one.  Seriously that couldn't possibly be applicable to moi?

My very first car was a pretty blue camaro and it was LOVE at first site.  Way way way back back back in the day I would say that I was possibly a hottie (nice car - big boobs - big hair - you can do the math).  My love of speed led inevitably to encounters with law enforcement.   I would need all my fingers and toes and the fingers and toes of my 2 children (and possibly some of your kids as well) to be able to count the number of times I was pulled over.  However I would only need one hand to count the number of actual tickets.   I rarely ever got a ticket.   Big boobs and big hair kind of did the trick.   A low cut shirt, hair toss, and a "Who me?" batting of the eyes was enough 95% of the time.   For the other 5% a few well placed friends in law enforcement did the trick.    I even outran 2 state troopers on 2 separate occasions.  I know this sounds like bragging but I'm not.....  okay maybe a little.  I could run rings around Danica!   One of these incidents resulted in the loss of a friendship.  "OMG OMG OMG Tracie - stop....... blah blah blah....... gonna be sick."   Some girls are such wussies!.

That was then .......... this is now.   My love of speed has not changed.  My camaro has morphed into a minivan.  A minivan that screams "I am a middle-aged mom with 2 kids wearing a sensible support bra".   Shockingly the minivan does not perform like a camaro.   But then again I no longer perform like a camaro either.   I am happy to report that being pulled over is no longer as common an occurrence as brushing one's teeth.   So imagine my shock when I was pulled over and GOT A TICKET!   What the hell is that??   Apparently my dyed hair, my adorable TWO laugh lines, and less than perky boobs (even with the support of 15 gage wire) are sadly no longer able to sway the Officer Baby Face calling me "MA'AM".   God I fucking HATE being called "ma'am" or "kiddo".  And now my days of not getting tickets have apparently come to an end.

Or have they?? 

What I have discovered is that having kids - especially adorably funny children is just as good as being young and having boobies!   I have been pulled only a few times while having the kids in the car and have yet to get a ticket.

-Pull over 1:   I had my kids in the car and someone else's on our way to god knows where when the blue lights came on behind us.    Shit.    It was summer so all the windows are open.  As the cop comes carefully up along side of my car, the kids start chanting "Put Mommy in Jail" "Put Mommy in Jail".   By the time the cop actually got to me he was laughing his ass off.   That was it - no license - no registration - just a "OMG - that was the funniest thing ever".   That was when the genius first dawned.  My children could be ASSETS!

-Pull over 2:  We were running late and I was definitely speeding.  I was trying to get Z-Toad to Karate.  I came up over a hill and there was Mr. Blue Light.   He didn't even have to pull out of his spot. I was done.  I knew it.  I pulled myself over.  Our conversation:

Officer:  "Ma'am (cringe!!) - Do you know the speed limit?"
Me:   "Um - no" (am I suppose to ever say yes when asked this question?).
Z-Toad (from the backseat buckled in as required by law - yippee!!!):  "Mom I told you it was 30 and that you were going too fast."
Me: (that was true - Z-Toad wants to be a cop and is obsessed with the speed limit signs.  Let me tell you how much fun that is on a 4 hour drive)  "Z-Toad just sit there and be quiet."
Officer: "You should have listened to him."
Z-Toad: "She was just trying to get me to karate on time."
Officer: "You take karate, little man?"
Z-Toad: "Yes.  I take it cause I want to be a policeman when I grow up."
I could literally see the words "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" flashing on his young non-wrinkled forehead.    I had to resist the urge to unbuckle myself and shower Z-Toad with kisses.   His charm knows no limits.  You work it son.   Mom has never been so proud :)


How do I know this is fact?   Well strictly as a pure scientific experiment to enable me to write a knowledgeable blog for you all,  I got myself pulled over. 
No need to thank me - just send a small donation.  Enough to cover about $150? 
No children in the car.   Just me. 
And for good measure I made sure my back left brake light was out. 
And if that wasn't enough I pulled over on the left side of the road (I didn't realize I was being pulled and it was just trying to get out of his way.   Any hoots it is apparently illegal to pull over to the left...... details).  

How did that encounter go you ask?


My advice: Either hoist your girls up so you look like you have no neck or make sure to pack a kid or 2 when you travel.  Helps if they are funny, or charming, or........ if nothing else teach them to throw up on command. 



Just sayin'

Merry Christmas All~
Tracie

Never Underestimate the Smart!

