December 20, 2011

Children Are Not Only For Tax Deductions!

I LOVE to drive fast.   L O V E    I T!    Not when you do it - you, of course, are not capable of handling such speed and will inevitably cause an accident.   But not MOI - I have some mad skillz peeps.  I have no idea what the speed limits are 90% of the time.  I just drive.  Usually this puts me at least 10 miles over the posted speed.  But never more than that - mom - if you are reading this.  I drive to my comfort level of the road.   I am an incredibly lousy passenger.   I am almost only comfortable if I am in control of the car.  This causes many fights with Mr. Toad (who drives like well, um, a toad).    I drive fast SAFELY.   I do NOT swerve in and out of traffic, I do not tailgate, I do not text while I drive or put on make-up, etc....   I generally follow all the rules except the pesky speed limit one.  Seriously that couldn't possibly be applicable to moi?

My very first car was a pretty blue camaro and it was LOVE at first site.  Way way way back back back in the day I would say that I was possibly a hottie (nice car - big boobs - big hair - you can do the math).  My love of speed led inevitably to encounters with law enforcement.   I would need all my fingers and toes and the fingers and toes of my 2 children (and possibly some of your kids as well) to be able to count the number of times I was pulled over.  However I would only need one hand to count the number of actual tickets.   I rarely ever got a ticket.   Big boobs and big hair kind of did the trick.   A low cut shirt, hair toss, and a "Who me?" batting of the eyes was enough 95% of the time.   For the other 5% a few well placed friends in law enforcement did the trick.    I even outran 2 state troopers on 2 separate occasions.  I know this sounds like bragging but I'm not.....  okay maybe a little.  I could run rings around Danica!   One of these incidents resulted in the loss of a friendship.  "OMG OMG OMG Tracie - stop....... blah blah blah....... gonna be sick."   Some girls are such wussies!.

That was then .......... this is now.   My love of speed has not changed.  My camaro has morphed into a minivan.  A minivan that screams "I am a middle-aged mom with 2 kids wearing a sensible support bra".   Shockingly the minivan does not perform like a camaro.   But then again I no longer perform like a camaro either.   I am happy to report that being pulled over is no longer as common an occurrence as brushing one's teeth.   So imagine my shock when I was pulled over and GOT A TICKET!   What the hell is that??   Apparently my dyed hair, my adorable TWO laugh lines, and less than perky boobs (even with the support of 15 gage wire) are sadly no longer able to sway the Officer Baby Face calling me "MA'AM".   God I fucking HATE being called "ma'am" or "kiddo".  And now my days of not getting tickets have apparently come to an end.

Or have they?? 

What I have discovered is that having kids - especially adorably funny children is just as good as being young and having boobies!   I have been pulled only a few times while having the kids in the car and have yet to get a ticket.

-Pull over 1:   I had my kids in the car and someone else's on our way to god knows where when the blue lights came on behind us.    Shit.    It was summer so all the windows are open.  As the cop comes carefully up along side of my car, the kids start chanting "Put Mommy in Jail" "Put Mommy in Jail".   By the time the cop actually got to me he was laughing his ass off.   That was it - no license - no registration - just a "OMG - that was the funniest thing ever".   That was when the genius first dawned.  My children could be ASSETS!

-Pull over 2:  We were running late and I was definitely speeding.  I was trying to get Z-Toad to Karate.  I came up over a hill and there was Mr. Blue Light.   He didn't even have to pull out of his spot. I was done.  I knew it.  I pulled myself over.  Our conversation:

Officer:  "Ma'am (cringe!!) - Do you know the speed limit?"
Me:   "Um - no" (am I suppose to ever say yes when asked this question?).
Z-Toad (from the backseat buckled in as required by law - yippee!!!):  "Mom I told you it was 30 and that you were going too fast."
Me: (that was true - Z-Toad wants to be a cop and is obsessed with the speed limit signs.  Let me tell you how much fun that is on a 4 hour drive)  "Z-Toad just sit there and be quiet."
Officer: "You should have listened to him."
Z-Toad: "She was just trying to get me to karate on time."
Officer: "You take karate, little man?"
Z-Toad: "Yes.  I take it cause I want to be a policeman when I grow up."
I could literally see the words "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" flashing on his young non-wrinkled forehead.    I had to resist the urge to unbuckle myself and shower Z-Toad with kisses.   His charm knows no limits.  You work it son.   Mom has never been so proud :)

How do I know this is fact?   Well strictly as a pure scientific experiment to enable me to write a knowledgeable blog for you all,  I got myself pulled over. 
No need to thank me - just send a small donation.  Enough to cover about $150? 
No children in the car.   Just me. 
And for good measure I made sure my back left brake light was out. 
And if that wasn't enough I pulled over on the left side of the road (I didn't realize I was being pulled and it was just trying to get out of his way.   Any hoots it is apparently illegal to pull over to the left...... details).  

How did that encounter go you ask?

My advice: Either hoist your girls up so you look like you have no neck or make sure to pack a kid or 2 when you travel.  Helps if they are funny, or charming, or........ if nothing else teach them to throw up on command. 

Just sayin'

Merry Christmas All~

October 22, 2011

Never Underestimate the Smart!

