tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57009786978211649392024-02-02T10:08:50.356-05:00Fluffy Goddessville ...and the ToadsTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-20157840479885839972013-10-30T17:07:00.002-04:002013-10-30T17:07:55.660-04:00Spinning....... From Inside My MindC'mon Take A Spin Class...... You'll Love It!!!<br />
These people are not your friends.<br />
Run Away!<br />
<br />
Welcome to my thoughts during spin.......<br />
<br />
Start Time: 6:00PM - 45 minutes long<br />
We are SO going to do this!!!<br />
Bring it on :D<br />
Okay lets get my bike setup away from the mirror. <br />
Good lord who wants to watch yourself?<br />
Shit did I wear the right bra for this?<br />
Let's get the furthest away from the instructor.<br />
Should I get behind the pole so I can't see the clock?<br />
No - better to see how much longer.<br />
Wait - if I put my bike here I can see the clock and outside.<br />
Fantastic for my ADD!<br />
Maybe something shiny will go by! <br />
<br />
Let's look over the bike....<br />
Set everything to short.<br />
Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy<br />
Get my water.<br />
Hair up.<br />
Holy Shit - these chicks have special ass spinning shoes!!!<br />
Gulp. I think I am in over my head.<br />
There is a goddamn emergency switch on the bike?<br />
WTH? Where is it going to go?<br />
I could so still leave.<br />
A family emergency.<br />
Why can't I will my cell phone to ring?<br />
Not a big emergency - maybe just an appendix burst?<br />
For Jake not Zach.<br />
Zach is a way bigger baby when he is sick.<br />
<br />
Here is the instructor.<br />
Oh she seems happy.<br />"Perky" even.<br />
Ugh.....<br />
Wait.<br />
I don't do perky :(<br />
She looks like she has a lot of energy.<br />
Confirmed.<br />
We were just informed she has been looking forward to class all week.<br />
Swell.<br />
<br />
This will be one of the toughest classes she has taught.<br />
Well color me fucking happy.<br />
Find a comfortable resistance level.<br />
For right now? Or 30 minutes from now when I will surely be dead?<br />
Should I start off a little on the easy side so I can build up?<br />
Why did I come today?<br />
<br />
Race it out.<br />
Damn look at my legs flying......<br />
You go girl!<br />
HUH - hey wait look at everyone else's legs.<br />
Girl - you look like you are not even peddling.<br />
Peddle!<br />
Really that is all you got?!<br />You are embarrassing yourself!<br />
Quick now - keep up - no slacking!!!!<br />
Shit!<br />
Go go go<br />
Wait wait wait<br />Heart going to explode.<br />
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.<br />
<br />
<br />
Turn the resistance up?<br />
Hmmmmmm<br />
I want to work hard so let's crank this sucker up!<br />
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHh<br />
Too much!<br />
Too much!!<br />
Turn the crank the other way!!!<br />
The OTHER fucking way.<br />
OMG - I think I damaged something.<br />
No seriously I think I ripped a muscle.<br />
If I hit the emergency button does a hot EMT man show up??<br />
Now that would be sweet....<br />
One that looks like Hugh Jackman.<br />
What was that movie that he was close to naked in?<br />
Ummmmmmmmmm.......<br />
Oh shit - wait what are we doing now??<br />
<br />
Okay..... okay.......<br />
A nice and steady pace.<br />
Don't look at anyone else.<br />
Don't compare.<br />
You are only competing against yourself.<br />
blah blah fucking blah<br />
Really?<br />
How the fuck to they move their legs that fast???<br />
It is not humanely possible.<br />
<br />
Turn it up again??<br />
LOL - yeah I'm not falling for that again.<br />
You all are just reaching down and pretending right?<br />
Who the hell would know?<br />
That's right reach down hand on the crank.<br />
Smile - pretend to turn that crank.<br />
I got it.<br />
Won't fool me again.<br />
Wait wait look at me.<br />
I'm reaching down and turning it again.<br />
Cause I'm just that tough.<br />Ha!<br />
<br />
Wait - we are standing up??<br />
Seriously??<br />
Shit - I need more resistance then :(<br />
Reach down - okay there we go.<br />
I got it.<br />
Sit down now.<br />
But I just got up!!!<br />
Keep peddling.<br />
Don't touch the resistance.<br />
But its H A R D now.............<br />
Wwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh<br />
I want my mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1<br />
Peddle it out.<br />
You can do it!!!<br />
Yeah - well my legs are screaming Fuck No!<br />
Jesus - is this song like 27 minutes long??<br />
This song is so coming off my i-pod as soon as class is over.<br />
I hate Michael fucking Jackson.<br />
Seriously is this like medley of all his fucking hits??<br />
<br />
Rolling Hills?<br />
Oh Geesh.....<br />Up off the seat<br />
Down in the seat<br />
Up off the seat<br />
Down in the seat<br />
How the hell do they do it all in unison?<br />
Friggin' Stepford Spinners.<br />
<br />
Time to Isolate!!!<br />
That sounds good right?<br />
Slow?<br />
Oh thank you sweet Jesus<br />
Slow I can do<br />
Huh? Do what?<br />
Hover my ass over my seat<br />
Peddle Slow.<br />
Do NOT use your arms.<br />
Why cause you want me to fall the fuck off?<br />
You need to I S O L A T E so your legs will SCREAM at you to stop.<br />
I think mine are sobbing.<br />
They are curled up in a ball rocking somewhere in a quiet dark place.<br />
<br />
More Hills.....<br />
Not the rolling ones.<br />
Thank you god!<br />
Just ONE FRIGGIN BIG ASS MOTHER FUCKIN' 4 MINUTE one.<br />
Will the joy ever stop??<br />
Climb it out girls!!!<br />
How is everyone feeling?<br />
She only asks cause she knows no one can talk and do this shit.<br />
<br />
Why is my ass sore??<br />
I have MORE than enough junk in my trunk for cushion.<br />
How is this possible?<br />
With my ass I should excel at this activity!<br />
<br />
Wait - I think she said slow down...<br />
Are we done??<br />
The clock..... look at the clock.<br />
That has to be it.<br />
OMG - I made it :D<br />
6:15<br />
Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?!<br />
<br />
So when is the next class?<br />
<br />
LOL...... So that was pretty much me the first time (and possibly a bunch of times after) but I keep going back cause in some sick twisted way I enjoy it!!! <br />
And I really do move the resistance dial - all that was just said for humor - no really :D<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
Tracie<br />
<br />Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-49521873878523235382012-09-25T12:52:00.000-04:002012-09-25T12:52:55.945-04:00Weight Loss: Tips, Tricks, & TruthsI started my diet/exercise routine in September of 2011. To date I have lost 82lbs. I have gone from a size 22/24 jean to a size 12. I thought it might be amusing to share some things I have learned along the way:<div>
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<li>Dieting sucks. Period. It really truly does. No one should sugar coat it (haha - get it?) for you. Oh my god I would love to wake up every morning to chocolate. Chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Hmmmmm - a c t u a l l y, I would like to wake up every morning to Joe Manganiello bringing me breakfast in bed (a hot fudge sundae hold the ice cream please) telling me how incredibly hot I looked. Sigh. Sadly, that is probably not going to happen. What is even worse? I would probably eat the sundae first ;)</li>
<li>And this is Joe. I just wanted to share in case any of you didn't know to whom I was referring. But I have already called dibs. Hands off!!! I have deluded myself into believing that he is my reward at the end of my journey. Do not burst my bubble.</li>
<li>You can say you want to lose weight for the health benefits. blah. blah. blah. We all know it is to get into the skinny jeans!!!</li>
<li>There is no such thing as "filler" foods when you are craving something. And what ever dipshit told you to drink water to help give you that full feeling was full of shit. If you are craving something HAVE IT. However do one of the following: 1) Limit yourself to how much (I have literally just taken a bite of something), 2) Count ALL those calories into your day and suck it up buttercup if that means celery for the rest of the day (obviously this is not a healthy option so don't do it often), or 3) Ramp up the exercise routine big time that day. Above all put what you did BEHIND you and move on. It is a new day - a new hour - a new minute. If you need to start over 15 times in one day then do it. It gets easier everyday.</li>
<li>My skinny size 0 sister has suggested brushing your teeth when you are hungry so that you don't want to eat. It doesn't work. I do however have the cleanest teeth in the state. </li>
<li>Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! I truly think this is what did it for me. It turns out that I LOVE to exercise (most of the time.....). And when I say exercise...... Honey you need to work up a huge ass S W E A T. A disgustingly dripping drenching everywhere type sweat. You need to peel your clothes off when you are done. You need to smell like a man!!! Okay maybe that is taking it too far. I spent years in the past doing hours and hours and hours on an elliptical. It did nothing. When I started last year we already had a treadmill (the hubby bought it for himself years before and it had been used maybe 5 times but it made a fantastic drying rack). Just do it! No I am not endorsing Nike. Everybody has to start somewhere. If you walk 1 mile and it takes you 30 minutes - that is fantastic - cause ya didn't do it yesterday, right? The only one you need to compete against is YOURSELF. When I started it took me 70-75 minutes to do 3 miles. I can now do those same 3 miles in about 42 minutes. </li>
<li>And here is a depressing little newsflash: Those machines we all use to burn calories?? The calorie counts on them? Rubbish. A complete flat out lie. Pisses ya off right? You get done and think you have burned like 700 calories. Not even close. Try like 30-35% of that number. Sucks - someone should kick their asses for blatantly lying.</li>
<li>Little things count!!! Park farther away from stores or wear ankle weights around the house (especially when you do housework). It will all add up and you will get stronger. Do NOT wear these when going out to get the mail and you have an ass for a neighbor unless you want to listen to his bullshit. </li>
<li>Did you know that your calves can actually touch when you walk???? No really!!! Recently I was walking around here at home doing stuff and I kept feeling like there was something on my calf - like a little bug (and most of ya know how I feel about bugs!!!)- so I kept stopping and brushing my legs. You know what it was? My thighs have actually gotten small enough that my calves swish by each other when I walk. I know - who knew that was possible?? LOL.</li>
<li>Your weight loss will be all from your boobs. Really. Further proof that god is definitely a man. :( If you are smaller now well you will get even smaller. Z-Toad (my 9 year old boob guy) has expressed his dissatisfaction with the lack of pillowing when he wants to cuddle. So get ready to pony up some serious $$$ as you go down in bra sizes!! I was a 44DDD and am now a 38DD. So far Victoria Secret (which I can finally fit into!) gets my vote for best bras. Side note: I have always always always worn a bra to bed. I know you are cringing (eek! a bra to bed) BUT I swear that is why my boobs are where they are and not trying to kiss my knees! You may be 20 now and they are attached to your chin but 20 years from now you will remember this posts when they look like stretched out pendulums! </li>
<li>Stretch marks. Ugh. Okay well stretch marks when they are S T R E T C H E D out are really not so bad. I know you think they are hideous now but trust me! You hate the little buggers across your tummy right? And maybe your tummy has the makings of a map of a city. Once you start shrinking - the city starts getting smaller and your roads start to pucker and warp. Honey the city is going to need to be resurfaced. Stat! Do you know that gastric bypass folks GET a tummy tuck as part of their procedure???? I am not begrudging anyone anything but damn I think if you do it the old fashioned way that should also be the case! Am I right girls???</li>
<li>Lastly - surround yourself with a FANTASTIC group of women!! You will find your inspiration and provide inspiration for someone else.</li>
<li>Okay - this is really last. <b><u> Even when you totally blow the day you have to realize it is JUST that day and it does not define your journey.</u></b> </li>
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This is the picture on my fridge (on the left) and me now:</div>
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Tracie</div>
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xo</div>
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Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-23331710597000397822012-06-06T10:58:00.003-04:002012-06-06T10:58:45.720-04:00Helicopter Parents Suck!The school year is almost at an end. YEAH - for not have to deal with homework, getting up early, and the last of certain teachers! BOO - for having to deal with boredom and arguing! I give it 3 weeks and I will be begging to get up early and for school to start.<br />
<br />
This was the boys first year at a public school. I have to say that it was probably the best decision we have made in awhile (unless of course you count the monumental decision to buy facebook stock). <br />
<br />
As you 5 regular readers know I abhorred the drive to get them to and from the private school. The actual drive itself wasn't so bad - it was the playing well with others in the parking lot. <br />
<br />
By comparison this year has been so much better. The boys are the first ones on the bus which arrives almost always at 7:33. The boys leave the house at 7:31, walk past 2 houses to the bus stop, wait approximately 90 seconds, and then whoosh they are spirited away my big yellow taxi of sunshine. I loves me the bus!! I watch this all from my front door. It is friggin' fantastic. Except when it rains and I have to actually leave the house to park at the top of the street so they don't drown (it must be raining hard enough to cause a visible splash in puddles for a car trip to be sanctioned). I decided to pick the boys up after school because they are the last ones off the bus which would mean almost a 50 minute bus ride home (and with after school activities and homework that doesn't work well).<br />
<br />
Z-Toad's (2nd grade) school at first glance seemed to have the most well run pickup. Parents are suppose to drive up the side of the school and wait in line around a circle at the top. When you come around the circle one of the teachers looks at you and calls your child to one of three cones. So in theory 3 cars pull up to cones 1, 2, and 3 where you child is waiting. They get in their respective cars, drive away, and then the next 3 cars pull up to the cones, etc..... Doesn't it sound like bliss? Yeah well leave it to a bunch of helicopter parents to ruin it.<br />
<br />