Recently we were suppose to go over a friend of mine's house for a monthly card party.   I was having just one of those days:  the kids were fighting each other from the second they laid eyes on one another that morning,  I had like 100 things to do (may be not quite that many but it felt that way), and I had been fighting a headache that day (after 10 motrin the throbbing in my head was just bearable).   So the thought of going to a house full of folks and then also putting my kids into the mix was not appealing.   I called said friend told her what was going on - begged her forgiveness and swore I would be a better BFF in the future. 

The problem was that Z-Toad LOVES to go to this friend's house.   It is mainly because Z-Toad loves women and there would be a house full to swoon all over him.   I had already hinted a few times that I didn't think I was up to going.  That put his mood from bad to thismuchshort of hell & fury. 

I figure that could Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast my 8 year old!!  
Yeah - not so much.

**Earlier that day I went to my hairdresser and had my roots touched up (please note they are not gray just a darker brown than I would like - ahem).  She also had to thin it.   I have a LOT of flippin' hair and it tends to grow horizontal thus the need for thinning shears.   For those 2 of you not in know - thinning your hair causes massive amounts of hair to be shed throughout the rest of your day.   I left my hubby's car with a lovely hair blanket on his drivers seat (you're welcome babe!).**

Then the light bulb went off.........

I went upstairs to toss my head under the tub just to get the last of the cut hair out.   I then called another friend and asked her to call me back.    The phone rang and then after waiting some time I yelled downstairs "That was XXX who called,  XXX (her daughter) is sick so we can't go."    Pretty slick, huh?  I am smarter than my second grader  =)
It was a proud moment folks!!! 

Z-Toad comes sauntering up the stairs with his Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass and top hat looking like the cat that ate the canary.

Z-Toad:   "Mom, I don't think that is what really happened."   he says eying me suspiciously
Me:  "Oh really, Z-Toad?    And how would you know if XXX is sick?"
Z-Toad: "Well the phone didn't say XXX name when it rang it said another name.   So it wasn't XXX who called.   You lied mommy."
Me:  crap - crap - crap - think - think - think - can't let 8 year old win.....
Me: "Z-Toad Mommy would never lie to you.   I am hurt you would think that."
Me: damn talking phones - damn hubby who has to have every technology under the sun.....
Me: "Well for your information Mr. Smartypants, she called from the doctor's office phone cause she wanted to let us know.   That is why the name was different."
Score!
Z-Toad:  "Mom!   I want to text her."
Shit!
Me: "Z-Toad would my hair be wet if I wasn't about to get ready to go?   Do you think I would have made the cookies downstairs to bring if I didn't plan on going?   Don't you think I am disappointed to?"
Z-Toad: "Oh" 
Z-Toad:  thinking....... thinking.......thinking......
Z-Toad:  "Mom that sucks you did ALL that work and then they canceled!   I am mad at XXX."
Me: "Well honey don't be mad at XXX it is not her fault that XXX is sick.   And girls get embarrassed when they get sick so don't bring it up and make her feel bad."

And then we had a somewhat peaceful (if you call brawling between J-Toad Hatfield & Z-Toad McCoy peaceful) night.   I also placed a phone call to the said BFF to explain what went on so that she could back me up because I know this little event is the first thing that Z-Toad will bring up.

What was even more funny was that we had plans later in the week with the same folks and they legitimately had to cancel!!!    Z-Toad says "AGAIN?!?!"    LOL
Well....... at least I think it was legit.
Hmmmmmmmmmm.......

Hugs!
Tracie

-ps- A funny from Z-Toad who discovered that he cannot see out of his mask for Halloween cause the eye holes are cut too small.  He tells me he understands why they are so small.....
"The mask was made in China and they can't open their eyes wide!"

Maybe Things Are Only Funny In My Head?

Or Alternatively Titled:  The 4,328th reason that my children will require therapy.

Getting Z-Toad up in the morning for school is not easy - nor is it pleasant.   It doesn't matter how much sleep he gets, it doesn't matter if he went bed in a great mood, and it doesn't matter the method in which I wake him - he is flippin' G R O U C H Y!

I have tried literally yanking him out of bed by his feet (this method works on my older child who would sleep thru a nuclear attack), I have tried waking him slowly over the span of an hour with music or some NiKTV crap, I have tried tickling him, and I have tried being all nicey-nice whispering that it is time to get up, that he is the greatest child ever and my favorite over what's his face (just a joke people) and all that positive affirmation crap.  And ya know what?   Nothing changes.  He is THE Grouchmiser in the am.

