September 25, 2012

Weight Loss: Tips, Tricks, & Truths

I started my diet/exercise routine in September of 2011.   To date I have lost 82lbs.   I have gone from a size 22/24 jean to a size 12.    I thought it might be amusing to share some things I have learned along the way:

  • Dieting sucks.  Period.   It really truly does.  No one should sugar coat it (haha - get it?) for you.   Oh my god I would love to wake up every morning to chocolate.  Chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.   Hmmmmm - a c t u a l l y,  I would like to wake up every morning to Joe Manganiello bringing me breakfast in bed (a hot fudge sundae hold the ice cream please) telling me how incredibly hot I looked.   Sigh.   Sadly, that is probably not going to happen.  What is even worse?  I would probably eat the sundae first ;)
  • And this is Joe.  I just wanted to share in case any of you didn't know to whom I was referring.   But I have already called dibs. Hands off!!!  I have deluded myself into believing that he is my reward at the end of my journey.  Do not burst my bubble.
  • You can say you want to lose weight for the health benefits. blah. blah. blah.  We all know it is to get into the skinny jeans!!!
  • There is no such thing as "filler" foods when you are craving something.   And what ever dipshit told you to drink water to help give you that full feeling was full of shit.   If you are craving something HAVE IT.    However do one of the following:  1) Limit yourself to how much (I have literally just taken a bite of something),  2) Count ALL those calories into your day and suck it up buttercup if that means celery for the rest of the day (obviously this is not a healthy option so don't do it often), or 3) Ramp up the exercise routine big time that day.       Above all put what you did BEHIND you and move on.  It is a new day - a new hour - a new minute.   If you need to start over 15 times in one day then do it.   It gets easier everyday.
  • My skinny size 0 sister has suggested brushing your teeth when you are hungry so that you don't want to eat.  It doesn't work.   I do however have the cleanest teeth in the state.  
  • Exercise! Exercise! Exercise!   I truly think this is what did it for me.   It turns out that I LOVE to exercise (most of the time.....).    And when I say exercise...... Honey you need to work up a huge ass S W E A T.  A disgustingly dripping drenching everywhere type sweat.  You need to peel your clothes off when you are done.   You need to smell like a man!!!  Okay maybe that is taking it too far.   I spent years in the past doing hours and hours and hours on an elliptical.  It did nothing.    When I started last year we already had a treadmill (the hubby bought it for himself years before and it had been used maybe 5 times but it made a fantastic drying rack).   Just do it!   No I am not endorsing Nike.   Everybody has to start somewhere.  If you walk 1 mile and it takes you 30 minutes - that is fantastic - cause ya didn't do it yesterday, right?   The only one you need to compete against is YOURSELF.    When I started it took me 70-75 minutes to do 3 miles.   I can now do those same 3 miles in about 42 minutes. 
  • And here is a depressing little newsflash:  Those machines we all use to burn calories??  The calorie counts on them?  Rubbish.  A complete flat out lie.  Pisses ya off right?   You get done and think you have burned like 700 calories.  Not even close.  Try like 30-35% of that number.   Sucks - someone should kick their asses for blatantly lying.
  • Little things count!!!   Park farther away from stores or wear ankle weights around the house (especially when you do housework).   It will all add up and you will get stronger.  Do NOT wear these when going out to get the mail and you have an ass for a neighbor unless you want to listen to his bullshit.  
  • Did you know that your calves can actually touch when you walk????  No really!!!  Recently I was walking around here at home doing stuff and I kept feeling like there was something on my calf - like a little bug (and most of ya know how I feel about bugs!!!)- so I kept stopping and brushing my legs.   You know what it was?  My thighs have actually gotten small enough that my calves swish by each other when I walk.   I know - who knew that was possible??  LOL.
  • Your weight loss will be all from your boobs.   Really.  Further proof that god is definitely a man.  :(    If you are smaller now well you will get even smaller.   Z-Toad (my 9 year old boob guy) has expressed his dissatisfaction with the lack of pillowing when he wants to cuddle.    So get ready to pony up some serious $$$ as you go down in bra sizes!!   I was a 44DDD and am now a 38DD.   So far Victoria Secret (which I can finally fit into!) gets my vote for best bras.   Side note:  I have always always always worn a bra to bed.  I know you are cringing (eek! a bra to bed)  BUT I swear that is why my boobs are where they are and not trying to kiss my knees!   You may be 20 now and they are attached to your chin but 20 years from now you will remember this posts when they look like stretched out pendulums! 
  • Stretch marks.   Ugh.   Okay well stretch marks when they are S T R E T C H E D out are really not so bad.  I know you think they are hideous now but trust me!   You hate the little buggers across your tummy right? And maybe your tummy has the makings of a map of a city.   Once you start shrinking - the city starts getting smaller and your roads start to pucker and warp.  Honey the city is going to need to be resurfaced.  Stat!   Do you know that gastric bypass folks GET a tummy tuck as part of their procedure????   I am not begrudging anyone anything but damn I think if you do it the old fashioned way that should also be the case!   Am I right girls???
  • Lastly - surround yourself with a FANTASTIC group of women!!  You will find your inspiration and provide inspiration for someone else.
  • Okay - this is really last.   Even when you totally blow the day you have to realize it is JUST that day and it does not define your journey.  

This is the picture on my fridge (on the left) and me now:



Bob Hinman said...

Proud of you Hon!

Cara said...

Good job friend! I am so thrilled for you.

vixen kitten said...

I am so proud of you! You look great!