School gets out at 2:45. At first I was making every effort to get their early and be the first one because I still had to get to the other school to pick up J-Toad. I tried 2:30 and was horrified to discover that I was like the 20th car in line!!! What the hell? So I kept arriving earlier. TWO pm these <strike>nuts</strike> people start to line up!! And this certain black pickup truck was always first. So I got their 5 minutes earlier and now I was first! Ha! The next day - same time - and the black pickup truck was already there. Her and I did this dance for a few days each of us arriving 5 minutes earlier than the day before until the arrival time was approaching 1:30. I'm just slightly competitive but this was even too much for me so I stopped going early. I figure she showed up that early for at least a couple of more days which means I WON!!! Plus every now and then I show up that early and take the first spot just throw her off her game and make her come super early for days on end. LOL For the past 4 months or so, I have it timed pretty well to show up last and then I have no wait time and the public remains safe.<br />
<br />
The road along the side of the school is narrow - 2 way traffic only. And the line to pick up backs up all the way around the circle and down the road. Yet EVERY BLESSED DAY their is a school pickup truck that parks on the road right after cone 1. So if the people coming in are not YET bright enough (and really it has only been since September ) to leave enough room for exiting traffic then there is a little stand still while all the incoming cars shuffle forward. Call me silly but why can't the truck be moved just during parent pick up?<br />
<br />
The teacher who stands by the cars to call your child to a cone STILL acts like she doesn't remember whose kid is mine. Keep in mind I am almost always last so there is like - um - ONE child left to be picked up!!!! Z-Toad has curly hair and I have curly hair!!! Not to mention he is waving at me and jumping out of his skin to be called. But everyday she looks at me and says "Z-Toad (well she actually says his name) right?". I am going to break down in hysterics one day and start sobbing "Where is my kid??? Who did you give her too?" <br />
<br />
Then there are the other parents picking up. Oy! Oy! Oy! In theory parent pickup should work like this: Parent pulls up to the cone where child is waiting - child opens door - child gets in vehicle - child shuts door - parent leaves. You know so the rest of the line could move forward and pick up their child. There is not one but SEVERAL parents who get out of their vehicle, walk over to their child greeting them with a big display of hugs and kisses cause it has been a whole SIX friggin hours since they last saw each other and OMG how they have missed their little darlings! I bet these moms have a flask in their coach bags. Parent then takes their child's backpack (cause oh it must be so heavy and why expect them to carry their own stuff?) , and LEISURELY get their child into their car. They secure the seat belts by pulling on them (they worked this morning but perhaps a mouse gnawed thru the belt in the last 6 hours and we wouldn't want Little Savannah to take a face plant into the back of mom's seat). The whole time uberparent is talking away so animated that small planes could mistake it for landing instructions. Then they duck their heads back into the car for one more friggin' kiss cause after all they are going to have to shut the door - get into the front seat - and drive that whole way home with no physical contact!!!! Why did they even have the doctor cut the umbilical cord? Sometimes ubermoms have OPENED the backpacks to look for something cause their little darling is just SO excited about their latest Picasso like drawing. <br />
<br />
Then there is me. I pull up. I get out of the car to open the slider (the one on the passenger side no longer works). Zachary walks around to the door all on his own and if he is not moving fast enough I bodily pick him up and throw him in (like a bundled carpet) - tell him to buckle up - shut the sliding door - get into my seat - and pull away all while he is still getting in his seat and has not yet got the buckle in place. At this point I usually need to go around the uberparent in front of me who is still landing small planes while kissing their brat and fawning all over their piece de resistance of the day.<br />
<br />
This morning was the first time I had to drop off Z-Toad. Same concept except no cones so parents pretty much just drop off once they get around the loop. I have an uberparent in front of me. UGH!<br />
I am the last car in line. Everyone is gone now except me and her. Z-Toad is out - kissed (at home) - and in the recess yard. Uberparent's uberchild has not even OPENED the damn door to get out of the car. I still need to get J-Toad to school and make an appointment. I pull out around uberparent's vehicle to leave and this teacher starts screaming "STAY IN LINE" "GET BACK IN LINE" and pointing at me. Is she fucking serious?? I am already 2 car lengths beyond uberparent. Our eyes meet - my eyebrow arches up making my WTF face (my fingers twitching on the steering wheel) and I go. What the hell is she gonna do? Maybe ubermom behind me will don her cape (surely it will have a drawing her child did plastered on the back) perform a citizens arrest all while kissing her child and whispering words of positive reinforcement. <br />
<br />
Laters All~<br />
Tracie<br />Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-64744730089099007132012-01-10T12:05:00.000-05:002012-01-10T12:05:26.314-05:00Weight Loss, You, and Me<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">It is a new year folks and how do I know? The 24/7 onslaught of weight loss commercials. Yippee!!! Celebrities in which my life and theirs have 100%? , um 70%?, wait 50%?, no no that is not it....... 20%? in common. Or maybe exactly NOTHING in common? </span><b><br />
</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Current Diet Commercials:</b></span><br />
<br />
<b>Jennifer Hudson: </b>"Yes You Can" and "I am you. You are me." campaigns. Yes, Miss Hudson I can. But NO I am not you. And you are me? Do you have a house to clean, grocery shopping, a "real" job, kids whining at you, a husband whining at you, anything at all to fucking worry about?? And I seem to have misplaced my stylist, life coach, manager, assistant, babysitter, chef, and personal trainer. Could you be a doll and send them back to me? Thanks xoxo..... Oh, and just one more thing...... Could you stop singing every flippin' line in your commercials? I keep thinking there is a cat stuck in our chimney. <br />
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<b>Mariah Carey:</b> Seriously?? I really want to like her. I do. But - ugh - can she do anything without posing? She doesn't speak on the commercial - just quick flashes of her in some skanky two piece outfit. Oh - and a wind machine to billow her hair all over. Yeah - that just screams weight loss program to me. Do I just need to carry a fan in front of me?? What it does scream is that she needs a new stylist, life coach, manager, etc....<br />
<br />
<b>Janet Jackson</b> is now touting Nutrisystem. I like Miss Janet. Her commercial is the only one that doesn't get on my nerves. But seriously can you really picture her going into her food vault and rifling thru her nutrisystem meals. Popping it in the microwave and chowing down on the cardboard food satisfied? Or can you picture her picking up the phone in her limo and calling ahead to her chef to have something waiting for her that is under 400 calories? Yeah, me too. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>My Weight Loss Plan/Goal:</b> </span><br />
<ul><li>To be a single digit size (um without physically taking a marker and obscuring the first number on the tag). You know those long stickers that come on your pants that tell the size about 12 times so you can see it across a parking lot? I want to lose enough so that I keep that fucking sticker on my pants. Hell I am going to make a bodysuit of JUST those stickers. </li>
</ul><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The How:</b></span><br />
<b>Realism/Dieting: </b> I am a bad dieter. Mainly because I hate almost anything that is good for me. Unless........ Has chocolate broccoli been developed yet? So I have chosen to not consciously diet. I am not counting a damn point nor am I paying to have cardboard food delivered to me while still having a house full of food for all my toads. I have chosen to try and make better eating decisions every day. Does that mean I have a brownie sometimes? Your damn skippy it does.<br />
<b>Exercise: </b> That is my strength. I LOVE to exercise. I wish I had more time to exercise. And I have refused (some days are tougher than others) to feel guilty about taking the time for me. I walk on the treadmill for at least 60 minutes a day (I do anywhere from 3-4 miles). That is doing the trick. If I had the brownie maybe I will do an extra 15 minutes - maybe not. <br />
<br />
Since August I have lost 32 lbs. The point is do what works for you. You don't need to count points or buy someone's prepackaged food to know that eating a donut is worse than having a bowl of oatmeal. You know that walking to the mailbox is better for you than driving your car to it. Don't pay someone for common sense. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Advice for Non-Fatties Talking To Fatties:</span></b><br />
<ul><li> If you have never been in a double digit size -just shut the fuck up. Period. No one cares that you were a size 4 and then - gasp - gained 10 lbs. and had to buy a six. Talk to me when you add a "teen" to end of that. </li>
</ul><ul><li>If you went up 10-20 lbs and lost it to get back to your size 4. Well fucking hoorah for you. Shut up. I don't care. </li>
</ul><ul><li>If you remember being a single digit size. Good for you. Don't share.</li>
</ul><ul><li>If you have trouble gaining or maintaining weight. LOL. Really? Just go to the zoo and jump into the lions den. You have a better chance of survival.</li>
</ul><ul><li>If you think "The Avenue" is a dance club we cannot be friends. </li>
</ul><ul><li>"You are beautiful" is a compliment. "You have a beautiful face." is NOT a compliment. Everyone fat person on the planet knows the rest of that statement is "gee, it is too bad about the rest of you." The next time I see someone with a smokin' body I am going to say "Wow, you have a great body.......... Say, have you thought about meeting with a plastic surgeon about your face?"</li>
</ul><span style="font-size: large;"><b> The most ridiculous thing I was ever told:</b></span><br />
<br />
J-Toad (my 10 year old) is not growing according to the doctors charts. In a nutshell he is not even on the growth chart. So we met with an endocrinologists. She is concerned because he is so thin (54 lbs.). How is this for irony? I have a child that I have been told needs to GAIN weight. Yeah - I have no clue. Anyway she says (really I swear): "Weight and height work hand and hand. If you can get him to eat more calories it will help to stimulate his growth." I looked at her and said "Really? If that were the case I should be 7 feet tall." She had no comment.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-74494824257792896812011-12-20T21:03:00.000-05:002011-12-20T21:03:25.838-05:00Children Are Not Only For Tax Deductions!I LOVE to drive fast. L O V E I T! Not when <b><i>you</i> </b>do it -<b><i> you, </i></b>of course,<b><i> </i></b>are not capable of handling such speed and will inevitably cause an accident. But not MOI - I have some mad skillz peeps. I have no idea what the speed limits are 90% of the time. I just drive. Usually this puts me at least 10 miles over the posted speed. But never more than that - mom - if you are reading this. I drive to my comfort level of the road. I am an incredibly lousy passenger. I am almost only comfortable if I am in control of the car. This causes many fights with Mr. Toad (who drives like well, um, a toad). I drive fast SAFELY. I do NOT swerve in and out of traffic, I do not tailgate, I do not text while I drive or put on make-up, etc.... I generally follow all the rules except the pesky speed limit one. Seriously that couldn't possibly be applicable to moi?<br />
<br />
My very first car was a pretty blue camaro and it was LOVE at first site. Way way way back back back in the day I would say that I was possibly a hottie (nice car - big boobs - big hair - you can do the math). My love of speed led inevitably to encounters with law enforcement. I would need all my fingers and toes and the fingers and toes of my 2 children (and possibly some of your kids as well) to be able to count the number of times I was pulled over. However I would only need one hand to count the number of actual tickets. I <i>rarely </i>ever got a ticket. Big boobs and big hair kind of did the trick. A low cut shirt, hair toss, and a "Who me?" batting of the eyes was enough 95% of the time. For the other 5% a few well placed friends in law enforcement did the trick. I even outran 2 state troopers on 2 separate occasions. I know this sounds like bragging but I'm not..... okay maybe a little. I could run rings around Danica! One of these incidents resulted in the loss of a friendship. "OMG OMG OMG Tracie - stop....... blah blah blah....... gonna be sick." Some girls are such wussies!.<br />
<br />
That was then .......... this is now. My love of speed has not changed. My camaro has morphed into a minivan. A minivan that screams "I am a middle-aged mom with 2 kids wearing a sensible support bra". Shockingly the minivan does not perform like a camaro. But then again I no longer perform like a camaro either. I am happy to report that being pulled over is no longer as common an occurrence as brushing one's teeth. So imagine my shock when I was pulled over and GOT A TICKET! What the hell is that?? Apparently my dyed hair, my adorable TWO laugh lines, and less than perky boobs (even with the support of 15 gage wire) are sadly no longer able to sway the Officer Baby Face calling me "MA'AM". God I fucking HATE being called "ma'am" or "kiddo". And now my days of not getting tickets have apparently come to an end.<br />
<br />
Or have they?? <br />
<br />
What I have discovered is that having kids - especially adorably funny children is just as good as being young and having boobies! I have been pulled only a few times while having the kids in the car and have yet to get a ticket.<br />
<br />
-Pull over 1: I had my kids in the car and someone else's on our way to god knows where when the blue lights came on behind us. Shit. It was summer so all the windows are open. As the cop comes carefully up along side of my car, the kids start chanting "Put Mommy in Jail" "Put Mommy in Jail". By the time the cop actually got to me he was laughing his ass off. That was it - no license - no registration - just a "OMG - that was the funniest thing ever". That was when the genius first dawned. My children could be ASSETS!<br />
<br />
-Pull over 2: We were running late and I was definitely speeding. I was trying to get Z-Toad to Karate. I came up over a hill and there was Mr. Blue Light. He didn't even have to pull out of his spot. I was done. I knew it. I pulled myself over. Our conversation:<br />
<br />
Officer: "Ma'am (cringe!!) - Do you know the speed limit?"<br />
Me: "Um - no" (am I suppose to ever say yes when asked this question?).<br />
Z-Toad (from the backseat buckled in as required by law - yippee!!!): "Mom I told you it was 30 and that you were going too fast."<br />