I have learned to make him to a shower the night before to avoid a meltdown in the morning - that would be my meltdown not his!  He doesn't want to put clothes on, he doesn't want to brush his teeth, and he even insists that after 72,000 hours of sleep and 270 ounces of water guzzled .0000004 seconds before he falls asleep that he does not need the bathroom in the morning.

Then one morning as he was standing in front of the toilet arguing with me for the gazillonith time, I started talking like I was his pee-pee (no I don't call it his penis because if I said the real word he would say it like 500 times within a 3 minute span and probably in the middle of church).  I bet you didn't know that a pee-pee could have a voice?   Well it can and it does.  In my head I see a Pee-Pee Muppet.  It looks like a paper towel roll with a face and a beret on top.  Cause see for some reason the voice came out....... with a  French accent.      

So in the morning if you were to eavesdrop outside the bathroom window you would hear:
(Please read Z-Toad's line as if a font called    "7 Year Old Whiny Squeaky Voice  "   existed. )

Z-Toad:  Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Can't I sleep more?
Me: Go to the bathroom Zach
Z-Toad: I DON'T HAVE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Lift the toilet seat Z-Toad.
Z-Toad: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I don't need to.
Me: Z-Toad yes you do.  (turning on the faucet)
Z-Toad:  MOOOMMMM - Don't you listen to me!!!!
Me: (as Pierre the Pee-Pee with a beret):   What do you mean we don't have to go??   I have been in bed for 10 hours dood!  TEN Hours!  Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!  I have been stuck in your underwear in the dark all night!  For the love of Pete,  I have to goooooooooooo.  (by now Z-Toad is usually giggling).    Your the one that drank all the water before we went to bed.  I told you not to!   Why did you do that?  I had to hold it all night so you could sleep.   Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!!  I have to go........

By now he is laughing - and going to the bathroom.  It also effectively eliminates the grouchy Z-Toad monster.

Then one morning this image just popped into my head.  Z-Toad is out on date.......and you know things are happening and now Pierre the Pee-Pee is starting to talk to Z-toad for other reasons.  Except the end message is still the same:  Take me out!  Take me out!  

And in that moment who's voice do you think Z-Toad will hear in his head??   What memory will pop into his head?        

So to the future Mrs. Z-Toad - I apologize....... a little.

Hugs~
Tracie

Some New Button Ideas for Facebook!

I don't have to talk to anyone - I can email, text, tweet, fb anyone my every little thought.  For those of us with a still intact FBBM (Filter Between Brain & Mouth) these tools are perfectly acceptable.   But sadly there are many who suffer from FBBM and technology for them is a drug.   If it were just a simple drug addiction they would go off into their own little world and you could ignore them but these FBBMers wield technology like a weapon and suck you into their web.

To that end (and in the interest of saving time) I am going to suggest a few buttons that FB might consider adding:


Nobody Believes Your Status Messages.  (this is for those pesky eternally happy people with their fucking perky happy messages - they are full of shit.   They are the ones of the verge of a mental break.  Mark my words in 6 months you will see them on "Dateline ID")

You Need To Up Your Meds (or Have You Been Holding Out On Me?)

Facebook is Not A Licensed Therapist.  (for those annoying shits who like to post esoteric messages - it is really just a roll call for them to see which of their friends are reading them.  "today is a dark day....... i can only hope for a better tomorrow")  Followed by 27 messages asking "What, What, What"?   Said person is no longer posting ......  You wait and look at FB - OMG - what if something happened - where could they have gone?   They have gone nowhere.   They have their eyes glued to their fb screen, hitting the refresh button, making a list of who has responded.   The rest of you will be defriended - only to be asked to be their friend again in a week.

TMI - Get a Room!  (could be renamed to:  Ewwwwwwwwwww......My Eyes..... Dear God make the visual stop!!!)

Amen. Love and Praise to HIM (I am pretty sure that God does not expect or want you to praise him for everything from "I found my car keys" to "Thank god they haven't canceled General Hospital yet")  Maybe fb could provide a little clicky "Praise Him" button and then when hit the button it would pop up somewhere on your profile "(insert name) has praised God today.  Have you?"

I SO Don't Care.   (probably applicable to 90% of all posts - although surely not any of mine)

I Pray For Everything (you don't need to ask just assume you are on the list unless otherwise explicitly noted).

Your Political Views Suck (both sides - all sides - suck - they all lie - I can poke as many holes into your beliefs as you can poke into mine.   Although my arguments will undoubtedly be more articulate than yours).