Recently we were suppose to go over a friend of mine's house for a monthly card party.   I was having just one of those days:  the kids were fighting each other from the second they laid eyes on one another that morning,  I had like 100 things to do (may be not quite that many but it felt that way), and I had been fighting a headache that day (after 10 motrin the throbbing in my head was just bearable).   So the thought of going to a house full of folks and then also putting my kids into the mix was not appealing.   I called said friend told her what was going on - begged her forgiveness and swore I would be a better BFF in the future. 

The problem was that Z-Toad LOVES to go to this friend's house.   It is mainly because Z-Toad loves women and there would be a house full to swoon all over him.   I had already hinted a few times that I didn't think I was up to going.  That put his mood from bad to thismuchshort of hell & fury. 

I figure that could Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast my 8 year old!!  
Yeah - not so much.

**Earlier that day I went to my hairdresser and had my roots touched up (please note they are not gray just a darker brown than I would like - ahem).  She also had to thin it.   I have a LOT of flippin' hair and it tends to grow horizontal thus the need for thinning shears.   For those 2 of you not in know - thinning your hair causes massive amounts of hair to be shed throughout the rest of your day.   I left my hubby's car with a lovely hair blanket on his drivers seat (you're welcome babe!).**

Then the light bulb went off.........

I went upstairs to toss my head under the tub just to get the last of the cut hair out.   I then called another friend and asked her to call me back.    The phone rang and then after waiting some time I yelled downstairs "That was XXX who called,  XXX (her daughter) is sick so we can't go."    Pretty slick, huh?  I am smarter than my second grader  =)
It was a proud moment folks!!! 

Z-Toad comes sauntering up the stairs with his Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass and top hat looking like the cat that ate the canary.

Z-Toad:   "Mom, I don't think that is what really happened."   he says eying me suspiciously
Me:  "Oh really, Z-Toad?    And how would you know if XXX is sick?"
Z-Toad: "Well the phone didn't say XXX name when it rang it said another name.   So it wasn't XXX who called.   You lied mommy."
Me:  crap - crap - crap - think - think - think - can't let 8 year old win.....
Me: "Z-Toad Mommy would never lie to you.   I am hurt you would think that."
Me: damn talking phones - damn hubby who has to have every technology under the sun.....
Me: "Well for your information Mr. Smartypants, she called from the doctor's office phone cause she wanted to let us know.   That is why the name was different."
Z-Toad:  "Mom!   I want to text her."
Me: "Z-Toad would my hair be wet if I wasn't about to get ready to go?   Do you think I would have made the cookies downstairs to bring if I didn't plan on going?   Don't you think I am disappointed to?"
Z-Toad: "Oh" 
Z-Toad:  thinking....... thinking.......thinking......
Z-Toad:  "Mom that sucks you did ALL that work and then they canceled!   I am mad at XXX."
Me: "Well honey don't be mad at XXX it is not her fault that XXX is sick.   And girls get embarrassed when they get sick so don't bring it up and make her feel bad."

And then we had a somewhat peaceful (if you call brawling between J-Toad Hatfield & Z-Toad McCoy peaceful) night.   I also placed a phone call to the said BFF to explain what went on so that she could back me up because I know this little event is the first thing that Z-Toad will bring up.

What was even more funny was that we had plans later in the week with the same folks and they legitimately had to cancel!!!    Z-Toad says "AGAIN?!?!"    LOL
Well....... at least I think it was legit.


-ps- A funny from Z-Toad who discovered that he cannot see out of his mask for Halloween cause the eye holes are cut too small.  He tells me he understands why they are so small.....
"The mask was made in China and they can't open their eyes wide!"

June 9, 2011

Maybe Things Are Only Funny In My Head?

Or Alternatively Titled:  The 4,328th reason that my children will require therapy.

Getting Z-Toad up in the morning for school is not easy - nor is it pleasant.   It doesn't matter how much sleep he gets, it doesn't matter if he went bed in a great mood, and it doesn't matter the method in which I wake him - he is flippin' G R O U C H Y!

I have tried literally yanking him out of bed by his feet (this method works on my older child who would sleep thru a nuclear attack), I have tried waking him slowly over the span of an hour with music or some NiKTV crap, I have tried tickling him, and I have tried being all nicey-nice whispering that it is time to get up, that he is the greatest child ever and my favorite over what's his face (just a joke people) and all that positive affirmation crap.  And ya know what?   Nothing changes.  He is THE Grouchmiser in the am.

I have learned to make him to a shower the night before to avoid a meltdown in the morning - that would be my meltdown not his!  He doesn't want to put clothes on, he doesn't want to brush his teeth, and he even insists that after 72,000 hours of sleep and 270 ounces of water guzzled .0000004 seconds before he falls asleep that he does not need the bathroom in the morning.

Then one morning as he was standing in front of the toilet arguing with me for the gazillonith time, I started talking like I was his pee-pee (no I don't call it his penis because if I said the real word he would say it like 500 times within a 3 minute span and probably in the middle of church).  I bet you didn't know that a pee-pee could have a voice?   Well it can and it does.  In my head I see a Pee-Pee Muppet.  It looks like a paper towel roll with a face and a beret on top.  Cause see for some reason the voice came out....... with a  French accent.      