Me: (that was true - Z-Toad wants to be a cop and is obsessed with the speed limit signs. Let me tell you how much fun that is on a 4 hour drive) "Z-Toad just sit there and be quiet."<br />
Officer: "You should have listened to him."<br />
Z-Toad: "She was just trying to get me to karate on time."<br />
Officer: "You take karate, little man?"<br />
Z-Toad: "Yes. I take it cause I want to be a policeman when I grow up."<br />
I could literally see the words "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" flashing on his young non-wrinkled forehead. I had to resist the urge to unbuckle myself and shower Z-Toad with kisses. His charm knows no limits. You work it son. Mom has never been so proud :)<br />
<br />
<br />
How do I know this is fact? Well strictly as a pure scientific experiment to enable me to write a knowledgeable blog for you all, I got myself pulled over. <br />
No need to thank me - just send a small donation. Enough to cover about $150? <br />
No children in the car. Just me. <br />
And for good measure I made sure my back left brake light was out. <br />
And if that wasn't enough I pulled over on the left side of the road (I didn't realize I was being pulled and it was just trying to get out of his way. Any hoots it is apparently illegal to pull over to the left...... details). <br />
<br />
How did that encounter go you ask?<br />
<br />
<br />
My advice: Either hoist your girls up so you look like you have no neck or make sure to pack a kid or 2 when you travel. Helps if they are funny, or charming, or........ if nothing else teach them to throw up on command. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Just sayin'<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas All~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-22106724137886774412011-10-22T11:20:00.000-04:002011-10-22T11:20:32.468-04:00Never Underestimate the Smart!Recently we were suppose to go over a friend of mine's house for a monthly card party. I was having just one of those days: the kids were fighting each other from the second they laid eyes on one another that morning, I had like 100 things to do (may be not quite that many but it felt that way), and I had been fighting a headache that day (after 10 motrin the throbbing in my head was just bearable). So the thought of going to a house full of folks and then also putting my kids into the mix was not appealing. I called said friend told her what was going on - begged her forgiveness and swore I would be a better BFF in the future. <br />
<br />
The problem was that Z-Toad LOVES to go to this friend's house. It is mainly because Z-Toad loves women and there would be a house full to swoon all over him. I had already hinted a few times that I didn't think I was up to going. That put his mood from bad to thismuchshort of hell & fury. <br />
<br />
I figure that could Outwit, Outplay, and Outlast my 8 year old!! <br />
Yeah - not so much.<br />
<br />
<i>**Earlier that day I went to my hairdresser and had my roots touched up (please note they are not gray just a darker brown than I would like - ahem). She also had to thin it. I have a LOT of flippin' hair and it tends to grow horizontal thus the need for thinning shears. For those 2 of you not in know - thinning your hair causes massive amounts of hair to be shed throughout the rest of your day. I left my hubby's car with a lovely hair blanket on his drivers seat (you're welcome babe!).**</i><br />
<br />
Then the light bulb went off.........<br />
<br />
I went upstairs to toss my head under the tub just to get the last of the cut hair out. I then called another friend and asked her to call me back. The phone rang and then after waiting some time I yelled downstairs "That was XXX who called, XXX (her daughter) is sick so we can't go." Pretty slick, huh? I am smarter than my second grader =)<br />
It was a proud moment folks!!! <br />
<br />
Z-Toad comes sauntering up the stairs with his Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass and top hat looking like the cat that ate the canary.<br />
<br />
Z-Toad: "Mom, I don't think that is what really happened." he says eying me suspiciously <br />
Me: "Oh really, Z-Toad? And how would you know if XXX is sick?"<br />
Z-Toad: "Well the phone didn't say XXX name when it rang it said another name. So it wasn't XXX who called. You lied mommy."<br />
Me: crap - crap - crap - think - think - think - can't let 8 year old win.....<br />
Me: "Z-Toad Mommy would never lie to you. I am hurt you would think that."<br />
Me: damn talking phones - damn hubby who has to have every technology under the sun.....<br />
Me: "Well for your information Mr. Smartypants, she called from the doctor's office phone cause she wanted to let us know. That is why the name was different."<br />
Score! <br />
Z-Toad: "Mom! I want to text her."<br />
Shit!<br />
Me: "Z-Toad would my hair be wet if I wasn't about to get ready to go? Do you think I would have made the cookies downstairs to bring if I didn't plan on going? Don't you think I am disappointed to?"<br />
Z-Toad: "Oh" <br />
Z-Toad: thinking....... thinking.......thinking......<br />
Z-Toad: "Mom that sucks you did ALL that work and then they canceled! I am mad at XXX."<br />
Me: "Well honey don't be mad at XXX it is not her fault that XXX is sick. And girls get embarrassed when they get sick so don't bring it up and make her feel bad."<br />
<br />
And then we had a somewhat peaceful (if you call brawling between J-Toad Hatfield & Z-Toad McCoy peaceful) night. I also placed a phone call to the said BFF to explain what went on so that she could back me up because I know this little event is the first thing that Z-Toad will bring up.<br />
<br />
What was even more funny was that we had plans later in the week with the same folks and they legitimately had to cancel!!! Z-Toad says "AGAIN?!?!" LOL<br />
Well....... at least I think it was legit.<br />
Hmmmmmmmmmm.......<br />
<br />
Hugs!<br />
Tracie<br />
<br />
-ps- A funny from Z-Toad who discovered that he cannot see out of his mask for Halloween cause the eye holes are cut too small. He tells me he understands why they are so small.....<br />
"The mask was made in China and they can't open their eyes wide!"Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-47093527214941088702011-06-09T21:43:00.000-04:002011-06-09T21:43:41.767-04:00Maybe Things Are Only Funny In My Head?Or Alternatively Titled: The 4,328th reason that my children will require therapy.<br />
<br />
Getting Z-Toad up in the morning for school is not easy - nor is it pleasant. It doesn't matter how much sleep he gets, it doesn't matter if he went bed in a great mood, and it doesn't matter the method in which I wake him - he is flippin' G R O U C H Y!<br />
<br />
I have tried literally yanking him out of bed by his feet (this method works on my older child who would sleep thru a nuclear attack), I have tried waking him slowly over the span of an hour with music or some NiKTV crap, I have tried tickling him, and I have tried being all nicey-nice whispering that it is time to get up, that he is the greatest child ever and my favorite over what's his face (just a joke people) and all that positive affirmation crap. And ya know what? Nothing changes. He is THE Grouchmiser in the am.<br />
<br />
I have learned to make him to a shower the night before to avoid a meltdown in the morning - that would be my meltdown not his! He doesn't want to put clothes on, he doesn't want to brush his teeth, and he even insists that after 72,000 hours of sleep and 270 ounces of water guzzled .0000004 seconds before he falls asleep that he does not need the bathroom in the morning. <br />
<br />
Then one morning as he was standing in front of the toilet arguing with me for the gazillonith time, I started talking like I was his pee-pee (no I don't call it his penis because if I said the real word he would say it like 500 times within a 3 minute span and probably in the middle of church). I bet you didn't know that a pee-pee could have a voice? Well it can and it does. In my head I see a Pee-Pee Muppet. It looks like a paper towel roll with a face and a beret on top. Cause see for some reason the voice came out....... with a French accent. <br />
<br />
So in the morning if you were to eavesdrop outside the bathroom window you would hear:<br />
<i>(Please read Z-Toad's line as if a font called "7 Year Old Whiny Squeaky Voice " existed</i>. )<br />
<br />
<b>Z-Toad:</b> Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Can't I sleep more?<br />
<b>Me:</b> Go to the bathroom Zach<br />
<b>Z-Toad:</b> I DON'T HAVE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<b>Me:</b> Lift the toilet seat Z-Toad.<br />
<b>Z-Toad:</b> Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I don't need to.<br />
<b>Me: </b>Z-Toad yes you do. (turning on the faucet)<br />
<b>Z-Toad:</b> MOOOMMMM - Don't you listen to me!!!!<br />
<b>Me: (as Pierre the Pee-Pee with a beret): </b><i> What do you mean we don't have to go?? I have been in bed for 10 hours dood! TEN Hours! Take me out!!! Take me out!!! I have been stuck in your underwear in the dark all night! For the love of Pete, I have to goooooooooooo. </i>(by now Z-Toad is usually giggling). <i> Your the one that drank all the water before we went to bed. I told you not to! Why did you do that? I had to hold it all night so you could sleep. Take me out!!! Take me out!!!! I have to go........</i><br />
<br />
By now he is laughing - and going to the bathroom. It also effectively eliminates the grouchy Z-Toad monster.<br />
<br />
Then one morning this image just popped into my head. Z-Toad is out on date.......and you know things are happening and now Pierre the Pee-Pee is starting to talk to Z-toad for other reasons. Except the end message is still the same: Take me out! Take me out! <br />
<br />
And in that moment who's voice do you think Z-Toad will hear in his head?? What memory will pop into his head? <br />
<br />
So to the future Mrs. Z-Toad - I apologize....... a little.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-25930743290527498672011-05-28T09:46:00.000-04:002011-05-28T09:46:43.235-04:00Some New Button Ideas for Facebook!<u><b></b></u><br />
<br />
<br />
I don't have to talk to anyone - I can email, text, tweet, fb anyone my every little thought. For those of us with a still intact FBBM (Filter Between Brain & Mouth) these tools are perfectly acceptable. But sadly there are many who suffer from FBBM and technology for them is a drug. If it were just a simple drug addiction they would go off into their own little world and you could ignore them but these FBBMers wield technology like a weapon and suck you into their web.<br />
<br />
To that end (and in the interest of saving time) I am going to suggest a few buttons that FB might consider adding:<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Nobody Believes Your Status Messages.</b> (this is for those pesky eternally happy people with their fucking perky happy messages - they are full of shit. They are the ones of the verge of a mental break. Mark my words in 6 months you will see them on "Dateline ID")<br />
<br />
<b>You Need To Up Your Meds (or Have You Been Holding Out On Me?)</b><br />
<br />
<b>Facebook is Not A Licensed Therapist. </b> (for those annoying shits who like to post esoteric messages - it is really just a roll call for them to see which of their friends are reading them. "today is a dark day....... i can only hope for a better tomorrow") Followed by 27 messages asking "What, What, What"? Said person is no longer posting ...... You wait and look at FB - OMG - what if something happened - where could they have gone? They have gone nowhere. They have their eyes glued to their fb screen, hitting the refresh button, making a list of who has responded. The rest of you will be defriended - only to be asked to be their friend again in a week.<br />
<br />
<b>TMI - Get a Room!</b> (could be renamed to: Ewwwwwwwwwww......My Eyes..... Dear God make the visual stop!!!)<br />
<br />
<b>Amen. Love and Praise to HIM </b>(I am pretty sure that God does not expect or want you to praise him for everything from "I found my car keys" to "Thank god they haven't canceled General Hospital yet") Maybe fb could provide a little clicky "Praise Him" button and then when hit the button it would pop up somewhere on your profile "(insert name) has praised God today. Have you?" <br />
<br />
<b>I SO Don't Care.</b> (probably applicable to 90% of all posts - although surely not any of mine)<br />
<br />
<b>I Pray For Everything</b> (you don't need to ask just assume you are on the list unless otherwise explicitly noted).<br />
<br />
<b>Your Political Views Suck</b> (both sides - all sides - suck - they all lie - I can poke as many holes into your beliefs as you can poke into mine. Although my arguments will undoubtedly be more articulate than yours). <br />
<br />
<b>My</b> (husband, wife, children, brother, sister, UPS guy)<b> is Truly the Bestest Ever.</b> I already know it. They already know it. We don't feel the need to brag about it in some wall posts and make everyone else feel like shit.)<br />
<br />
<b>We all know your</b> (hubby, wife, kids, sisters, brothers) <b>and KNOW You Are Lying</b>.<br />
<br />
<b>I am SO sick of reading about your friggin brats.</b> (this of course does not apply to me, my brats, or my fb posts about said friggin brats). <br />
<br />
<b>I am just pressing this button because you are neurotic and I don't want a PM message, text, or call asking me why I didn't press this damn button!</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b style="color: red;">And could we just change the LIKE button to what it truly is?</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<b><i>Please Click Here to Provide Me with Positive Affirmation. Pretty Please. Please Click Me. PLEASE!!!</i></b> <b><i> Dear God Please let someone click me</i></b> <b><i>before too much time has passed. oh wait are people just going to click like because they feel sorry for me. But that is still okay, right? Why does fb have to keep saying how much time has passed. I bet it only times my posts. Please someone. Maybe I should post again - some sort of computer glich must have happened. I can't believe none of my 3, 857 friends don't have time to validate me. The timer says I posted this a whole minute ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I will teach all of them. Let's see type my status here: "today is a dark day.......... i can only hope for a better tomorrow." Now let's watch the comments roll in......... I am SO liked. </i></b> <br />
<br />
<br />
And every time someone hit the LIKE button your computer would say:<br />
"Smile (insert name here). Someone likes you at this very moment". <br />
But in my twisted and demented mind the voice would continue....<br />
"Please note that (friend 47, friend 52, friend 102) have yet to hit the like button although<br />
they have all been on facebook for a total of 312 minutes, have seen your post, and have clicked like on 27 other wall posts."<br />
<br />
How come no one has designed a little counter for everyone's page that tally's up the number of likes you get over your lifetime? <br />
<br />
Then we could have the <b>"How To Tell If Your Friends Really Like You"</b> Chart:<br />
<br />
<br />
0-100: Do I have to tell you? Find a tall bridge.<br />
