December 23, 2010

Christmas Presents from School

Z-Toad (1st Grade):
Z-Toad's class all mailed home Christmas Cards.   The card is entitled My Wish For You.
Z-Toad wrote:
I wish my Mom and Dad good luck (um, sure, we could use that!).  I wish Mom to Not to wev (a statement designed purely to guilt me!  He doesn't mind me leaving as long as he gets to come).   Yes or No  ( I guess I am suppose to circle and return)?   So we can b a famay (I guess it does not count as a family if the mom leaves ever as Daddy goes to work everyday and that doesn't seem to be a problem.).

J-Toad (3rd Grade):
J-Toad's class built little mini houses and they had to write about their house.
J-Toad wrote:

The House  Rated PG 13  (I am not sure what to be concerned about - That J-Toad thinks his life is a movie or that our house is not okay for those under 13 without parental supervision??)
I like my house alot (great so does the bank).  I like my house alot because of the computer room and the computer (good to know that us breathing humans are such an integral part of your life).
I like my computer because I get to play World of Warcraft, Roblox, and FusionFall.  Plus I get to sit in my epic computer chair so soft (the word "epic" will soon be banned in this house).   I also like my yard outside.  My yard is huge  (no it is not - under 1/2 acre) and it has climbing dome on it (that you have been on twice).  We also have a shed that has the lawnmower, some toys, rats (also not true - they are little field mice), and posters so it is a mess.  We also love when Mom makes something Z-Toad and I like to call brownies (they are in fact brownies - this is not some code word for something else).  Brownies are the rich chocalaty taste you'll never outgrow (perhaps a marketing future?).  Then in the computer room we have our epic Christmas tree with a ton of lights (out of the box with preinstalled lights - I must agree this invention is EPIC!).   I have 10 presents and Z-Toad has 9 because his are larger than mine (A fact that J-Toad has felt the need to point on daily to Z-Toad.  In fact, Mommy lost count and refused to do anymore shopping).  Our Christmas tree is in the basement so Dad has to get it out of there in the dark cold basement of DOOM (the basement is 1/2 finished and as far as I know nothing doom-worthy has ever occurred).  In our bedroom we have bunk beds that are so totally epic (J-Toad's bed is close to the ceiling fan so he must duck and dodge the spinning fins - a real life video game).   I have a DS that broke but I'm going to get me a DSI xl bundle hopefully (Ho Ho Ho!).  My favorite food is meatloaf but mom doesn't make it much anymore and Zachary's super glad! (guilty - I have not made it in ages cause I am old and get tired of arguing with Z-Toad to eat his dinner).  I like this story because it is so totally epic (yes, J-Toad, it is totally wicked radical, man).

December 17, 2010

More Gems from Z-Toad.....

On the way home from school Z-Toad told me that he wanted me to have a baby.   He said it was because he wanted to have a baby sister.
I think my 44 year old body collectively shuddered at the thought.
Z-Toad said "Mom, God wants you to have another baby."  

Who the hell thought it was a good idea to send these children to Catholic school?  Seriously $600 per month for sex education??   I swear if he starts quoting "go forth and multiply...."

How was I going to tell him that God had already let me know that I was in fact done?  See once you start getting gray hair um, not on your head, that is officially God's way of sticking a fork in you. 

And more stretch marks?  One can already map out most of the US highway systems on my belly.  Who the hell needs a Tom-Tom when we have Roadmap Mama!   She talks, does laundry, makes dinner, nags, bitches, and comes complete with her own map.   Never get lost again!

And then the conversation continued:

J-Toad:  "No - we don't want anymore kids - that would mean less for us." 
     Yeah I know I should have done the mom speech about sharing but I didn't.  Instead 
Me: That's right Z-Toad - you would get less presents at Christmas.  Babies cost a lot of money and a baby would take a lot of my time.  Which would take more time away from you.
      I'm taking the express train to hell.   Toot - Toot.  All Aboard.

Z-Toad: "All you have to do is kiss Daddy."
     Damn - you mean I didn't have to do all that other stuff?  Wait until I see your father.

J-Toad: "No Z-Toad it is more complicated than that."
Z-Toad: "Oh, yeah, Mom you have to have S-E-X, right?"
   Hold up - I spend hours and hours spelling trick words with this little shit and he still can't friggin   spell AS without tapping it out - but SEX he can spell?!?
J-Toad: "You don't even know what sex is, Z-Toad"
Z-Toad: "Yes I do"
   OH. DEAR. GOD.  I'm a good person - okay well I could be worse.  Anyway,  I don't usually ask for anything but do you think it would be too much to whip up a tornado?   Maybe a sudden hail storm?   How about some locusts and frogs?  Can't you do that?  Anything that will distract this conversation...... Please..... 

Z-Toad: "It is when you get naked and get on top of one another."
   I think I am hyperventilating.  Maybe if I pretend pass out and make like we are going to crash?
Z-Toad: "And then you touch pee-pee's"
   WHAT?????   Holy Shit.   How?  What?  Am I still driving?   Seriously what am I being punished for?
Z-Toad: "Is that close, Mom?"
   Mom???  Who the hell is he talking too?   Oh Yeah me.  Shit.  Seven - he is 7 - this is not the time for that talk, um, right?   Well shit I am 44 and this is SO not the right time for me.   Um............. 

J-Toad:  "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross."
   And ding ding we have a winner....     Goooooooooooooooooooooooo J-Toad!!!   Way to come in and rescue the day.  
Z-Toad:  "I know I know - I was just joking."

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!