So in the morning if you were to eavesdrop outside the bathroom window you would hear:
(Please read Z-Toad's line as if a font called    "7 Year Old Whiny Squeaky Voice  "   existed. )

Z-Toad:  Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Can't I sleep more?
Me: Go to the bathroom Zach
Z-Toad: I DON'T HAVE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Lift the toilet seat Z-Toad.
Z-Toad: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I don't need to.
Me: Z-Toad yes you do.  (turning on the faucet)
Z-Toad:  MOOOMMMM - Don't you listen to me!!!!
Me: (as Pierre the Pee-Pee with a beret):   What do you mean we don't have to go??   I have been in bed for 10 hours dood!  TEN Hours!  Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!  I have been stuck in your underwear in the dark all night!  For the love of Pete,  I have to goooooooooooo.  (by now Z-Toad is usually giggling).    Your the one that drank all the water before we went to bed.  I told you not to!   Why did you do that?  I had to hold it all night so you could sleep.   Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!!  I have to go........

By now he is laughing - and going to the bathroom.  It also effectively eliminates the grouchy Z-Toad monster.

Then one morning this image just popped into my head.  Z-Toad is out on date.......and you know things are happening and now Pierre the Pee-Pee is starting to talk to Z-toad for other reasons.  Except the end message is still the same:  Take me out!  Take me out!  

And in that moment who's voice do you think Z-Toad will hear in his head??   What memory will pop into his head?        

So to the future Mrs. Z-Toad - I apologize....... a little.


May 28, 2011

Some New Button Ideas for Facebook!

I don't have to talk to anyone - I can email, text, tweet, fb anyone my every little thought.  For those of us with a still intact FBBM (Filter Between Brain & Mouth) these tools are perfectly acceptable.   But sadly there are many who suffer from FBBM and technology for them is a drug.   If it were just a simple drug addiction they would go off into their own little world and you could ignore them but these FBBMers wield technology like a weapon and suck you into their web.

To that end (and in the interest of saving time) I am going to suggest a few buttons that FB might consider adding:

Nobody Believes Your Status Messages.  (this is for those pesky eternally happy people with their fucking perky happy messages - they are full of shit.   They are the ones of the verge of a mental break.  Mark my words in 6 months you will see them on "Dateline ID")

You Need To Up Your Meds (or Have You Been Holding Out On Me?)

Facebook is Not A Licensed Therapist.  (for those annoying shits who like to post esoteric messages - it is really just a roll call for them to see which of their friends are reading them.  "today is a dark day....... i can only hope for a better tomorrow")  Followed by 27 messages asking "What, What, What"?   Said person is no longer posting ......  You wait and look at FB - OMG - what if something happened - where could they have gone?   They have gone nowhere.   They have their eyes glued to their fb screen, hitting the refresh button, making a list of who has responded.   The rest of you will be defriended - only to be asked to be their friend again in a week.

TMI - Get a Room!  (could be renamed to:  Ewwwwwwwwwww......My Eyes..... Dear God make the visual stop!!!)

Amen. Love and Praise to HIM (I am pretty sure that God does not expect or want you to praise him for everything from "I found my car keys" to "Thank god they haven't canceled General Hospital yet")  Maybe fb could provide a little clicky "Praise Him" button and then when hit the button it would pop up somewhere on your profile "(insert name) has praised God today.  Have you?"

I SO Don't Care.   (probably applicable to 90% of all posts - although surely not any of mine)

I Pray For Everything (you don't need to ask just assume you are on the list unless otherwise explicitly noted).

Your Political Views Suck (both sides - all sides - suck - they all lie - I can poke as many holes into your beliefs as you can poke into mine.   Although my arguments will undoubtedly be more articulate than yours).

My (husband, wife, children, brother, sister, UPS guy) is Truly the Bestest Ever.   I already know it.  They already know it.  We don't feel the need to brag about it in some wall posts and make everyone else feel like shit.)

We all know your (hubby, wife, kids, sisters, brothers) and KNOW You Are Lying.

I am SO sick of reading about your friggin brats.  (this of course does not apply to me, my brats, or my fb posts about said friggin brats).  

I am just pressing this button because you are neurotic and I don't want a PM message, text, or call asking me why I didn't press this damn button!

And could we just change the LIKE button to what it truly is?

Please Click Here to Provide Me with Positive Affirmation.  Pretty Please.  Please Click Me.  PLEASE!!!  Dear God Please let someone click me before too much time has passed.   oh wait are people  just going to click like because they feel sorry for me.   But that is still okay, right?  Why does fb have to keep saying how much time has passed.   I bet it only times my posts.   Please someone.   Maybe I should post again - some sort of computer glich must have happened.   I can't believe none of my 3, 857 friends don't have time to  validate me.   The timer says I posted this a whole minute ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I will teach all of them.  Let's see type my status here:  "today is a dark day.......... i can only hope for a better tomorrow."   Now let's watch the comments roll in.........  I am SO liked.  

And every time someone hit the LIKE button your computer would say:
"Smile (insert name here).   Someone likes you at this very moment".   
But in my twisted and demented mind the voice would continue....
"Please note that (friend 47, friend 52, friend 102) have yet to hit the like button although
they have all been on facebook  for a total of 312 minutes, have seen your post, and have clicked like on 27 other wall posts."

How come no one has designed a little counter for everyone's page that tally's up the number of likes you get over your lifetime?   

Then we could have the "How To Tell If Your Friends Really Like You" Chart:

0-100:  Do I have to tell you?   Find a tall bridge.
101-499:  Having 2 really close friends is all that anyone really needs.   Really ;)
500-999:  Let me guess, always a bridesmaid, right?
1000+ :   You Are Fucking Awesome!   Your virtual world loves you!!!!   Now go feed your 67 cats.