101-499: Having 2 really close friends is all that anyone really needs. Really ;)<br />
500-999: Let me guess, always a bridesmaid, right?<br />
1000+ : You Are Fucking Awesome! Your virtual world loves you!!!! Now go feed your 67 cats.<br />
<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
Tracie<br />
<br />
<br />
Um- and go click like - please?Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-80324735762099371672011-05-19T11:43:00.000-04:002011-05-19T11:43:02.397-04:00Don't Say I Give My Kids Nothing ........... Neurosis Is Something!There is nothing worse on the news then stories about missing kids. I am not someone who cries easily but bring on parents that are desperately looking for a lost child and I am in a puddle.<br />
<br />
It should then come as no shock that my kids have heard their who lives - from the fetus people!! - about the evil people in the world just waiting to snatch them. Don't trust anyone!! They have heard the puppy scam stories. They have been told to fight with every ounce they have in them because most times when a child is taken the outcome is tragic. They have been told to yell, scream, punch, kick, bite, anything to make you not an easy target. Do I think they listen? Shit I hope so. But they pretty much listen to nothing I say so what would make me think this would be different?<br />
<br />
Am I neurotic? Yes. Do I live in a "bad" town? Um - nope. Do I know where the registered sex offenders live in my town? Yes. Two live one street over in the same house. Is there a reason that we can't make them all live in some frozen wasteland to freeze to death? Or if you believe the global warming idiots they can drown when it all melts. <br />
<br />
Do I get made fun of by some relatives and friends about my neurosis? Yes. Do I care? No. They can suck it. <br />
<br />
Here in the Toadstool we have on the ID network most frequently. Investigation Discovery. It is all about true life murders and how the perp is eventually got. It is fascinating to me. In my next life I want to be a blood splatter analysis. And, yes, I am HUGE Dexter fan. I almost exclusively read detective/murder type books.<br />
<br />
My two toads are also addicted to the station. THEY turn to the station instead of cartoons. There is pretty much no reason that J-Toad would EVER put down his I-pod but it always gets shut off as he gets sucked in to another story. Do I have to explain some difficult words at times? Yes. Have I told them that some things need to be explained when they are older? Most definitely. We usually try to predict the outcome - whether or not we think they are guilty. I have discovered that J-Toad thinks everyone is guilty and Z-Toad, sadly, may be a defense attorney (shudder). If you are gonna have the balls to murder someone you ought to have the balls to own up to it. <br />
<br />
During these shows there are re-enactments. Nothing ever too graphic - certainly nothing more than a movie you would see. J-Toad, as fascinated as he is by the show, will always turn away pale as a ghost and wait until that part is over. Z-Toad wants to know what make of gun, knife, etc..... that is being used. I am like Z-Toad.<br />
<br />
Have you ever seen those shows where they test your child by putting them in a controlled situation with a stranger to see what they would do? It is AMAZING and frightening the number of children that will just go off with a stranger! I always wanted to test my kids but I have now come to realize that J-Toad would probably have a heart attack on the spot. <br />
<br />
Yesterday I asked J-Toad to go get the mail. The distance from the house to the mailbox is not huge. I can SEE my mailbox from the house. I bet I could even throw a football the distance. He asks Z-Toad to stand in the door and watch him. I watch as he runs to the mailbox and then watch as he freaks out and runs back arms flailing back to the house. <br />
<br />
Me: "J-Toad is there a problem?"<br />
J-Toad: "Didn't you see the car coming?"<br />
Me: "I saw the car driving up the road."<br />
J-Toad: "What if they had been stalking me and waiting for me to go get the mail so they could take me?"<br />
<br />
And with that my job is done and my neurosis has been passed to the next generation.<br />
Your Welcome.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-30164714603400612162011-04-27T11:49:00.000-04:002011-04-27T11:49:29.037-04:00Why I am not concerned about my childrens safety and comfort.I had to go into the school this am and talk to Z-Toad's teacher. It will be 80 here today and I told the kids not to bring their jackets because the school's policy is that they wear out to recess whatever they were sent to school in. Completely stupid. Wouldn't want anyone to exercise reason or common sense.<br />
<br />
I made an error in judgment last month - okay, well I didn't the weather morons got it wrong. It was suppose to increase in temperature by the afternoon and it did not. When the kids left school it was cool, wet, and miserable. And - gasp - shock - they came out of school had to walk 2 whole minutes to get to the car in short sleeve shirts. I hardly think it killed them. <br />
<br />
Here is the thing. I DRIVE them to school every morning and I pick them up at the end of school. The only time they are outside is during a 20 minute recess. I suppose you could count the 5 minutes in the am before school and the 5 minutes in the afternoon after school. They are not on a bus - they are not waiting outside for anything - they don't have to walk 3 miles uphill in 4' deep snow. Get it? The teacher's know this. <br />
<br />
So this morning Z-Toad is having a complete meltdown over not having a jacket cause he was going to loose recess. His teacher says they have to bring a coat or they don't get recess. Oh really? I tell Z-Toad I am your Mom and I trump teacher every time. Z-Toad is now sobbing "MOM"!!!! <br />
<br />
In the school I go to talk to Z-Toad's teacher.<br />
Comments in red are what I should have said.<br />
<br />
<b>Me:</b> Hi. I just wanted to let you know that Z-Toad does not have a jacket today. He seems to think he will lose his recess.<br />
<b>Teacher</b>: Oh no. That is fine for today. It was that other time when it was like 30 out and he didn't have a coat. That day there was an issue.<br />
<b>Me</b>: <i style="color: red;"><b>Bitch - L E T I T G O</b></i> Well yes that was my error. The weather was not suppose to get that bad. Although it was not 30 degrees that morning.<br />
<b>Teacher:</b> You realize as his teacher I am concerned for his safety and comfort.<br />
<b>Me:</b> <i style="color: red;"><b>Whew!!!! I can just take that off my parenting "things to do" list if you have that covered. Perhaps you should be more concerned about 2 brats kids playing "Tackle Zachary" at recess resulting in him getting a big huge bruise on his forehead. </b></i>Well as his mom I think I can decide whether or not he needs a jacket.<br />
<b>Teacher:</b> We are just concerned for the kids. <br />
<b>Me</b>: <i style="color: red;"><b>Apparently listening is not a high priority for the superior parent/teacher</b></i>. Again I am perfectly capable of deciding what my children should wear on any given day. My older toad has an issue where he doesn't sweat. When he gets overheated he turns pale, feels like he is going to vomit, and gets a headache. He physically doesn't sweat. The doctors still haven't been able to figure out why. But since he was born - he does not sleep with covers. Ever. 30 degrees below zero - no covers. As his mom I always want to make sure that all the teachers are aware so that nothing more drastic happens to him. So I am very sensitive to the "safety and comfort" of my children.<br />
<b>Teacher: </b>Is the lack of sweat due to him being dehydrated? Maybe he just needs more liquids?<br />
<b>Me:</b> <i style="color: red;"><b>Holy Shit you are a pediatrician too? Wow you is wicked smart. I will let the doctors know that you have solved this medical mystery that has plagued them for 8 years in like 30 seconds. And without seeing his medical history or even a physical exam!!!! </b></i> Well I am sure the doctors at Children's Hospital have looked at that in conjunction with the battery of other tests they have run. But as I have said they are still not sure why he doesn't sweat "normal". All I am told is that if he starts feeling sick and is uncomfortable that he needs to move out of the heat.<br />
<br />
All this over a stupid jacket. <br />
Maybe tomorrow I will send him in a bathing suit ;)<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-30500106385451438802011-04-10T21:57:00.000-04:002011-04-10T21:57:16.810-04:00What?Z-Toad is 7.5 and the next 11.5 years for him and I are going to be a ride.<br />
Buckle Up!! I think it is gonna get a wee bit bumpy.<br />
He is essentially me in male form (that statement alone should make you shudder).<br />
He is pretty much a fun kid to be around - tells crazy stories - and has a wicked sense of humor.<br />
Oh - and surprise - he is somewhat sarcastic. <br />
I have absolutely no idea where he gets it from :)<br />
And Yes - I consider that a positive trait - most days it is the only thing between myself and the men with the white coats.<br />
<br />
As of late Z-Toad has been a tad bit, um, difficult. That he gets from his father.<br />
<br />
When I pick the toads up from school I sometimes chat with the other mom's about the <strike>stupidity</strike> amazing school they attend and all the completely <strike>ridiulous</strike> relevant projects they must complete.<br />
I expect the toads to behave while I chat and at the very least follow the school rules as if they were actually still in school being watched by their teachers. This is where I am naive. <br />
<br />
Z-Toad has informed me that he can only be "good" for so many hours and he uses that all up at school because he is afraid of going to the principals office. And, evidently, he is NOT afraid of me. <br />
<br />
I told the toads that from now on when I picked them up they are NOT to go off of the tar (which is the school rule). If they did not behave they would lose their computer. <br />
This rule had to be amended to "anything that plugs in at some point in its life to be active" or I had to go through.<br />
"So I can use my DS?"<br />
No.<br />
"So I can use my IPhone?"<br />
No.<br />
"I can use your IPhone?"<br />
No.<br />
"The Wii?"<br />
No.<br />
"The X-Box?"<br />
No. You can use the Playstation.<br />
"Mom we don't have a playstation"<br />
"Really? That is too bad cause that is the one thing you are NOT grounded from." <br />
Ha! Damn I am good I think. I got my 7 year old.<br />
Do not judge - some days it is all about the little victories!<br />
<br />
Fast Forward to the very next day and Surpise! Z-Toad has lost all his electronic stuff. J-Toad was extremely well behaved cause I am pretty sure that he himself requires recharging.<br />
<br />
Of course now that Z-Toad had lost access to all that is holy in his life he had nothing left to lose and out came his wild self.<br />
I upped the punishment to "If you don't behave now you can not go to L-Toad's house tomorrow." He has been waiting F O R E V E R to be invited over. <br />
Apparently I signed up for the <u>I take your kid 5 times and you take mine Once In A Friggin' Blue Moon Program</u>. That would get him to behave for sure I thought!<br />
<br />
Z-Toad decides to tempt fate - and my hand - by walking a pretend tightrope at the very edge of the tar. And then Oops! He lost is balance and took a few steps into the punishment zone. Not once but like 7 times.<br />
Did anyone see that coming?<br />
"Sorry, Mom, but it doesn't count cause I lost my balance."<br />
Oh yes, yes it did count and now you are not going over L-Toad's house (damnit damnit damnit - now I want to cry!) I say as I wrap my hand around his wrist in a totally lovingly <strike>and in no way cutting off his circulation</strike> manner.<br />
"Mom, mom, your gonna make my hand fall off, you are holding it too tight"<br />
<br />
Then the funniest thing happened but I lost my balance cause I was walking on very edge of the tar and my fingernails somehow dug into his wrist. Huh. Go figure.<br />
"Ow, Ow, Ow, Mom!!!"<br />
"Sorry, Z-Toad, but it doesn't count I lost my balance."<br />
He looks at me. I look at him<br />
"What?" I say with my best innocent look and arched eyebrow. <br />
And that is a WIN for Mom!!! So off I go in my delusional victory.<br />
<br />
On the way home he informs me that it is his teacher's birthday tomorrow and can we make cupcakes. Considering he can use all the brownie points he can get, I agree to stop at the store on the way home.<br />
<br />
Flash forward to the 3 of us standing in line to checkout with:<br />
Cake Mix<br />
Frosting<br />
<br />
<br />
I have not let go of his wrist in the market either - cause between no electronics and no L-Toad visit - he is a hurricane just waiting to be unleashed.<br />
<br />
It is almost our turn........<br />
<br />
Z-Toad says:<br />
"Mom" then looks at the cake mix and frosting.<br />
"Didn't you say you were going on a DIET?"<br />
For a moment I contemplated squeezing his hand even tighter although I wasn't sure I had that much strength left. I even thought that he possibly said that completely innocently until I looked down at him and he looked up at me and said:<br />
<br />
"What?" with the innocent face and arched eyebrow.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-23874989275967697982011-03-29T20:46:00.000-04:002011-03-29T20:46:18.564-04:00Selective Hearing......My business involves traveling to different locations. We unload our product, set up for a few days, and then the whole thing in reverse. Hopefully the reverse process takes much less time as we are loading empty crates to take back.<br />
<br />
When a show is local I can sometimes get hubby to go setup for me. <br />
Just Stop.<br />
Now. <br />
Save all of your "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww - what a nice guy" comments. <br />
There is always a motive!!! <br />
A L W A Y S!!!!<br />
He does this because my back is old and likes to kink up which can render me bed ridden.<br />
And thus promotes him to Mr. Mom. <br />
A role that he does not like. <br />
If given the choice between doing a show or staying home with J-Toad & Z-Toad he picks the road.<br />
In all fairness on most days the show is much less stressful :)<br />
I mean that with much LOVE for the toads! <br />
Just in case you read this and think you can use it in therapy.<br />
<br />
Once I arrive at the show the organizer Cris says "Boy is your husband whipped." <br />
Well - ahem - yes........... <br />
Damn - Did those pictures get out onto the internet?!?<br />
<br />
Oh thats not what you meant? {{blush..}}<br />
<br />
Flash back to the evening before......<br />
The tv is on in the background. <br />
Probably with a movie Mr. Toad has seen 27 times.<br />
<br />
Me: Can you give Cris (the show organizer) a message when you get there?<br />
Mr. Toad: What? <br />
Me: I will be there tomorrow morning (Friday) but I have to leave to get the kids from school at 2. I will be there all day/night on Saturday.<br />
Mr. Toad: (vaguely nods - a think I see a partial flicker in his eyes)<br />
Me: Did you hear me?<br />
Mr. Toad: (exasperated WITH an eye roll - and he says he can't multi-task!!) Yes.<br />
