March 9, 2011

NOT a Mommy Blog - This Time!

People tell me everything.

And not because we are lifelong friends.
Just because.
They may know me 5 minutes and I can pretty much tell you their life history or some secret they have been keeping.
I meet a LOT of women.
Many many many women.
It is always the same - someone inexplicably tells me something.
It happens at scrapbooking shows.
It happens at the boys school.
It happens at flippin' Walmart!
Men, women, the old, the young just start yapping to me.

My family thinks this is funny.
Why? Cause they know me:
I am a "Suck it up" kind of girl.
"Shit or get off the pot."
I am not by nature a hugger.
I am not a kiss kiss on the cheek kind of gal.
If there was a squirrel struggling on the side of the road for life.
I would run it over again (put it out of its misery).
I would NOT get out - pick it up - and nurse it back to life.
But strangers don't seem to get that.

I always thought I had a kickass "Bitch, what?" face.
I thought I had it mastered.
But now I think, sadly, it may defective.
I was considering making myself a t-shirt.
"I don't care."
"No, really I don't want to know."
"This means you."
"Yes, you, who doesn't think it is you."
"Walk away."

So I guess it should come as no surprise when I tell you about some other experiences I have had.....

I used to have a real job. You know 40 hours + per week where someone actually handed me a physical paycheck. During this time I started to commute with a co-worker. It made sense as it was a LONG drive. He worked for one of my peers.

He was um, odd, lets just say. Highly intelligent. Socially inept.
He didn't like most people. Except me (read above paragraphs - it is a gift).
During this 120 minute commute per day we would chat. Ahem. About stuff.
I was actually getting compliments from HIS coworkers during this time that I was making him more bearable.

One day on the way home from work - my fate sealed in my ability to charm information from any source - he informs me that he and his wife (yes he is married) are swingers.
My first thought was to look for a camera - or Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the car next to us. Cause I am sure I am being punked.

WTF??? Are you kidding me?
Nope. Dear God. He is not.
And now visual images are racing thru my mind at light speed.
Please for all that is holy - someone make the images stop!!
Now you might be wondering why said car-mate was confessing such a secret.
I would also like to tell you that I did NOT divulge any of this information to my fellow co-workers. Well I did years and years later after we had all left.
But I say I get an A+ for keeping the mother of all secrets for soooooooooo long.

Why would a coworker reveal such a secret?

I have no recollection as to what I said. I just know that I was eternally thankful that it was my day to drive.
My hands firmly grasped the wheel.
My eyes focused on the road ahead.
Desperately trying to not bust a gut laughing.
Constructing lists as to who to tell first when I got to work.
Further debating myself why it would be morally wrong to tell my coworkers.

He says: I am telling you this cause I find you attractive.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
He says: And we would like to get together with you.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Holy Shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: We started swinging because I am so LARGE that it physically hurts the wife to have sex with me.
My thought bubble: How large are you?!?! And still Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: So I always feel bad having intercourse with the wife cause it hurts her. We swing so that she can have sex she can enjoy and I don't have to worry about her being in pain or causing her pain.

My thought bubble:
What? Wait. You are SO large that you physically hurt your wife but you want me cause you don't think you would hurt me? Cause I look like I could handle your ginormous member? What on earth would make you think that???? And wait - your wife wants to be with my hubby - cause you both think he is not well endowed?

What the fuck?! Get out of my car!!!!

Okay - that is not the end result. I politely turned him down and over the next few months got out of carpooling. I was a putting other lives in danger carpooling with Mr. Swinger. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult to drive and not sneak a peak to see if he had this LARGE member strapped to his leg. Such a monster should be visible thru jeans, no?

Least you think this is an "odd" occurrence in my life, I have since been approached by 2 other couples at various points in my life. Told that they swing and would like to get together.

People just like me. Blech.



vixen kitten said...

You know what I've found. Men who are swingers ALWAYS think their dicks are far bigger than they really are. They also usually think they are better in bed than they actually are.

How do I know this. A certain swinger from blogland use to send me (unrequested on my part) photos of his mini me. And when I say mini...well, let's just say I'm being generous! As for the action part...let's just say the gossip can fly in private blogs!

Now, that being said, I can't blame them for wanting your happy sexy ass!

Good to see you back!


PS...I've heard you scrappers are all super freaks! *giggle*

Anonymous said...

Of course I don't hear about these offers till years later.

- Mr Toad

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaha!!!! How I've missed your blog...let me count the ways. Not really because my brain isn't working properly this am but you know what I mean.

PS I'm cracking up at Mr. Toad's comment, too.

Barbara said...

OMG! Tracie - it takes BOOBS (instead of balls because we don't have those) to be so honest. This is hysterical!!!!!!! See you soon - Barb

Anonymous said...

I have the same problem with my enormous perfect cock.

The Empress said..., 2 other offers?


Think hard.

Is there SOMETHING you might have said that they twisted around and then passed your name around.

Like, " I like tacos" or somethign??

From Tracie said...

The fact that you made it through that car ride....might just be some kind of verifiable miracle.

Maybe you just need to get a shirt that says, "I don't swing....go find another playground" or something like that.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Ms. Wasteland sent me over and I just your blog. Oh goodness I may have tried hoping out of the moving vehicle ... lol :)

I'm your newest follower :)

BluEyedBader said...

I think some men in general always think they are large, especially when they tell someone about it. It is usually the quiet ones that are the ones to watch out for.

The ones that know do not have to boast about it.

That is an interesting story... am glad that I stopped by today, even though I was a little late.

Grimmgirl said...

Well, Traci -- If you look anything like your Fluffy Fairy gal, can you blame them?

Tracie said...

@ GrimmGirl - Yes that is EXACTLY what I look like. LOL

If I looked like that I would so be flaunting my sexy ass all over a stripper pole - or maybe something classier like a burlesque show ;)