Um- and go click like - please?

May 19, 2011

Don't Say I Give My Kids Nothing ........... Neurosis Is Something!

There is nothing worse on the news then stories about missing kids.   I am not someone who cries easily but bring on parents that are desperately looking for a lost child and I am in a puddle.

It should then come as no shock that my kids have heard their who lives - from the fetus people!! - about the evil people in the world just waiting to snatch them.   Don't trust anyone!!  They have heard the puppy scam stories.   They have been told to fight with every ounce they have in them because most times when a child is taken the outcome is tragic.   They have been told to yell, scream, punch, kick, bite, anything to make you not an easy target.   Do I think they listen?   Shit I hope so.   But they pretty much listen to nothing I say so what would make me think this would be different?

Am I neurotic?  Yes.   Do I live in a "bad" town?  Um - nope.   Do I know where the registered sex offenders live in my town?  Yes.    Two live one street over in the same house.    Is there a reason that we can't make them all live in some frozen wasteland to freeze to death?  Or if you believe the global warming idiots they can drown when it all melts.

Do I get made fun of by some relatives and friends about my neurosis?   Yes.   Do I care?  No.  They can suck it. 

Here in the Toadstool we have on the ID network most frequently.   Investigation Discovery.  It is all about true life murders and how the perp is eventually got.   It is fascinating to me.   In my next life I want to be a blood splatter analysis.   And, yes, I am HUGE Dexter fan.  I almost exclusively read detective/murder type books.

My two toads are also addicted to the station.  THEY turn to the station instead of cartoons.   There is pretty much no reason that J-Toad would EVER put down his I-pod but it always gets shut off as he gets sucked in to another story.   Do I have to explain some difficult words at times?   Yes.   Have I told them that some things need to be explained when they are older?  Most definitely.    We usually try to predict the outcome - whether or not we think they are guilty.   I have discovered that J-Toad thinks everyone is guilty and Z-Toad, sadly, may be a defense attorney (shudder).   If you are gonna have the balls to murder someone you ought to have the balls to own up to it. 

During these shows there are re-enactments.  Nothing ever too graphic - certainly nothing more than a movie you would see.   J-Toad, as fascinated as he is by the show, will always turn away pale as a ghost and wait until that part is over.   Z-Toad wants to know what make of gun, knife, etc..... that is being used.   I am like Z-Toad.

Have you ever seen those shows where they test your child by putting them in a controlled situation with a stranger to see what they would do?   It is AMAZING and frightening the number of children that will just go off with a stranger!  I always wanted to test my kids but I have now come to realize that J-Toad would probably have a heart attack on the spot.

Yesterday I asked J-Toad to go get the mail.   The distance from the house to the mailbox is not huge.  I can SEE my mailbox from the house.   I bet I could even throw a football the distance.   He asks Z-Toad to stand in the door and watch him.   I watch as he runs to the mailbox and then watch as he freaks out and runs back arms flailing back to the house. 

Me: "J-Toad is there a problem?"
J-Toad:  "Didn't you see the car coming?"
Me:  "I saw the car driving up the road."
J-Toad:  "What if they had been stalking me and waiting for me to go get the mail so they could take me?"

And with that my job is done and my neurosis has been passed to the next generation.
Your Welcome.


April 27, 2011

Why I am not concerned about my childrens safety and comfort.

I had to go into the school this am and talk to Z-Toad's teacher.  It will be 80 here today and I told the kids not to bring their jackets because the school's policy is that they wear out to recess whatever they were sent to school in.  Completely stupid.  Wouldn't want anyone to exercise reason or common sense.

I made an error in judgment last month - okay, well I didn't the weather morons got it wrong.  It was suppose to increase in temperature by the afternoon and it did not.  When the kids left school it was cool, wet, and miserable.  And - gasp - shock - they came out of school had to walk 2 whole minutes to get to the car in short sleeve shirts.  I hardly think it killed them.

Here is the thing.   I DRIVE them to school every morning and I pick them up at the end of school.   The only time they are outside is during a 20 minute recess.   I suppose you could count the 5 minutes in the am before school and the 5 minutes in the afternoon after school.   They are not on a bus - they are not waiting outside for anything - they don't have to walk 3 miles uphill in 4' deep snow.   Get it?   The teacher's know this.

So this morning Z-Toad is having a complete meltdown over not having a jacket cause he was going to loose recess.  His teacher says they have to bring a coat or they don't get recess.  Oh really?  I tell Z-Toad I am your Mom and I trump teacher every time.   Z-Toad is now sobbing "MOM"!!!! 

In the school I go to talk to Z-Toad's teacher.
Comments in red are what I should have said.