Me: What are you suppose to tell Cris?<br />
Mr. Toad: Who is Cris?<br />
Me: {{Bitch face}}<br />
Mr. Toad: What?<br />
Me: {{still bitch face trying to figure out if thinks he is being funny}}<br />
Me: {{nope - not joking - OMFG}} Are you serious??<br />
Mr. Toad: What? Are you going to stop talking so I can leave?<br />
Me: What did I say?<br />
Mr. Toad: To take the stuff to the show. Where is the show again?<br />
<br />
<br />
I end up writing a note with what I wanted to Mr. Toad to tell her. My INTENTION was that he would look at the note and then remember what to say to her. I was not C L E A R. He physically hands the note to Cris. Cris says to him "Does she want me to sign this and give it back to you?" ROFLMAO. <br />
<br />
So you can imagine my shock...... <br />
The TV surround sound on ten, the kids screaming, the phone ringing, while wearing his headphones, Mr. Toad can hear me whisper 2 floors away standing next to the running washing machine.......<br />
"You wanna have sex tonight?"<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-39223173820751248942011-03-09T21:36:00.000-05:002011-03-09T21:36:14.587-05:00NOT a Mommy Blog - This Time!People tell me everything.<br />
I mean EVERYTHING.<br />
<br />
And not because we are lifelong friends. <br />
Just because.<br />
They may know me 5 minutes and I can pretty much tell you their life history or some secret they have been keeping.<br />
I meet a LOT of women. <br />
Many many many women.<br />
It is always the same - someone inexplicably tells me something.<br />
It happens at scrapbooking shows.<br />
It happens at the boys school.<br />
It happens at flippin' Walmart!<br />
Men, women, the old, the young just start yapping to me.<br />
<br />
My family thinks this is funny. <br />
Why? Cause they know me:<br />
I am a "Suck it up" kind of girl.<br />
"Shit or get off the pot." <br />
I am not by nature a hugger. <br />
I am not a kiss kiss on the cheek kind of gal.<br />
If there was a squirrel struggling on the side of the road for life.<br />
I would run it over again (put it out of its misery).<br />
I would NOT get out - pick it up - and nurse it back to life.<br />
But strangers don't seem to get that.<br />
<br />
I always thought I had a kickass "Bitch, what?" face.<br />
I thought I had it mastered.<br />
But now I think, sadly, it may defective.<br />
I was considering making myself a t-shirt.<br />
"I don't care."<br />
"No, really I don't want to know."<br />
"This means you."<br />
"Yes, you, who doesn't think it is you."<br />
"Walk away."<br />
<br />
So I guess it should come as no surprise when I tell you about some other experiences I have had.....<br />
<br />
I used to have a real job. You know 40 hours + per week where someone actually handed me a physical paycheck. During this time I started to commute with a co-worker. It made sense as it was a LONG drive. He worked for one of my peers.<br />
<br />
He was um, odd, lets just say. Highly intelligent. Socially inept. <br />
He didn't like most people. Except me (read above paragraphs - it is a gift).<br />
During this 120 minute commute per day we would chat. Ahem. About stuff.<br />
I was actually getting compliments from HIS coworkers during this time that I was making him more bearable.<br />
<br />
One day on the way home from work - my fate sealed in my ability to charm information from any source - he informs me that he and his wife (yes he is married) are swingers. <br />
My first thought was to look for a camera - or Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the car next to us. Cause I am sure I am being punked. <br />
<br />
WTF??? Are you kidding me?<br />
Nope. Dear God. He is not.<br />
And now visual images are racing thru my mind at light speed.<br />
Please for all that is holy - someone make the images stop!!<br />
Now you might be wondering why said car-mate was confessing such a secret.<br />
I would also like to tell you that I did NOT divulge any of this information to my fellow co-workers. Well I did years and years later after we had all left.<br />
But I say I get an A+ for keeping the mother of all secrets for soooooooooo long.<br />
<br />
Why would a coworker reveal such a secret?<br />
<br />
I have no recollection as to what I said. I just know that I was eternally thankful that it was my day to drive. <br />
My hands firmly grasped the wheel.<br />
My eyes focused on the road ahead. <br />
Desperately trying to not bust a gut laughing.<br />
Constructing lists as to who to tell first when I got to work.<br />
Further debating myself why it would be morally wrong to tell my coworkers.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">He says:</span> I am telling you this cause I find you attractive.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">My thought bubble:</span> Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">He says:</span> And we would like to get together with you.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">My thought bubble:</span> Holy shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Holy Shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">He says:</span> We started swinging because I am so LARGE that it physically hurts the wife to have sex with me.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">My thought bubble:</span> How large are you?!?! And still Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;">He says:</span> So I always feel bad having intercourse with the wife cause it hurts her. We swing so that she can have sex she can enjoy and I don't have to worry about her being in pain or causing her pain.<br />
<span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />
My thought bubble:</span> What? Wait. You are SO large that you physically hurt your wife but you want me cause you don't think you would hurt me? Cause I look like I could handle your ginormous member? What on earth would make you think that???? And wait - your wife wants to be with my hubby - cause you both think he is not well endowed?<br />
<br />
What the fuck?! Get out of my car!!!!<br />
<br />
Okay - that is not the end result. I politely turned him down and over the next few months got out of carpooling. I was a putting other lives in danger carpooling with Mr. Swinger. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult to drive and not sneak a peak to see if he had this LARGE member strapped to his leg. Such a monster should be visible thru jeans, no?<br />
<br />
Least you think this is an "odd" occurrence in my life, I have since been approached by 2 other couples at various points in my life. Told that they swing and would like to get together. <br />
<br />
People just like me. Blech.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-8371501959403352772011-01-31T13:18:00.000-05:002011-01-31T13:18:12.000-05:00New England and it is .................snowing................ AGAIN!You all know who Ron White is, yes? He is a comic genius - I love him. <br />
He drinks, smokes, swears on stage and is about as funny as you can get. <br />
His favorite saying is "You can't fix stupid." <br />
No, Ron, you can't.<br />
You can make fun of it, poke it in the eye, and swear at it.<br />
And I, Ron White, can blog about it.<br />
<br />
I first heard the word "clusterfuck" awhile ago and could not think of any event that I would categorize as so. But then the snow came....... and came........ and came....... and it keeps coming. And in the midst of all the white I have discovered the definition of clusterfuck.<br />
<br />
Clusterfuck I - It is a parking lot in Worcester, Massachusetts. <br />
It is the parking lot in which I need to drop off my toads for school.<br />
It is the B A N E of my existence.<br />
One Hugely Ginormous Clusterfuck.<br />
<br />
I have included my artistic rendition of the parking lot for you to reference. The swirly patterns represents the mounds and mounds of snow. The normal path of entry begins in the lower right hand corner and then you just follow the arrows. Up the street - (a) a left up a little hill into the actual lot. There you can either take a right and (b) go behind the school to the other parking lot (i.e. Clusterfuck part deux). Or you can go left making your way around the U of parked cars - stopping to drop kick the toads out of your vehicle - and then it is back out the way you came. It seems rudimentary, no? Ah, not so quick, my friends, this is New England where we have SNOW. <br />
Mix a little of the genius that is Ron White and voila - Clusterfuck I is born.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4ALIV6iw8QABCx_gUlgncIyRbQ-csHk0RvcN_IsvRFY9Kn98QDZSHIH7txXoaWEswkW0DWzC9CMT98ga0IHCha3hY0_5EiLpnnH2PqbfMgBHK6-nfVjWeSL1D1U2anhoYjjDlJX_olwQq/s1600/BoysSchoolDiagram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4ALIV6iw8QABCx_gUlgncIyRbQ-csHk0RvcN_IsvRFY9Kn98QDZSHIH7txXoaWEswkW0DWzC9CMT98ga0IHCha3hY0_5EiLpnnH2PqbfMgBHK6-nfVjWeSL1D1U2anhoYjjDlJX_olwQq/s320/BoysSchoolDiagram.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
In the interest of full disclosure the toads attend a school in another town. <br />
Yes - it was my choice. <br />
Yes - I love their school. <br />
No - I was not aware that I would be swimming in the shallow end of the pool when it came to the parking. <br />
And Yes (sadly) I in essence pay for admission to Clusterfuck I. <br />
<br />
<br />
<ul><li>The side street that you first turn onto has tons of snow banks and yet cars still park along them making this road essentially one lane. So you sometimes have to wait for people to come down so you can get up. But if you are a complete asshole you decide to try to go around me cause I have obviously stopped in the middle of the road for the sole purpose of pissing you off. That is to the jackass of this morning.</li>
<li>When you take your left up into the driveway it is vastly important that you start making this turn at least 400 feet from the actual turn cause ya know the street isn't narrow enough. Did ANYONE pay attention in driving school or geometry?? LEFT-HAND turns are suppose to be squared - not diagonal!!! </li>
<li>Make sure your tires are completely bald and useless so that you are not able to get up the little hill to get into the driveway. But you will try..... and try...... and try. Like the fly that continuously flys into glass. We all know that the 27th time is the sweet spot. It is okay - the rest of us will wait.</li>
<li>All drivers should be 6" or LESS away from the person they are in front of to ensure that everyone can be included in an accident. Cause we are all about inclusivity.</li>
<li>Once into the lot - you can choose to take your bald ass car up another hill and try to get around the back of the school. NOTE: When you don't make it up - the first time - it is imperative that you back up (keeping your car still on the hill) - and make the attempt at least 4-5 more times to ensure that traffic is sufficiently backed up.</li>
<li>Have you decided to go around the U? Great. Stop toward the front of the school and have your kids get out. Preferably in under 10 mins. I know I shouldn't expect them to be fully dressed, or have their back packs in order, or that you couldn't have finished your conversation in your drive to the school BUT could we try? Many many thanks - so sorry to inconvenience you.</li>
</ul><br />
<br />
RECENT EVENTS that led to the official designation of the Clusterfuck term:<br />
<br />
I dropped the kids off in the U and proceeded to come around to take my right down the little driveway and then another right back onto the side street. I came around to find a cadallic trying unsuccessfully to get up the little road behind the school. There is now a backup of cars trying to get into the lot off of the side road. There is a car parked in the very last spot head first in front of a snow bank making it close to impossible to make the right turn but I'm gonna try. Oh - not so fast...... NOW the person behind the first person waiting for the cadallic to get up the hill comes AROUND them into what would be my exit lane. And we all know what sheep do right? Yes - that is right the sheep of cars behind that one FOLLOW. So now there are effectively 2 rows of cars coming IN to the lot. For all you math genius' - that means there is NO exit lane. ONE smart person has stopped on their way into the parking lot from the street so there is a narrow opening BUT the woman parked in the last spot (C) needs to leave as the path is thru her spot. She has been in her car (on her cell) since I pulled in to the lot. Then I see <strike>a light from heaven</strike> her back up lights come on. Notice where her car is (C on the diagram). If there was no snow she could drive straight down over the sidewalk. So she barely needs to back up.<br />
<br />
And we wait.<br />
And wait.<br />
Can you hear the horns?<br />
And we wait.<br />
<br />
I now happily (gritting my teeth can so look like a smile) get out of my car and gently (strictly a matter of interpretation) tap on her window. I politely ask her if she plans on backing up. <br />
"You are blocking me." she says.<br />
I, looking at 10' of space behind her, sweetly (thru my gritted teeth) inform her that she has plenty of room.<br />
"I don't want to hit you." she says.<br />
Really? Funny that was my thought to. Huh.<br />
I assure her that I will not let that happen. <br />
<br />
It takes her approx. 3.5 sec to backup and have enough room to get around the snow bank and out of the driveway. Her and I drive down the side road sideways up on the snowbank as the rest of the incoming traffic has formed an impromptu Car Cha-Cha Dance. You do know when their is a traffic jam that you are suppose to get as close as possible to the car in front of you, right?? That is to allow more cars into the traffic jam which increases everyone's enjoyment exponentially.<br />
<br />
And then TODAY we all got to BACK UP around the U ....... WHILE people were still trying to come in to drop off their kids because 2 cars decided to park in spots D & E (see map - the lower right hand side of the parking lot) so no one had room to get all the way around the U.<br />
<br />
Do you doubt now that this is a ginormous Clusterfuck?<br />
<br />
I posted on Facebook the other day something like:<br />
"This is New England folks ~ we get snow ~ it should not take me 80 minutes to go 15 miles."<br />
<br />
The traffic was GRIDLOCKED. It took someone else from my town THREE hours to go 12 miles (on Route 9 - a main road that runs the width of the state). Is that reasonable?? Don't tell me that 3 hours or 3X a normal commute is reasonable when the roads are a little slippery. It is not. Not here. It is a handful of folks on the road that create an utter clusterfuck for the rest of us. No - you can't do the speed limit but I shouldn't be able to walk faster than you are driving.<br />
<br />
So in an effort to save my sanity I have devised a test to determine if one should drive in snow:<br />
<br />
If you agree with any of these statements then stay the hell OFF the roads when it snows:<br />
<br />
a) OMG!! - New England is so pretty - and it snows here! I have NEVER seen snow.<br />
b) I am scared to drive in that white stuff! People are going more than 10MPH that can't be safe!<br />
c) Snow tires? Honey I don't change my tires until they blow out. <br />
