December 17, 2010

More Gems from Z-Toad.....

On the way home from school Z-Toad told me that he wanted me to have a baby.   He said it was because he wanted to have a baby sister.
I think my 44 year old body collectively shuddered at the thought.
Z-Toad said "Mom, God wants you to have another baby."  

Who the hell thought it was a good idea to send these children to Catholic school?  Seriously $600 per month for sex education??   I swear if he starts quoting "go forth and multiply...."

How was I going to tell him that God had already let me know that I was in fact done?  See once you start getting gray hair um, not on your head, that is officially God's way of sticking a fork in you. 

And more stretch marks?  One can already map out most of the US highway systems on my belly.  Who the hell needs a Tom-Tom when we have Roadmap Mama!   She talks, does laundry, makes dinner, nags, bitches, and comes complete with her own map.   Never get lost again!

And then the conversation continued:

J-Toad:  "No - we don't want anymore kids - that would mean less for us." 
     Yeah I know I should have done the mom speech about sharing but I didn't.  Instead 
Me: That's right Z-Toad - you would get less presents at Christmas.  Babies cost a lot of money and a baby would take a lot of my time.  Which would take more time away from you.
      I'm taking the express train to hell.   Toot - Toot.  All Aboard.

Z-Toad: "All you have to do is kiss Daddy."
     Damn - you mean I didn't have to do all that other stuff?  Wait until I see your father.

J-Toad: "No Z-Toad it is more complicated than that."
Z-Toad: "Oh, yeah, Mom you have to have S-E-X, right?"
   Hold up - I spend hours and hours spelling trick words with this little shit and he still can't friggin   spell AS without tapping it out - but SEX he can spell?!?
J-Toad: "You don't even know what sex is, Z-Toad"
Z-Toad: "Yes I do"
   OH. DEAR. GOD.  I'm a good person - okay well I could be worse.  Anyway,  I don't usually ask for anything but do you think it would be too much to whip up a tornado?   Maybe a sudden hail storm?   How about some locusts and frogs?  Can't you do that?  Anything that will distract this conversation...... Please..... 

Z-Toad: "It is when you get naked and get on top of one another."
   I think I am hyperventilating.  Maybe if I pretend pass out and make like we are going to crash?
Z-Toad: "And then you touch pee-pee's"
   WHAT?????   Holy Shit.   How?  What?  Am I still driving?   Seriously what am I being punished for?
Z-Toad: "Is that close, Mom?"
   Mom???  Who the hell is he talking too?   Oh Yeah me.  Shit.  Seven - he is 7 - this is not the time for that talk, um, right?   Well shit I am 44 and this is SO not the right time for me.   Um............. 

J-Toad:  "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross."
   And ding ding we have a winner....     Goooooooooooooooooooooooo J-Toad!!!   Way to come in and rescue the day.  
Z-Toad:  "I know I know - I was just joking."

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


My kids went through a phase where they wanted a sister, too. I told them Daddy didn't want another kid. They asked me what exactly he had to do with the process. This conversation happened in the checkout line at WalMart.

Hope you have a very Merry Christmas!