Me: Hi.  I just wanted to let you know that Z-Toad does not have a jacket today.  He seems to think he will lose his recess.
Teacher:  Oh no.  That is fine for today.   It was that other time when it was like 30 out and he didn't have a coat.  That day there was an issue.
Me: Bitch - L E T     I  T      G O    Well yes that was my error.  The weather was not suppose to get that bad.   Although it was not 30 degrees that morning.
Teacher:  You realize as his teacher I am concerned for his safety and comfort.
Me: Whew!!!!  I can just take that off my parenting "things to do" list if you have that covered.  Perhaps you should be more concerned about 2 brats kids playing "Tackle Zachary" at recess resulting in him getting a big huge bruise on his forehead.   Well as his mom I think I can decide whether or not he needs a jacket.
Teacher:  We are just concerned for the kids.
MeApparently listening is not a high priority for the superior parent/teacher.   Again I am perfectly capable of deciding what my children should wear on any given day.   My older toad has an issue where he doesn't sweat.  When he gets overheated he turns pale, feels like he is going to vomit, and gets a headache.   He physically doesn't sweat.   The doctors still haven't been able to figure out why.   But since he was born - he does not sleep with covers.  Ever.  30 degrees below zero - no covers.  As his mom I always want to make sure that all the teachers are aware so that nothing more drastic happens to him.   So I am very sensitive to the "safety and comfort" of my children.
Teacher: Is the lack of sweat due to him being dehydrated?  Maybe he just needs more liquids?
Me: Holy Shit you are a pediatrician too?   Wow you is wicked smart.  I will let the doctors know that you have solved this medical mystery that has plagued them for 8 years in like 30 seconds.  And without seeing his medical history or even a physical exam!!!!    Well I am sure the doctors at Children's Hospital have looked at that in conjunction with the battery of other tests they have run.  But as I have said they are still not sure why he doesn't sweat "normal".   All I am told is that if he starts feeling sick and is uncomfortable that he needs to move out of the heat.

All this over a stupid jacket.  
Maybe tomorrow I will send him in a bathing suit ;)


April 10, 2011


Z-Toad is 7.5 and the next 11.5 years for him and I are going to be a ride.
Buckle Up!!   I think it is gonna get a wee bit bumpy.
He is essentially me in male form (that statement alone should make you shudder).
He is pretty much a fun kid to be around - tells crazy stories - and has a wicked sense of humor.
Oh - and surprise - he is somewhat sarcastic. 
I have absolutely no idea where he gets it from :)
And Yes - I consider that a positive trait - most days it is the only thing between myself and the men with the white coats.

As of late Z-Toad has been a tad bit, um, difficult.  That he gets from his father.

When I pick the toads up from school I sometimes chat with the other mom's about the stupidity amazing school they attend and all the completely ridiulous relevant projects they must complete.
I expect the toads to behave while I chat and at the very least follow the school rules as if they were actually still in school being watched by their teachers.  This is where I am naive. 

Z-Toad has informed me that he can only be "good" for so many hours and he uses that all up at school because he is afraid of going to the principals office.  And, evidently, he is NOT afraid of me.

I told the toads that from now on when I picked them up they are NOT to go off of the tar (which is the school rule).  If they did not behave they would lose their computer. 
This rule had to be amended to "anything that plugs in at some point in its life to be active" or I had to go through.
"So I can use my DS?"
"So I can use my IPhone?"
"I can use your IPhone?"
"The Wii?"
"The X-Box?"
No.   You can use the Playstation.
"Mom we don't have a playstation"
"Really?  That is too bad cause that is the one thing you are NOT grounded from."  
Ha!  Damn I am good I think.  I got my 7 year old.
Do not judge - some days it is all about the little victories!

Fast Forward to the very next day and Surpise! Z-Toad has lost all his electronic stuff.   J-Toad was extremely well behaved cause I am pretty sure that he himself requires recharging.

Of course now that Z-Toad had lost access to all that is holy in his life he had nothing left to lose and out came his wild self.
I upped the punishment to "If you don't behave now you can not go to L-Toad's house tomorrow."   He has been waiting F O R E V E R to be invited over.  
Apparently I signed up for the I take your kid 5 times and you take mine Once In A Friggin' Blue Moon Program.   That would get him to behave for sure I thought!

Z-Toad decides to tempt fate - and my hand - by walking a pretend tightrope at the very edge of the tar.   And then Oops! He lost is balance and took a few steps into the punishment zone.  Not once but like 7 times.
Did anyone see that coming?
"Sorry, Mom, but it doesn't count cause I lost my balance."
Oh yes, yes it did count and now you are not going over L-Toad's house (damnit damnit damnit - now I want to cry!) I say as I wrap my hand around his wrist in a totally lovingly and in no way cutting off his circulation manner.
"Mom, mom, your gonna make my hand fall off, you are holding it too tight"

Then the funniest thing happened but I lost my balance cause I was walking on very edge of the tar and my fingernails somehow dug into his wrist.   Huh.  Go figure.
"Ow, Ow, Ow, Mom!!!"
"Sorry, Z-Toad, but it doesn't count I lost my balance."
He looks at me.  I look at him
"What?" I say with my best innocent look and arched eyebrow.
And that is a WIN for Mom!!!   So off I go in my delusional victory.

On the way home he informs me that it is his teacher's birthday tomorrow and can we make cupcakes. Considering he can use all the brownie points he can get, I agree to stop at the store on the way home.

Flash forward to the 3 of us standing in line to checkout with:
Cake Mix

I have not let go of his wrist in the market either - cause between no electronics and no L-Toad visit - he is a hurricane just waiting to be unleashed.

It is almost our turn........

Z-Toad says:
"Mom"  then looks at the cake mix and frosting.
"Didn't you say you were going on a DIET?"
For a moment I contemplated squeezing his hand even tighter although I wasn't sure I had that much strength left.   I even thought that he possibly said that completely innocently until I looked down at him and he looked up at me and said:

"What?" with the innocent face and arched eyebrow.