d) My car gets great gas mileage - it is really really small, close to the ground, and super light. The manufacturer recommends that it not be driven if winds will exceed 10 knots....... or up really big hills. Oh wait - in small print it says "not good for snow........ or rain....... drive only when sunny". Huh. <br />
<br />
Oh wait - how about a SNOW DRIVING COURSE / TEST?<br />
<br />
Nah - that's not gonna work. <br />
<br />
Why????<br />
<br />
CAUSE YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!!!<br />
<br />
Hugs (and patience) ~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-26714792278148228682011-01-14T20:31:00.000-05:002011-01-14T20:31:57.415-05:002 Views on PricelessMy boys are only 27 months apart but sometimes that seems like a lifetime. <br />
<br />
They are very different physically. I have been asked on several occasions<br />
"Do they have the same father?"<br />
To which I respond in a whisper "I think so." Then I give the <strike> idiot</strike> person a look that says "this is just between you and me" and walk away.<br />
<br />
Their personalities are just as diverse.....<br />
<br />
<i>After I told them that Nana broke her wrist:</i> <br />
J-Toad - "Can I get back on my computer now?"<br />
Z-Toad - "Can we go see her so I can give her a hug?"<br />
*Once we were at Nana's house Z-Toad put his hand on her cast and blessed her (doing the sign of the cross).* <br />
<br />
<i>When I ran over a squirrel:</i><br />
J-Toad - "You should run it over again."<br />
Z-Toad - "Shouldn't you go back and take it to the vegetarian?"<br />
<br />
<i>After they are punished (this occurs right after my head spins around):</i><br />
J-Toad - Um - Nothing - he usually sends in his brother to <strike>suck up</strike> make nice with me.<br />
Z-Toad - "Mom, I love you big whole bunches."<br />
<br />
<i>After we dropped off toys to a house that supports kids with cancer:</i><br />
J-Toad - "Can we catch it now?"<br />
Z-Toad - "Do you think we could go back and I could play with some of the sick kids?"<br />
<br />
<i>When I say to them "Look at me when I talk to you":</i><br />
J-Toad: ROLLS his eyes until I swear they are looking out the back of his head.<br />
Z-Toad: "I am looking at you my beautiful mother."<br />
<br />
<br />
Before Christmas, the boys school holds <strike>another event to suck in money</strike> the Christmas Fair. The kids are encouraged to bring in money and purchase presents for family members. I, as the parent, can send in a list of people they should buy for and how much money should be spent on each item. Items range from .50 to $5.00. I sent them both in with $5 and told them they could figure it out. <br />
<br />
J-Toad: Came home with 20 candy canes (.25 each) for himself. And a bell on a ribbon around his neck that he made in class. <br />
Z-Toad: Came home with a present for J-Toad and TWO presents for me. He was beside himself and begged me everyday to just open his presents.<br />
<br />
So when Christmas Day came, Z-Toad looked like he would internally combust if I did not open his gifts first. And - TADA!!!! - here it is. Z-Toad made sure to point out that both are in my favorite color! <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh52Z4iCQAci0mMFBOqaii0wO7QErtbBaTXI8AePBc4fW8qskA66oe7GEnaNesyf1viE1fJKpkcT8VAPB0_5B3ZTyL5lhAzY4ROKaiC18MNvM1jeyd1UQYcE_uBBSI4UeVyENTjjnK5dBNz/s1600/IMG_0432.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh52Z4iCQAci0mMFBOqaii0wO7QErtbBaTXI8AePBc4fW8qskA66oe7GEnaNesyf1viE1fJKpkcT8VAPB0_5B3ZTyL5lhAzY4ROKaiC18MNvM1jeyd1UQYcE_uBBSI4UeVyENTjjnK5dBNz/s320/IMG_0432.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
I know you all be hating on me - jealous bitches - all this for just $3 - who is stylin' now?? <br />
The ring is perfect for any finger as it comes complete with a pinch clasp!<br />
<br />
Yes - I wore them all day.<br />
Yes - My finger and ears turned green also. But it is my favorite color so WIN!<br />
Yes - Zachary lifted my hair most of the day - even suggested a haircut - to see the earrings. <br />
Priceless!<br />
<br />
J-Toad feeling somewhat guilty for not purchasing anything for anyone gave me this card:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiaqr-lwY2Y3fYtZrH2m5cAX4qQZC-kIq0cx6gxhncS6kQq4AfOzju0GDRg-qM5g2iyYYbk-i1B-QXKKo_MOwE_-S3k-d7jAALNMR5WX_Dz5QHHN3XZygprmPXRcZBb-Zc0HyNvwG5My3G/s1600/IMG_0433.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiaqr-lwY2Y3fYtZrH2m5cAX4qQZC-kIq0cx6gxhncS6kQq4AfOzju0GDRg-qM5g2iyYYbk-i1B-QXKKo_MOwE_-S3k-d7jAALNMR5WX_Dz5QHHN3XZygprmPXRcZBb-Zc0HyNvwG5My3G/s320/IMG_0433.JPG" width="239" /></a></div>Can someone tell me why my Christmas Card looks like a One-Armed Demon Valentine with Antennas?<br />
Inside the card was the bell on the ribbon that he made in class. <br />
The item that cost him $0.<br />
Technically making his Christmas present to me also<br />
Priceless.<br />
<br />
<br />
Happy 2011!<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-73869188937636728292010-12-23T13:35:00.000-05:002010-12-23T13:35:16.483-05:00Christmas Presents from School<b></b><br />
<b>Z-Toad (1st Grade): </b><br />
Z-Toad's class all mailed home Christmas Cards. The card is entitled My Wish For You.<br />
Z-Toad wrote:<br />
I wish my Mom and Dad good luck (<i style="color: purple;">um, sure, we could use that!</i>). I wish Mom to Not to wev (<i style="color: purple;">a statement designed purely to guilt me! He doesn't mind me leaving as long as he gets to come</i>). Yes or No (<span style="color: purple;"> I guess I am suppose to circle and return</span>)? So we can b a famay (<span style="color: purple;">I guess it does not count as a family if the mom leaves ever as Daddy goes to work everyday and that doesn't seem to be a problem.</span>).<br />
<br />
<b>J-Toad (3rd Grade):</b><br />
J-Toad's class built little mini houses and they had to write about their house.<br />
J-Toad wrote:<br />
<br />
The House Rated PG 13 (<span style="color: purple;">I am not sure what to be concerned about - That J-Toad thinks his life is a movie or that our house is not okay for those under 13 without parental supervision??</span>)<br />
I like my house alot (<span style="color: purple;">great so does the bank</span>). I like my house alot because of the computer room and the computer (<span style="color: purple;">good to know that us breathing humans are such an integral part of your life</span>).<br />
I like my computer because I get to play World of Warcraft, Roblox, and FusionFall. Plus I get to sit in my epic computer chair so soft (<span style="color: purple;">the word "epic" will soon be banned in this house</span>). I also like my yard outside. My yard is huge (<span style="color: purple;">no it is not - under 1/2 acre</span>) and it has climbing dome on it (<span style="color: purple;">that you have been on twice</span>). We also have a shed that has the lawnmower, some toys, rats (<span style="color: purple;">also not true - they are little field mice</span>), and posters so it is a mess. We also love when Mom makes something Z-Toad and I like to call brownies (<span style="color: purple;">they are in fact brownies - this is not some code word for something else</span>). Brownies are the rich chocalaty taste you'll never outgrow (<span style="color: purple;">perhaps a marketing future?</span>). Then in the computer room we have our epic Christmas tree with a ton of lights (<span style="color: purple;">out of the box with preinstalled lights - I must agree this invention is EPIC!</span>). I have 10 presents and Z-Toad has 9 because his are larger than mine (<span style="color: purple;">A fact that J-Toad has felt the need to point on daily to Z-Toad. In fact, Mommy lost count and refused to do anymore shopping</span>). Our Christmas tree is in the basement so Dad has to get it out of there in the dark cold basement of DOOM (<span style="color: purple;">the basement is 1/2 finished and as far as I know nothing doom-worthy has ever occurred</span>). In our bedroom we have bunk beds that are so totally epic (<span style="color: purple;">J-Toad's bed is close to the ceiling fan so he must duck and dodge the spinning fins - a real life video game</span>). I have a DS that broke but I'm going to get me a DSI xl bundle hopefully (<span style="color: purple;">Ho Ho Ho!</span>). My favorite food is meatloaf but mom doesn't make it much anymore and Zachary's super glad! (<span style="color: purple;">guilty - I have not made it in ages cause I am old and get tired of arguing with Z-Toad to eat his dinner</span>). I like this story because it is so totally epic (<span style="color: purple;">yes, J-Toad,</span> <span style="color: purple;">it is totally wicked radical, man</span>).Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-20734845116330673702010-12-17T13:41:00.000-05:002010-12-17T13:41:21.096-05:00More Gems from Z-Toad.....On the way home from school Z-Toad told me that he wanted me to have a baby. He said it was because he wanted to have a baby sister.<br />
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.<br />
Yeah.<br />
NO! <br />
I think my 44 year old body collectively shuddered at the thought.<br />
Z-Toad said "Mom, God wants you to have another baby." <br />
<br />
<i style="color: purple;">Who the hell thought it was a good idea to send these children to Catholic school? Seriously $600 per month for sex education?? I swear if he starts quoting "go forth and multiply...." </i><br />
<br />
How was I going to tell him that God had already let me know that I was in fact done? See once you start getting gray hair um, not on your head, that is officially God's way of sticking a fork in you. <br />
<br />
And more stretch marks? One can already map out most of the US highway systems on my belly. Who the hell needs a Tom-Tom when we have Roadmap Mama! She talks, does laundry, makes dinner, nags, bitches, and comes complete with her own map. Never get lost again!<br />
<br />
And then the conversation continued:<br />
<br />
J-Toad: "No - we don't want anymore kids - that would mean less for us." <br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;">Yeah I know I should have done the mom speech about sharing but I didn't. Instead </span></i> <br />
Me: That's right Z-Toad - you would get less presents at Christmas. Babies cost a lot of money and a baby would take a lot of my time. Which would take more time away from you.<br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;"> I'm taking the express train to hell. Toot - Toot. All Aboard</span></i><span style="color: purple;">.</span><br />
<br />
Z-Toad: "All you have to do is kiss Daddy."<br />
<i style="color: purple;">Damn - you mean I didn't have to do all that other stuff? Wait until I see your father.</i><br />
<br />
J-Toad: "No Z-Toad it is more complicated than that."<br />
Z-Toad: "Oh, yeah, Mom you have to have S-E-X, right?"<br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;">Hold up - I spend hours and hours spelling trick words with this little shit and he still can't friggin spell AS without tapping it out - but SEX he can spell?!? </span></i><br />
J-Toad: "You don't even know what sex is, Z-Toad"<br />
Z-Toad: "Yes I do"<br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;">OH. DEAR. GOD. I'm a good person - okay well I could be worse. Anyway, I don't usually ask for anything but do you think it would be too much to whip up a tornado? Maybe a sudden hail storm? How about some locusts and frogs? Can't you do that? Anything that will distract this conversation...... Please..... </span></i><br />
<br />
Z-Toad: "It is when you get naked and get on top of one another."<br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;"> I think I am hyperventilating. Maybe if I pretend pass out and make like we are going to crash?</span></i><br />
Z-Toad: "And then you touch pee-pee's"<br />
<i style="color: purple;">WHAT????? Holy Shit. How? What? Am I still driving? Seriously what am I being punished for?</i><br />
Z-Toad: "Is that close, Mom?"<br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;">Mom??? Who the hell is he talking too? Oh Yeah me. Shit. Seven - he is 7 - this is not the time for that talk, um, right? Well shit I am 44 and this is SO not the right time for me. Um............. </span> </i><br />
<br />
J-Toad: "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross."<br />
<i> <span style="color: purple;">And ding ding we have a winner.... Goooooooooooooooooooooooo J-Toad!!! Way to come in and rescue the day. </span></i><br />
Z-Toad: "I know I know - I was just joking."<br />
<br />
<br />
Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-35166215612049554432010-11-23T22:02:00.000-05:002010-11-23T22:02:54.124-05:00What I Am Thankful For.......<ol><li>I am thankful to my neighbor for hanging not 1, not 2, but THREE wind chimes on their back deck which happen to face my master bedroom window. My day is so much more productive when I am awaken at 5 AM. Remote starting your car and listening to the engine wind has saved me the trouble of setting a back-up alarm for 5:30. Letting the dogs out at 6 AM is a great final reminder to get up. Thank You.</li>
<li>I am thankful to my husband for still NOT removing the air conditioner in the master bedroom so that the stink bugs have somewhere safe and warm to escape to before winter sends them to their death. Perhaps we could forego the screens next summer so the wasps and bees could build their hives inside?</li>
<li>I am thankful to wake up every morning when I fall into the toilet cause one of the boys has failed to put the seat back down. Well, actually I AM thankful that my ass is still small enough to do that ;)</li>
<li>I am thankful for a Dunkin Donuts who has thought of several creative ways to fulfill my morning iced coffee with milk and sugar order. It is a unique approach to customer service. Oh - and extra kudos for those mornings when you forget to include the straw!</li>
<li>I am thankful to my husband for being so considerate of my time so as to not waste it on silly things like foreplay. "Well the kids are asleep" is all the encouragement I need.</li>
<li>I am thankful for the car, pellet stove, and TV all breaking in one week so I could easily balance my checkbook to zero. Having to add and subtract a bunch of numbers is just too much work.</li>
<li>I am thankful for Z-Toad being such a loving child so that he shares every cold, cough, and sniffle he gets with me. It is great that he is only sick for a few days and that I get to keep his "love" much longer.</li>
<li>I am also thankful for Z-Toad ratting me out to the cop when I was pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew the speed limit. I said "no". Z-Toad loudly spoke up "Mommy I just told you that the speed limit was 30 and you said it didn't matter." Glad to see my "Be Honest" lessons have been heard. Although - "Stay away from the hot stove", "use your fork to eat", "GO get a tissue", and "we don't do that in front of anyone" have been universally ignored.</li>
<li>I am thankful for J-Toad being so smart that after having BMI explained to him he exclaimed "Wow, mom yours must be like 90" to the room. I am also thankful that J-Toad is capable of "reading" my bitch-face quickly and recanted his statement before Child Welfare needed to be called. </li>