My (husband, wife, children, brother, sister, UPS guy) is Truly the Bestest Ever.   I already know it.  They already know it.  We don't feel the need to brag about it in some wall posts and make everyone else feel like shit.)

We all know your (hubby, wife, kids, sisters, brothers) and KNOW You Are Lying.

I am SO sick of reading about your friggin brats.  (this of course does not apply to me, my brats, or my fb posts about said friggin brats).  

I am just pressing this button because you are neurotic and I don't want a PM message, text, or call asking me why I didn't press this damn button!



And could we just change the LIKE button to what it truly is?


Please Click Here to Provide Me with Positive Affirmation.  Pretty Please.  Please Click Me.  PLEASE!!!  Dear God Please let someone click me before too much time has passed.   oh wait are people  just going to click like because they feel sorry for me.   But that is still okay, right?  Why does fb have to keep saying how much time has passed.   I bet it only times my posts.   Please someone.   Maybe I should post again - some sort of computer glich must have happened.   I can't believe none of my 3, 857 friends don't have time to  validate me.   The timer says I posted this a whole minute ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I will teach all of them.  Let's see type my status here:  "today is a dark day.......... i can only hope for a better tomorrow."   Now let's watch the comments roll in.........  I am SO liked.  


And every time someone hit the LIKE button your computer would say:
"Smile (insert name here).   Someone likes you at this very moment".   
But in my twisted and demented mind the voice would continue....
"Please note that (friend 47, friend 52, friend 102) have yet to hit the like button although
they have all been on facebook  for a total of 312 minutes, have seen your post, and have clicked like on 27 other wall posts."

How come no one has designed a little counter for everyone's page that tally's up the number of likes you get over your lifetime?   

Then we could have the "How To Tell If Your Friends Really Like You" Chart:


0-100:  Do I have to tell you?   Find a tall bridge.
101-499:  Having 2 really close friends is all that anyone really needs.   Really ;)
500-999:  Let me guess, always a bridesmaid, right?
1000+ :   You Are Fucking Awesome!   Your virtual world loves you!!!!   Now go feed your 67 cats.


Hugs~
Tracie


Um- and go click like - please?

Don't Say I Give My Kids Nothing ........... Neurosis Is Something!

There is nothing worse on the news then stories about missing kids.   I am not someone who cries easily but bring on parents that are desperately looking for a lost child and I am in a puddle.

It should then come as no shock that my kids have heard their who lives - from the fetus people!! - about the evil people in the world just waiting to snatch them.   Don't trust anyone!!  They have heard the puppy scam stories.   They have been told to fight with every ounce they have in them because most times when a child is taken the outcome is tragic.   They have been told to yell, scream, punch, kick, bite, anything to make you not an easy target.   Do I think they listen?   Shit I hope so.   But they pretty much listen to nothing I say so what would make me think this would be different?

Am I neurotic?  Yes.   Do I live in a "bad" town?  Um - nope.   Do I know where the registered sex offenders live in my town?  Yes.    Two live one street over in the same house.    Is there a reason that we can't make them all live in some frozen wasteland to freeze to death?  Or if you believe the global warming idiots they can drown when it all melts.

Do I get made fun of by some relatives and friends about my neurosis?   Yes.   Do I care?  No.  They can suck it. 

Here in the Toadstool we have on the ID network most frequently.   Investigation Discovery.  It is all about true life murders and how the perp is eventually got.   It is fascinating to me.   In my next life I want to be a blood splatter analysis.   And, yes, I am HUGE Dexter fan.  I almost exclusively read detective/murder type books.

My two toads are also addicted to the station.  THEY turn to the station instead of cartoons.   There is pretty much no reason that J-Toad would EVER put down his I-pod but it always gets shut off as he gets sucked in to another story.   Do I have to explain some difficult words at times?   Yes.   Have I told them that some things need to be explained when they are older?  Most definitely.    We usually try to predict the outcome - whether or not we think they are guilty.   I have discovered that J-Toad thinks everyone is guilty and Z-Toad, sadly, may be a defense attorney (shudder).   If you are gonna have the balls to murder someone you ought to have the balls to own up to it. 

During these shows there are re-enactments.  Nothing ever too graphic - certainly nothing more than a movie you would see.   J-Toad, as fascinated as he is by the show, will always turn away pale as a ghost and wait until that part is over.   Z-Toad wants to know what make of gun, knife, etc..... that is being used.   I am like Z-Toad.