March 29, 2011

Selective Hearing......

My business involves traveling to different locations.  We unload our product, set up for a few days, and then the whole thing in reverse.   Hopefully the reverse process takes much less time as we are loading empty crates to take back.

When a show is local I can sometimes get  hubby to go setup for me.  
Just Stop.
Save all of your "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww - what a nice guy" comments. 
There is always a motive!!! 
A L W A Y S!!!!
He does this because my back is old and likes to kink up which can render me bed ridden.
And thus promotes him to Mr. Mom. 
A role that he does not like.   
If given the choice between doing a show or staying home with J-Toad & Z-Toad he picks the road.
In all fairness on most days the show is much less stressful :)
I mean that with much LOVE for the toads!
Just in case you read this and think you can use it in therapy.

Once I arrive at the show the organizer Cris says "Boy is your husband whipped." 
Well - ahem - yes...........
Damn - Did those pictures get out onto the internet?!?

Oh thats not what you meant?  {{blush..}}

Flash back to the evening before......
The tv is on in the background. 
Probably with a movie Mr. Toad has seen 27 times.

Me: Can you give Cris (the show organizer) a message when you get there?
Mr. Toad:  What?
Me: I will be there tomorrow morning (Friday) but I have to leave to get the kids from school at 2. I will be there all day/night on Saturday.
Mr. Toad:  (vaguely nods - a think I see a partial flicker in his eyes)
Me: Did you hear me?
Mr. Toad:  (exasperated WITH an eye roll - and he says he can't multi-task!!) Yes.
Me: What are you suppose to tell Cris?
Mr. Toad: Who is Cris?
Me: {{Bitch face}}
Mr. Toad: What?
Me: {{still bitch face trying to figure out if thinks he is being funny}}
Me: {{nope - not joking - OMFG}}  Are you serious??
Mr. Toad: What?  Are you going to stop talking so I can leave?
Me: What did I say?
Mr. Toad: To take the stuff to the show.  Where is the show again?

I end up writing a note with what I wanted to Mr. Toad to tell her.  My INTENTION was that he would look at the note and then remember what to say to her.   I was not C L E A R.    He physically hands the note to Cris.  Cris says to him "Does she want me to sign this and give it back to you?"   ROFLMAO.  

So you can imagine my shock......
The TV surround sound on ten, the kids screaming, the phone ringing, while wearing his headphones, Mr. Toad can hear me whisper 2 floors away standing next to the running washing machine.......
"You wanna have sex tonight?"


March 9, 2011

NOT a Mommy Blog - This Time!

People tell me everything.

And not because we are lifelong friends.
Just because.
They may know me 5 minutes and I can pretty much tell you their life history or some secret they have been keeping.
I meet a LOT of women.
Many many many women.
It is always the same - someone inexplicably tells me something.
It happens at scrapbooking shows.
It happens at the boys school.
It happens at flippin' Walmart!
Men, women, the old, the young just start yapping to me.

My family thinks this is funny.
Why? Cause they know me:
I am a "Suck it up" kind of girl.
"Shit or get off the pot."
I am not by nature a hugger.
I am not a kiss kiss on the cheek kind of gal.
If there was a squirrel struggling on the side of the road for life.
I would run it over again (put it out of its misery).
I would NOT get out - pick it up - and nurse it back to life.
But strangers don't seem to get that.

I always thought I had a kickass "Bitch, what?" face.
I thought I had it mastered.
But now I think, sadly, it may defective.
I was considering making myself a t-shirt.
"I don't care."
"No, really I don't want to know."
"This means you."
"Yes, you, who doesn't think it is you."
"Walk away."

So I guess it should come as no surprise when I tell you about some other experiences I have had.....

I used to have a real job. You know 40 hours + per week where someone actually handed me a physical paycheck. During this time I started to commute with a co-worker. It made sense as it was a LONG drive. He worked for one of my peers.

He was um, odd, lets just say. Highly intelligent. Socially inept.
He didn't like most people. Except me (read above paragraphs - it is a gift).
During this 120 minute commute per day we would chat. Ahem. About stuff.
I was actually getting compliments from HIS coworkers during this time that I was making him more bearable.

One day on the way home from work - my fate sealed in my ability to charm information from any source - he informs me that he and his wife (yes he is married) are swingers.
My first thought was to look for a camera - or Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the car next to us. Cause I am sure I am being punked.

WTF??? Are you kidding me?
Nope. Dear God. He is not.
And now visual images are racing thru my mind at light speed.
Please for all that is holy - someone make the images stop!!
Now you might be wondering why said car-mate was confessing such a secret.
I would also like to tell you that I did NOT divulge any of this information to my fellow co-workers. Well I did years and years later after we had all left.
But I say I get an A+ for keeping the mother of all secrets for soooooooooo long.

Why would a coworker reveal such a secret?

I have no recollection as to what I said. I just know that I was eternally thankful that it was my day to drive.
My hands firmly grasped the wheel.
My eyes focused on the road ahead.
Desperately trying to not bust a gut laughing.
Constructing lists as to who to tell first when I got to work.
Further debating myself why it would be morally wrong to tell my coworkers.