<li>Lastly I am thankful for all this wonderful technology. Without I-phones, I-pads, X-Box's, Wii's, laptops, World of Warcraft, DS, Facebook, etc..... why we might have to {shudder} speak to one another. Um - other than. "Do you remember my password?", "Can you put your headphones on?", "Daddy how do I get to Dalaran?" and "Why can't I take my I-Pod into the bathroom?" </li>
</ol>Hope everyone has a Very Happy Thanksgiving!!! I am very thankful to have such a wonderful family that gives me plenty of material to blog about!!<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-61527677318962513412010-11-08T21:15:00.000-05:002010-11-08T21:15:33.571-05:00I Am A Very Lucky PersonYou know how you have friends who win the lottery, raffle tickets, or pretty much anything based on chance? Yeah, that is not me. It could be you and me in a drawing. I could have 3,450,345 tickets and you could have one. Your name would be the one pulled. I am not bitter. Cause today I figured out that I am in fact truly lucky where it counts. My kids are still alive despite me leaving them with Mr. Toad for extended periods of time. It is miraculous really. Three humans each with a Y chromosome left to their own devices coming out alive on the other end. It can only be described as L U C K!<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Mr. Toad decided to play capture the flag with the young ones. He wanted something white to put around his neck that the children would need to try and capture. What is white in your house?? Did you say a t-shirt? A simple cotton t-shirt - how could that be dangerous - silly - try again. How about a towel? Good guess but no cause that would have meant walking up and then back down 13 steps. Hint: Think Kitchen. How about a trash bag? A plastic trash bag with one of those drawstring ties? How could kids not have fun with that? I walked in to find my oldest with it over his head. Cue screaming mom. Dad said it was okay. </li>
<li>How about a good old-fashioned game of blind man's bluff. Mr. Toad is blindfolded and he has to try to find the kids. How would you blindfold yourself? How about a pillowcase over your head?? And just for good measure why not play on the second floor in the hall near the stairs. Don't say that we don't know how to live dangerously! Cue screaming mom. Dad said it was okay.</li>
<li>I came home late one night after a show. About 3AM J-Toad is throwing up in the toilet. And of course who does he wake to go thru this with him - MOM!!! So I feel bad - rubbing his back - holding back my own gag reflexes when I figure out that he ate the POUND AND A HALF of grapes that were JUST bought a few hours ago. Where was your father? He was playing on his computer. Need I tell you who spent the rest of the night with the sick child?</li>
</ul><ul><li>And just to drive the point home that you can NOT teach an old dog new tricks. This just replayed itself out shortly after Halloween when J-Toad consumed 1/2 bag of smarties while I was out that night. Men do not have any common sense - no matter the size, age, or supposed braindom.</li>
<li>We recently moved a broken TV into another room to await its eminent disposal. I told the kids to NOT climb on top of it (cause, um, they are boys, it looks tall and foreboding, they are boys, it is not stable, they are boys, and as the only XX in the house I am the only voice of reason). J-Toad says "oh - I climb on top of the TV in the toy room all the time." What?!?! "You can't do that" I yell like the crazy neurotic mom that I am. J-Toad retorts: "Well Daddy sees me do it all the time and he doesn't say anything." Even after all I have come to know and learn about Mr. Toad, I yelled back at him "Don't lie to me!". Ya know where this is going right? Yes, Daddy did in fact know about it and no he didn't tell him to stop. Why Why Why? I ask. "I don't want to coddle them and act like they need to where a helmet for everything". Yeah - I got nothing anymore. Does it surprise anyone that any male makes it past the age of 10?</li>
<li>And lastly - my current favorite..... Mr. Toad told me to go upstairs the other night to have some alone time and he would take care of the kids. Yes, I know, I fell for it. I was tired. I was sick. What can I say? I have no excuses. I came downstairs 2 hours later to find Z-Toad in what I, being the neurotic XX of the house, would call a precarious position (you will recall from an earlier post that Z-Toad is the child that had the Mac-N-Cheese incident and was in the ER with 3rd degree burns. You will also recall that I was not the parent involved. I am just sayin'). We have a pellet stove - no it does not have a gate around it cause I have a 46, 9, and 7 year old that I was pretty sure, up until this day, understood that a STOVE gets HOT and when it is HOT that it can BURN so - follow me now cause I am going to take a huge step here - as a result one should STAY THE FUCK AWAY from it. Holy Hell. There is Z-Toad in only his underwear STANDING on a chair INCHES away from the stove. WHY? Well it seems he was cold. All 3 of my Y chromosomed humans look at me with a unified "DUH" look - just moments away from a collective grunt and ball scratch. Cue my WTF look at Mr. Toad. "Well I didn't want to send him upstairs to get more clothes and disturb you." Nothing - and I mean nothing - says I Love You like sacrificing a loved one in favor of another.</li>
</ul>Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-28011127457102575722010-11-02T12:43:00.000-04:002010-11-02T12:43:57.124-04:00Some Funnies & {Gulp} Political Nonsense!I am not in a particularly good mood today. I took both kids for their yearly physicals. Z-Toad asked the doctor why "he was playing with his balls?" "And, how come his is so much bigger than his brothers?" I in turn asked the pediatrician when the filter between his mouth and brain would mature. The outlook was not good. He is after all male.<br />
<br />
Both boys are mainly fine. J-Toad has to see a geneticist (he has some odd things) and an orthopedist for his feet/ankles. Both children flunked their eye exams. Nice. We won't talk about the $400 we just spent on J-Toad's glasses like 6 months ago. I told Mr. Toad that we should just get them dollar sign costumes for next year. Oi.<br />
<br />
To top it off I have this nasty cold/flu/virus thing that my lovely Z-Toad gave to me from one his snot-nosed little classmates. I blamed him for my misery and I told him that. So there - take that to therapy when you are older. Z-Toad told me it was my own fault for loving him so much - too many hugs and kisses. Huh. Take a lesson mom's: even when doing the right thing we will be blamed. <br />
<br />
Now on to politics........ Cause today is the day to be heard (cough cough phlegm phlegm). I am sick to death (no pun intended) of the stupid ads, sick of people posting little political gems on their facebook walls, sick of all the lunatics waving at me when I drive (I seriously considered swerving taking out a bunch of them). Do they think that matters? If your decision making is based upon which lunatic can jump up and down the most or wave at you the most frantically - <b>Dear God Please Do NOT Vote</b>. <br />
<br />
And Do NOT robocall me. Just DON'T do it. Even if you are the candidate I like it makes me want to pluck my eyes out. It would be interesting to see a study on how many people actually listen to the whole call - like maybe 1%. Um, this should NOT be a government sponsored survey. It is a joke. If you are the moron who developed this telephonic nightmare - <b>Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.</b><br />
<br />
My candidate(s) sucks. period. And so does yours. Both have said sucky things, have done sucky things, and, guess what, will continue to do sucky things no matter what they say/do/act now. You realize it is all just a game of who has done the least offensible things? My candidate only cheated on his wife while yours cheated 1,000's out of money. TIME OUT - both of you suck! None of them can get where they are (read: monies) without owing various people / groups a myriad of things. None of them give a rats ass about you or your family. They all have skeletons - be careful about throwing stones cause they will be picked up and thrown right back. Cynical I know. Are you stupid enough to believe that you will get a free house or anything else they promise if they are elected? Then <b>Dear God Please Do NOT Vote. </b><br />
<br />
You are NOT a Democrat, Republican, Tea Party or whatever. NO ONE can agree 100% with their party - NOT possible. If you tell me you are 100% whatever than you are incapable of having a coherent thought on your own. Everyone should be a registered Independent and NONE of the candidates should have a little symbol next to their name. How about just a checklist of questions/answers from each of them? Like when you want compare products on Amazon. Even then I doubt you will not find a SINGLE candidate that you will agree 100% of the time. You picked your spouse cause you had so much in common - do you agree with them 100% of time?? And some of you have picked several spouses and been wrong every time. <b>Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.</b><br />
<br />
If you vote Republican or Democrat based upon which animal you like the best. <b> Dear God Please Do NOT Vote. </b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
If you picked your candidate based only on what Glenn Beck has said<b>, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.</b><br />
<b><br />
</b><br />
If you picked your candidate based upon the "comedic" satire of Joy Behar<b>, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.</b><br />
<br />
<br />
Your politics will change over time - based upon your own life and what is most important to you at that time. I do not consider myself politically savvy - who the hell has the time?. I catch what I can and go from there. I do believe that most people do not know exactly what they are. They are either the political party of their parents or have been the same political party forever! Political parties have changed/evolved over time and it may be time to get reacquainted with what exactly each stands for. There are plenty of websites you can go to find out where you fall on the political spectrum. Some of you will be surprised. <br />
<br />
I got 57% Republican and 43% Democrat. I think it was pretty accurate:<br />
<br />
I believe in smaller government<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> (live by Keep It Simple Stupid. Bigger = more potential corruption)</span></i><br />
Stop fucking around with my constitutional rights. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> If you wander in my house at midnight it is my right to blow your head off.</i></span><br />
Balance the damn budget <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(I can't spend more than what I earn so either should you)</i></span>.<br />
Provide help to those who truly need it<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> (do not make it more attractive to be a sloth)</i></span>.<br />
Stop the profit driven Go Green campaign. <br />
Ensure that everyone is treated fairly. <br />
Adopt a flat tax so everyone pays the same amount. Period. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>No exemptions/deductions/loopholes. Your welcome I just eliminated the IRS.</i></span><br />
Drill for friggin oil off our shores.<br />
Put up the damn windmills.<br />
Let gay people get married. <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Why shouldn't they <strike>suffer</strike> enjoy marriage like anyone in love?</span></i><br />
Set Term Limits <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(to serve in office is suppose to be a altruistic not a way of lining your own pocket)</i></span>.<br />
Protect this country - invest in the military.<br />
If you are here and illegal - make yourself legal - work hard and enjoy the American dream. <br />
Protect our borders. A fence - a moat - a bubble - whatever just do it.<br />
This is America - Buck the Fuck Up - Hard Work Should Be Rewarded.<br />
<br />
If you want/expect a free ride, get the hell out.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Please, Dear God, exercise your right to be heard and VOTE!</b><br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-42396560507597877112010-10-27T11:30:00.000-04:002010-10-27T11:30:30.933-04:00Facts of Life....... and Duct Tape!Mr. Toad comes home the other night and tells me that talk radio (cause that's the way he rolls) says we should already be talking to our kids about the "Facts of Life". Giving them all the correct terminology and explaining how tab 1 fits into slot 1.<br />
<br />
A couple of things about Mr. Toad: a) I say at least once a week just cause you heard it somewhere or read it somewhere does it make true or applicable to us, b) If you ask Mr. Toad to explain something you better want the ENTIRE answer. Abridged is not in his vocabulary. The little toads will sometimes preface a question with "Dad please the short version". I glaze over after 2 minutes so I hope that all relevant information is given to me with than 120 second window. And c) Mr. Toad's idea of the Facts of Life talk is get as much as you can, as often as can without catching anything or procreating. I am sure in Mr. Toad's head he can picture all of them high -five'ing each other while reliving tales of sexual exploits. That line between parent and friend being somewhat blurry for him.<br />
<br />
It is not that J & Z Toad are shy, they ask questions ALL the time. Luckily they have only questioned me cause if Mr. Toad were to explain they would be qualified to teach sex ed (and probably most of your husbands). <i> Hmmmmmm - I think I inadvertently gave Mr. Toad a compliment.</i><br />
<br />
On the way home from school Z-Toad informed me that lunch time conversation included sex. <br />
Me: What is sex?<br />
Z-Toad: You know when you make out and stuff.<br />
Me: Define stuff?<br />
Z-Toad: You know everyone is naked and the girl tells the boy to get on the bed and she gets on top.<br />
Me: <i>*I think I may have fainted but we are still on the road. Although next time I may seriously consider hitting a tree as a way of stopping conversations I am not prepared for.*</i><br />
J-Toad: Z, you keep your underwear on!!.<br />
Me: <i>*Note: Ahhhh J-Toad to the rescue - you've always been my favorite*</i><br />
Z-Toad: Oh yeah I know. But not the girl's bra cause ya know boobs!!!<br />
**giggle giggle snort** <br />
Me: So does anyone have homework???<br />
<i style="color: red;">Editor's Note: Evidently a classmate of Z-Toad, SexBoy, saw his parents and I assume that the mom in that house is the dom as she tells her hubby to get on the bed. Just cause, ya know , I didn't want y'all thinking something else. Just wanna make sure we are clear.</i> <br />
<br />
Fast forward a few days later also on the way home from school:<br />
Z-Toad: (out of the blue) So where do babies come out?<br />
J-Toad: They come out the mommy's butt<br />
Me: <i>* J-Toad - you little shit - you are so NOT my favorite*</i><br />
Cue lots of laughter and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww butt jokes. Gotta love boys.<br />
Me: God gave women another hole just for babies to come out.<br />
Z-Toad: Did God give girls that hole instead of a pee-pee.<br />
Me: Um....... well..............girls can have babies - boys can't - and girls don't have pee-pee.<br />
