On the way home from school Z-Toad told me that he wanted me to have a baby. He said it was because he wanted to have a baby sister.
I think my 44 year old body collectively shuddered at the thought.
Z-Toad said "Mom, God wants you to have another baby."
Who the hell thought it was a good idea to send these children to Catholic school? Seriously $600 per month for sex education?? I swear if he starts quoting "go forth and multiply...."
How was I going to tell him that God had already let me know that I was in fact done? See once you start getting gray hair um, not on your head, that is officially God's way of sticking a fork in you.
And more stretch marks? One can already map out most of the US highway systems on my belly. Who the hell needs a Tom-Tom when we have Roadmap Mama! She talks, does laundry, makes dinner, nags, bitches, and comes complete with her own map. Never get lost again!
And then the conversation continued:
J-Toad: "No - we don't want anymore kids - that would mean less for us."
Yeah I know I should have done the mom speech about sharing but I didn't. Instead
Me: That's right Z-Toad - you would get less presents at Christmas. Babies cost a lot of money and a baby would take a lot of my time. Which would take more time away from you.
I'm taking the express train to hell. Toot - Toot. All Aboard.
Z-Toad: "All you have to do is kiss Daddy."
Damn - you mean I didn't have to do all that other stuff? Wait until I see your father.
J-Toad: "No Z-Toad it is more complicated than that."
Z-Toad: "Oh, yeah, Mom you have to have S-E-X, right?"
Hold up - I spend hours and hours spelling trick words with this little shit and he still can't friggin spell AS without tapping it out - but SEX he can spell?!?
J-Toad: "You don't even know what sex is, Z-Toad"
Z-Toad: "Yes I do"
OH. DEAR. GOD. I'm a good person - okay well I could be worse. Anyway, I don't usually ask for anything but do you think it would be too much to whip up a tornado? Maybe a sudden hail storm? How about some locusts and frogs? Can't you do that? Anything that will distract this conversation...... Please.....
Z-Toad: "It is when you get naked and get on top of one another."
I think I am hyperventilating. Maybe if I pretend pass out and make like we are going to crash?
Z-Toad: "And then you touch pee-pee's"
WHAT????? Holy Shit. How? What? Am I still driving? Seriously what am I being punished for?
Z-Toad: "Is that close, Mom?"
Mom??? Who the hell is he talking too? Oh Yeah me. Shit. Seven - he is 7 - this is not the time for that talk, um, right? Well shit I am 44 and this is SO not the right time for me. Um.............
J-Toad: "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross."
And ding ding we have a winner.... Goooooooooooooooooooooooo J-Toad!!! Way to come in and rescue the day.
Z-Toad: "I know I know - I was just joking."
Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!
#WeAllGrow Summit 2017 (Sundays In My City)
5 weeks ago