He says: I am telling you this cause I find you attractive.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
He says: And we would like to get together with you.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Holy Shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: We started swinging because I am so LARGE that it physically hurts the wife to have sex with me.
My thought bubble: How large are you?!?! And still Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: So I always feel bad having intercourse with the wife cause it hurts her. We swing so that she can have sex she can enjoy and I don't have to worry about her being in pain or causing her pain.

My thought bubble:
What? Wait. You are SO large that you physically hurt your wife but you want me cause you don't think you would hurt me? Cause I look like I could handle your ginormous member? What on earth would make you think that???? And wait - your wife wants to be with my hubby - cause you both think he is not well endowed?

What the fuck?! Get out of my car!!!!

Okay - that is not the end result. I politely turned him down and over the next few months got out of carpooling. I was a putting other lives in danger carpooling with Mr. Swinger. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult to drive and not sneak a peak to see if he had this LARGE member strapped to his leg. Such a monster should be visible thru jeans, no?

Least you think this is an "odd" occurrence in my life, I have since been approached by 2 other couples at various points in my life. Told that they swing and would like to get together.

People just like me. Blech.


January 31, 2011

New England and it is .................snowing................ AGAIN!

You all know who Ron White is, yes?   He is a comic genius - I love him. 
He drinks, smokes, swears on stage and is about as funny as you can get.
His favorite saying is "You can't fix stupid." 
No, Ron, you can't.
You can make fun of it, poke it in the eye, and swear at it.
And I, Ron White, can blog about it.

I first heard the word "clusterfuck" awhile ago and could not think of any event that I would categorize as so.  But then the snow came....... and came........ and came....... and it keeps coming.  And in the midst of all the white I have discovered the definition of clusterfuck.

Clusterfuck I - It is a parking lot in Worcester, Massachusetts. 
It is the parking lot in which I need to drop off my toads for school.
It is the B A N E of my existence.
One Hugely Ginormous Clusterfuck.

I have included my artistic rendition of the parking lot for you to reference.   The swirly patterns represents the mounds and mounds of snow.  The normal path of entry begins in the lower right hand corner and then you just follow the arrows.   Up the street -  (a) a left up a little hill into the actual lot.  There you can either take a right and (b) go behind the school to the other parking lot (i.e. Clusterfuck part deux).  Or you can go left making your way around the U of parked cars - stopping to drop kick the toads out of your vehicle - and then it is back out the way you came.    It seems rudimentary, no?    Ah, not so quick, my friends, this is New England where we have SNOW.  
Mix a little of the genius that is Ron White and voila - Clusterfuck I is born.

In the interest of full disclosure the toads attend a school in another town.
Yes - it was my choice.  
Yes - I love their school.  
No - I was not aware that I would be swimming in the shallow end of the pool when it came to the parking.  
And Yes (sadly) I in essence pay for admission to Clusterfuck I.  

  • The side street that you first turn onto has tons of snow banks and yet cars still park along them making this road essentially one lane.   So you sometimes have to wait for people to come down so you can get up.   But if you are a complete asshole you decide to try to go around me cause I have obviously stopped in the middle of the road for the sole purpose of pissing you off.  That is to the jackass of this morning.
  • When you take your left up into the driveway it is vastly important that you start making this turn at least 400 feet from the actual turn cause ya know the street isn't narrow enough.   Did ANYONE pay attention in driving school or geometry??  LEFT-HAND turns are suppose to be squared - not diagonal!!! 
  • Make sure your tires are completely bald and useless so that you are not able to get up the little hill to get into the driveway.  But you will try..... and try...... and try.   Like the fly that continuously flys into glass.   We all know that the 27th time is the sweet spot.  It is okay - the rest of us will wait.
  • All drivers should be 6" or LESS away from the person they are in front of to ensure that everyone can be included in an accident.  Cause we are all about inclusivity.
  • Once into the lot - you can choose to take your bald ass car up another hill and try to get around the back of the school.  NOTE:  When you don't make it up - the first time - it is imperative that you back up (keeping your car still on the hill) - and make the attempt at least 4-5 more times to ensure that traffic is sufficiently backed up.
  • Have you decided to go around the U?   Great.  Stop toward the front of the school and have your kids get out.   Preferably in under 10 mins.   I know I shouldn't expect them to be fully dressed, or have their back packs in order, or that you couldn't have finished your conversation in your drive to the school BUT could we try?   Many many thanks - so sorry to inconvenience you.

RECENT EVENTS that led to the official designation of the Clusterfuck term:

I dropped the kids off in the U and proceeded to come around to take my right down the little driveway and then another right back onto the side street.   I came around to find a cadallic trying unsuccessfully to get up the little road behind the school.   There is now a backup of cars trying to get into the lot off of the side road.   There is a car parked in the very last spot head first in front of a snow bank making it close to impossible to make the right turn but I'm gonna try.   Oh - not so fast...... NOW the person behind the first person waiting for the cadallic to get up the hill comes AROUND them into what would be my exit lane.   And we all know what sheep do right?  Yes - that is right the sheep of cars behind that one FOLLOW.  So now there are effectively 2 rows of cars coming IN to the lot.   For all you math genius' - that means there is NO exit lane. ONE smart person has stopped on their way into the parking lot from the street so there is a narrow opening BUT the woman parked in the last spot (C) needs to leave as the path is thru her spot.  She has been in her car (on her cell) since I pulled in to the lot.  Then I see a light from heaven her back up lights come on.   Notice where her car is (C on the diagram).  If there was no snow she could drive straight down over the sidewalk.  So she barely needs to back up.