Z-Toad: Can I see your baby hole when we get home?<br />
Me: NO!!!! I think we are done for today.<br />
J-Toad: Z - it is near mommy's private parts so you can't see it.<br />
Z-Toad: Mommy - you can put duct tape over your pee-pee so we can't see that and then we can see the baby hole.<br />
<br />
DUCT TAPE???? <br />
Oh. Dear. God.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hugs-<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-28289859024661899142010-10-22T09:51:00.000-04:002010-10-22T09:51:47.084-04:00Payback!Today started off like any other - the Toads jumping out of their beds eager to start the day and get ready for school. Sitting at the table, laughing and talking with each other, as I, June Cleaver whipped up a batch of pancakes to give the joys of my life a hot hardy breakfast before school...............<br />
<br />
Yeah - right. You all believed that right?? I think I was that delusional when I thought about life with my future kids. So. Not. True.<br />
<br />
I get up and get ready first (this includes showering, dressing, face, emptying the dishwasher, checking on any orders, folding laundry, oh wait and of course my 5 mile run on my treadmill & properly waking Mr. Toad). I will leave you to figure out which things are most probably true in that last statement. Then it is time to wake the toads. J- Toad is first. I literally pull him out of bed, stand him and send him off to the bathroom where he attempts to pee into the toilet with his eyes closed. Then I brush his teeth (yes I still do cause he would brush them for 2 seconds and my dental hygenist totally appreciates that I still brush them - don't ya??). Then I send him back to his room to put his uniform on (which was laid out the night before).<br />
<br />
Now it is time for Z-Toad. Z-Toad will WHINE and MOAN the whole time, kind of like a husband only shorter with a higher pitched voice. The bathroom ritual is repeated with him as well but I wet his hair in the morning (his is naturally curly so because they shower the night before his hair looks like a brillo pad). He HATES to brush his teeth so it takes like 5 minutes for him to get himself "ready" for me to brush them. I send him off to get naked, put jammies in the washer, and then help him with his uniform.<br />
<br />
Back to J-Toad who is now dressed...... like a hobo - the shirt is not tucked in - the collar is half in and half out - and the hair is a tangled mess. I make J-Toad presentable.<br />
<br />
Everyone now downstairs where the standard breakfast is toast with peanut butter (with the crust cut off for Z-Toad and LIGHTLY toasted or both toads will refuse to eat). I then must say every 5 minutes "Eat your breakfast. We have to leave." Then they have about 15 mins. before I or carpool mom (who reads my blog - she is wonderful wonderful person!!) must leave. <br />
<br />
This morning Z-Toad decides to have a meltdown in the lego bin about not being able to bring toys to school. Car pool mom is in the driveway waiting.... waiting..... waiting. Z-Toad is still not getting out of the lego bin. After a very calm discussion, Z-Toad gets out of the lego bin flinging lego's at me and across the room. Yeah - not so good - that gets him a quick boof upside the head. Z-Toad is just a touch melodramatic (from his father's side) and that starts the water works. I take him out to carpool mom - he is not happy - I am not happy - carpool mom has "oh shit" look on face. Although Z-Toad is able to stop crying long enough to show carpool mom (who is our dental hygenist) his missing tooth.<br />
<br />
I phone car pool mom to check on him. Car pool mom has already pumped the little one for all the info but he would not rat me out . J-Toad was more than happy to volunteer info that Z-Toad was a brat and mom boofed him. Car pool mom says that maybe he should be a good boy (cause carpool mom rocks and has my back). Everyone is laughing when they are dropped off in the schoolyard at like 8:40. The bell rings at 8:50.<br />
<br />
My phone rings at 9:01 and I see the name of the school on my called ID. OMG - I think did Z-Toad tell someone that mom boofed him upside the head and the school is calling???? Friggin' do-gooders. Wait till I see him. Crap. I pick up the phone and it is the nurse. She says Z-Toad got hurt from 2 kids chasing him but he should be fine to stay in school they will watch him for any sign of a concussion. Um- yeah - no - I go to pick him up.<br />
<br />
It looks pretty bad. He says a couple of his brother's classmates were at fault. Apparently there is a game called "roll you over" where kids with rollers on their backpacks try to roll them up and over another kid. Doesn't that sound nice?? The principal takes Z-Toad to the classroom to find out who was at fault. Once at the classroom the principal asks J-Toad who did this to his brother. J-Toad actually RATS OUT his friends!!!!! This is huge people as J-Toad usually considers Z-Toad to be a lower life form. So I high-five him for doing the right thing (not in the classroom!).<br />
<br />
Z-Toad -my mush monster - says to him "J-Toad you mean you really do love me?". J-Toad is now exasperated and most probably rethinking his decision to rat out the friends. He finally admits that he loves his brother. Of course Z-Toad does not know when to stop and says "So you love me but do you like me, J-Toad?" Now J-Toad is completely done "mom make him stop". <br />
<br />
Z-Toad also informed me that what happened was payback cause I boofed him that morning. That made me feel like shit and it took car pool mom's thoughts to see the situation correctly. Hey Z-Toad you know how you said it was payback? "Yes - cause you were mean to me this morning" he says all indignant. "Do you think it was payback for you being fresh? Cause buddy I am not the one that got trampled by a backpack and fell on my face. <br />
<br />
Oh. I'm sorry he says.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-42394993609287679182010-10-18T19:32:00.000-04:002010-10-18T19:32:55.179-04:00I Just Don't Get ItI read/watch/listen to the news usually everyday (shocking, no?). And sometimes there is a story that just makes you say WTF? Even though it affects absolutely no aspect of my life whatsoever it just got under my skin. <br />
<br />
Gloria Allred is representing the family of Katharina Brow who are suing Hillary Swank for the making of her new movie Conviction. Let me nutshell this...... Katharina Brow was murdered in 1980. Kenneth Waters was WRONGLY convicted of her murder and was finally released when better DNA testing proved it was not him. Katharina Bow's family does not dispute any of this - Kenneth Waters was wrongly convicted while the true killer walked free. <br />
<br />
Gloria,<i> I will do anything for a buck and to get in front of the camera</i>, is suing Hillary Swank who directed and starred in the movie because "no proper respect or compassion has been shown by Ms. Swank for the murder victim and her family". The family has stated they are hurt the movie didn't care about the victim. They say this because they were not contacted during the making of the movie. <br />
<br />
Let me state the obvious, it is absolutely tragic that this woman was murdered and the damage/hurt/pain done to her family irreparable . No one would wish this kind of tragedy to befall anyone. Katharina Brow is a victim as are her survivors. We can all feel for them BUT the movie is NOT about her. It is in fact about a second victim - the one who spent 20 years in jail wrongly convicted of the crime - Kenneth Waters. <b>They are both victims of a tragic event</b>. The movie is about the fight of the Water's family (specifically his sister whom Swank portrays) to clear his name.<br />
<br />
The movie spends a fraction of time on the actual crime. That is not the story they are telling. The story is about a man losing 20 years of his life and the ordeals his sister went through to find the truth and free her brother. I wonder if what is truly at the basis of the Brow's hurt is that the movie was not about their victim. Hollywood loves a good story - and Kenneth Water's sisters story has it in spades.<br />
<br />
As much as it hurts the Brow family, the murder itself is almost a footnote - the precipice of what changed this man's life forever. The movie is not about Katharina. I don't think Hillary Swank or anyone associated with the movie owes the Bow family anything. Could they have included them in their research. Yes, of course. But is their lack of etiquette lawsuit worthy?? They did do their research with the Waters family who say that the story is an accurate portrayal of the events surrounding Kenneth. <br />
<br />
If anything Gloria might want to consider suing the police department for running such a shitty investigation. Of course the camera's wouldn't be present for that lawsuit. Nowadays it seems as though the lawyers are more obsessed with becoming celebrities than they are about handling legitimate cases. The US is a ridiculously lawsuit happy country full of lawyers looking for their 5 minutes of fame.<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
Tracie<br />
Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-68080570539761049602010-10-14T08:42:00.001-04:002010-10-27T12:34:11.372-04:00When Is It Okay to Quit?I am having a bit of a dilemna with - dun dun dun - my kids! I know, shocking, right?<br />
<br />
Both of the toads take Karate (don't ask me what genre - I don't know - except they say Ke-yah alot).<br />
<br />
I totally love Karate. I have met some other mom's that seem to have the same <strike>lack of</strike> mothering philosophy as me, some of the instructors are nice to look at (one of them looks like a 70s porn star - moustache and all - bowchickawowow ........um, oops, hehe, that is another post entirely).<br />
<br />
And most importantly the kids are <strike>being watched by someone else</strike> learning discipline and how to defend themselves. The Karate studio itself is one of those that also has 300 other ways for you to spend your money. Daycare, "Fun" Friday nights, Karate camps, etc.... They have a performing league that seems to border on a cult. <br />
<br />
Z-Toad loves it. He always gives it 110% and is always telling me how he is going to get his black-belt. He also tells me that he is going to be a cop and he and his wife will be living across the street with their four kids which I will be babysitting while they both work. He is 7.<br />
<br />
So the issue revolves around J-Toad. He is 9 going on 40. His maturity level sometimes surpasses Mr. Toad (does that surprise anyone?). He also does well with Karate WHEN he puts in the effort. Usually he stands out there and does everything half-assed. If he catches the evil eye from me he will do better but he usually positions himself in a corner so that I can't easily see him.<br />
<br />
It has been 8 months and he wants to quit. I let the owners know and the woman actually let me out of my year contract and agreed to reduce my rate to just Z-Toad. The male owner who I really like and I believe that he does have the kids best interest at heart sat down to chat with me. In a nutshell, he pegged both my kids like he had been raising them himself. They are completely different.<br />
<br />
Z-Toad leads with his emotions. All I need to do is tell him how happy he makes me or how proud I am of him and all is right in his little world. J-Toad could care less what I or anyone else thinks. He wants to do what he wants and that is that. That sounds harsh. He is basically a good kid but is in his own world where everything is how he wants it. For example: He road his bike ONCE and hasn't been on again because "I know how to do it. Why do you want me to do it again?" Why does he have to constantly right stories in his journal at school - he knows all his letters. And on and on it goes.<br />
<br />
The Karate owner thinks J-Toad is manipulating me which I would hate to admit cause I am certainly smarter than a 9 year old but perhaps that is true. J-Toad knows that I hate to waste money so by making half-hearted attempts at Karate he knows I will get frustrated and pull him out. And thus we have a pattern. I should also point out that J-Toad is the smallest one in his class. He is on the 1% line for his height and weight. He is ridiculously smart and sarcastic. For pure survival he should stay in Karate.<br />
<br />
On the other hand my cynical business side is wondering if the Karate owner is playing me - after all it is in his interest for me to keep both kids doing Karate. And Karate isn't for everyone. If your child was taking soccer and hated it would you put them back in it the following season?<br />
<br />
What do you all think? <br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
Tracie <br />
<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Traciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5700978697821164939.post-69086603790030698712010-10-06T08:53:00.005-04:002010-10-06T08:57:37.061-04:00Brotherly CompetitionJ-Toad and Z-Toad are just 27 months apart. They spend a majority - and by that I mean 99.8% - trying to out-do, out-compete, out-smart, and out-love each other. It is relentless and oh so tiring. Well, um, at least it is exhausting for me, they seem to thrive on this crap. Really when does it stop??<br />
<br />
In all honesty, J-Toad is the oldest and because of such usually excels at things quicker than Z-Toad. J-Toad is 9 going on his mid 40's. He is ridiculously smart. Scary smart. He is very tiny - not even on the 1% growth curve - tiny! But his head size is over the 100% - we affectionately call him Jimmy Neutron :) J-Toad excels in Karate - in Swimming - with the Computer - and at School. And he likes to G L O A T. Ugh. Look I don't begrudge him his success but some humility with it would be nice. You know the type of kid that when you tell them they did good they say "I know". Nice, huh? I SO don't like that and don't encourage it.<br />
<br />
Z-Toad is younger and has a harder time at school. When they go to swimming you can find Z-Toad cheering his brother on walking along the side of the pool. When it is Z-'s Toad's turn you will find Jake sitting in the corner with his DS barely acknowledging Z-Toad's existence.<br />
<br />
So this day they went Rock Climbing for the very first time. And guess who went all the way up the wall TWICE??? Z-Toad. I was so proud of him. J-Toad did NOT go up - barely made it a quarter of the way up. In true J-Toad fashion he decided that he went just as high as Z-Toad cause his course up was that much harder. UGH! I told him no - he wasn't going to take this victory from Z-Toad. His course was not harder - Z-Toad simply did better than him. Not an easy lesson for him and definitely not easy as a parent. Later that day Z-Toad went up for a second time - this time on the course that J-Toad didn't finish. If that was J-Toad he would have been gloating from the rooftops. Z-Toad told J-Toad to try again - it wasn't that hard - he would go up next to him.<br />
<br />
Basically if the two of them were in a bad situation I have no doubt that Z-Toad would try to help his older brother but I am not so sure it would work the other way. It seems just ingrained in Z-Toad. How do I ingraine it into the older one??<br />
<br />
Hugs~<br />
TracieTraciehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11605674238259828009noreply@blogger.com2