Have you ever seen those shows where they test your child by putting them in a controlled situation with a stranger to see what they would do?   It is AMAZING and frightening the number of children that will just go off with a stranger!  I always wanted to test my kids but I have now come to realize that J-Toad would probably have a heart attack on the spot.

Yesterday I asked J-Toad to go get the mail.   The distance from the house to the mailbox is not huge.  I can SEE my mailbox from the house.   I bet I could even throw a football the distance.   He asks Z-Toad to stand in the door and watch him.   I watch as he runs to the mailbox and then watch as he freaks out and runs back arms flailing back to the house. 

Me: "J-Toad is there a problem?"
J-Toad:  "Didn't you see the car coming?"
Me:  "I saw the car driving up the road."
J-Toad:  "What if they had been stalking me and waiting for me to go get the mail so they could take me?"

And with that my job is done and my neurosis has been passed to the next generation.
Your Welcome.

Hugs~
Tracie

Why I am not concerned about my childrens safety and comfort.

I had to go into the school this am and talk to Z-Toad's teacher.  It will be 80 here today and I told the kids not to bring their jackets because the school's policy is that they wear out to recess whatever they were sent to school in.  Completely stupid.  Wouldn't want anyone to exercise reason or common sense.

I made an error in judgment last month - okay, well I didn't the weather morons got it wrong.  It was suppose to increase in temperature by the afternoon and it did not.  When the kids left school it was cool, wet, and miserable.  And - gasp - shock - they came out of school had to walk 2 whole minutes to get to the car in short sleeve shirts.  I hardly think it killed them.

Here is the thing.   I DRIVE them to school every morning and I pick them up at the end of school.   The only time they are outside is during a 20 minute recess.   I suppose you could count the 5 minutes in the am before school and the 5 minutes in the afternoon after school.   They are not on a bus - they are not waiting outside for anything - they don't have to walk 3 miles uphill in 4' deep snow.   Get it?   The teacher's know this.

So this morning Z-Toad is having a complete meltdown over not having a jacket cause he was going to loose recess.  His teacher says they have to bring a coat or they don't get recess.  Oh really?  I tell Z-Toad I am your Mom and I trump teacher every time.   Z-Toad is now sobbing "MOM"!!!! 

In the school I go to talk to Z-Toad's teacher.
Comments in red are what I should have said.

Me: Hi.  I just wanted to let you know that Z-Toad does not have a jacket today.  He seems to think he will lose his recess.
Teacher:  Oh no.  That is fine for today.   It was that other time when it was like 30 out and he didn't have a coat.  That day there was an issue.
Me: Bitch - L E T     I  T      G O    Well yes that was my error.  The weather was not suppose to get that bad.   Although it was not 30 degrees that morning.
Teacher:  You realize as his teacher I am concerned for his safety and comfort.
Me: Whew!!!!  I can just take that off my parenting "things to do" list if you have that covered.  Perhaps you should be more concerned about 2 brats kids playing "Tackle Zachary" at recess resulting in him getting a big huge bruise on his forehead.   Well as his mom I think I can decide whether or not he needs a jacket.
Teacher:  We are just concerned for the kids.
Me:  Apparently listening is not a high priority for the superior parent/teacher.   Again I am perfectly capable of deciding what my children should wear on any given day.   My older toad has an issue where he doesn't sweat.  When he gets overheated he turns pale, feels like he is going to vomit, and gets a headache.   He physically doesn't sweat.   The doctors still haven't been able to figure out why.   But since he was born - he does not sleep with covers.  Ever.  30 degrees below zero - no covers.  As his mom I always want to make sure that all the teachers are aware so that nothing more drastic happens to him.   So I am very sensitive to the "safety and comfort" of my children.
Teacher: Is the lack of sweat due to him being dehydrated?  Maybe he just needs more liquids?
Me: Holy Shit you are a pediatrician too?   Wow you is wicked smart.  I will let the doctors know that you have solved this medical mystery that has plagued them for 8 years in like 30 seconds.  And without seeing his medical history or even a physical exam!!!!    Well I am sure the doctors at Children's Hospital have looked at that in conjunction with the battery of other tests they have run.  But as I have said they are still not sure why he doesn't sweat "normal".   All I am told is that if he starts feeling sick and is uncomfortable that he needs to move out of the heat.

All this over a stupid jacket.  
Maybe tomorrow I will send him in a bathing suit ;)

Hugs~
Tracie