And we wait.
And wait.
Can you hear the horns?
And we wait.

I now happily (gritting my teeth can so look like a smile) get out of my car and gently (strictly a matter of interpretation)  tap on her window.   I politely ask her if she plans on backing up. 
"You are blocking me." she says.
I, looking at 10' of space behind her, sweetly (thru my gritted teeth) inform her that she has plenty of room.
"I don't want to hit you." she says.
Really?   Funny that was my thought to.  Huh.
I assure her that I will not let that happen. 

It takes her approx. 3.5 sec to backup and have enough room to get around the snow bank and out of the driveway.    Her and I drive down the side road sideways up on the snowbank as the rest of the incoming traffic has formed an impromptu Car Cha-Cha Dance.  You do know when their is a traffic jam that you are suppose to get as close as possible to the car in front of you, right??  That is to allow more cars into the traffic jam which increases everyone's enjoyment exponentially.

And then TODAY we all got to BACK UP around the U ....... WHILE people were still trying to come in to drop off their kids because 2 cars decided to park in spots D & E (see map - the lower right hand side of the parking lot) so no one had room to get all the way around the U.

Do you doubt now that this is a ginormous Clusterfuck?

I posted on Facebook the other day something like:
"This is New England folks ~ we get snow ~ it should not take me 80 minutes to go 15 miles."

The traffic was GRIDLOCKED.   It took someone else from my town THREE hours to go 12 miles (on Route 9 - a main road that runs the width of the state).    Is that reasonable??    Don't tell me that 3 hours or 3X a normal commute is reasonable when the roads are a little slippery.  It is not.   Not here.   It is a handful of folks on the road that create an utter clusterfuck for the rest of us.   No - you can't do the speed limit but I shouldn't be able to walk faster than you are driving.

So in an effort to save my sanity I have devised a test to determine if one should drive in snow:

If you agree with any of these statements then stay the hell OFF the roads when it snows:

a) OMG!! - New England is so pretty - and it snows here!  I have NEVER seen snow.
b) I am scared to drive in that white stuff!  People are going more than 10MPH that can't be safe!
c) Snow tires?   Honey I don't change my tires until they blow out.  
d) My car gets great gas mileage - it is really really small, close to the ground, and super light.  The manufacturer recommends that it not be driven if winds will exceed 10 knots....... or up really big hills.  Oh wait - in small print it says "not good for snow........ or rain....... drive only when sunny".   Huh.  

Oh wait - how about a SNOW DRIVING COURSE / TEST?

Nah - that's not gonna work.  



Hugs (and patience) ~

January 14, 2011

2 Views on Priceless

My boys are only 27 months apart but sometimes that seems like a lifetime. 

They are very different physically.  I have been asked on several occasions
"Do they have the same father?"
To which I respond in a whisper "I think so."  Then I give the  idiot person a look that says "this is just between you and me" and walk away.

Their personalities are just as diverse.....

After I told them that Nana broke her wrist: 
J-Toad - "Can I get back on my computer now?"
Z-Toad  - "Can we go see her so I can give her a hug?"
*Once we were at Nana's house Z-Toad put his hand on her cast and blessed her (doing the sign of the cross).*

When I ran over a squirrel:
J-Toad - "You should run it over again."
Z-Toad - "Shouldn't you go back and take it to the vegetarian?"

After they are punished (this occurs right after my head spins around):
J-Toad -  Um - Nothing - he usually sends in his brother to suck up make nice with me.
Z-Toad - "Mom, I love you big whole bunches."

After we dropped off toys to a house that supports kids with cancer:
J-Toad - "Can we catch it now?"
Z-Toad - "Do you think we could go back and I could play with some of the sick kids?"

When I say to them "Look at me when I talk to you":
J-Toad:   ROLLS his eyes until I swear they are looking out the back of his head.
Z-Toad:  "I am looking at you my beautiful mother."

Before Christmas, the boys school holds another event to suck in money the Christmas Fair.  The kids are encouraged to bring in money and purchase presents for family members.   I, as the parent, can send in a list of people they should buy for and how much money should be spent on each item.   Items range from .50 to $5.00.   I sent them both in with $5 and told them they could figure it out. 

J-Toad: Came home with 20 candy canes (.25 each) for himself.   And a bell on a ribbon around his neck that he made in class. 
Z-Toad: Came home with a present for J-Toad and TWO presents for me.  He was beside himself and begged me everyday to just open his presents.

So when Christmas Day came,  Z-Toad looked like he would internally combust if I did not open his gifts first.   And - TADA!!!! - here it is.   Z-Toad made sure to point out that both are in my favorite color!   

I know you all be hating on me - jealous bitches - all this for just $3 - who is stylin' now?? 
The ring is perfect for any finger as it comes complete with a pinch clasp!

Yes - I wore them all day.
Yes - My finger and ears turned green also.  But it is my favorite color so WIN!
Yes - Zachary lifted my hair most of the day - even suggested a haircut - to see the earrings.

J-Toad feeling somewhat guilty for not purchasing anything for anyone gave me this card:

Can someone tell me why my Christmas Card looks like a One-Armed Demon Valentine with Antennas?
Inside the card was the bell on the ribbon that he made in class.  
The item that cost him $0.
Technically making his Christmas present to me also

Happy 2011!