More Gems from Z-Toad.....

On the way home from school Z-Toad told me that he wanted me to have a baby.   He said it was because he wanted to have a baby sister.
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Yeah.
NO!  
I think my 44 year old body collectively shuddered at the thought.
Z-Toad said "Mom, God wants you to have another baby."  

Who the hell thought it was a good idea to send these children to Catholic school?  Seriously $600 per month for sex education??   I swear if he starts quoting "go forth and multiply...."

How was I going to tell him that God had already let me know that I was in fact done?  See once you start getting gray hair um, not on your head, that is officially God's way of sticking a fork in you. 

And more stretch marks?  One can already map out most of the US highway systems on my belly.  Who the hell needs a Tom-Tom when we have Roadmap Mama!   She talks, does laundry, makes dinner, nags, bitches, and comes complete with her own map.   Never get lost again!

And then the conversation continued:

J-Toad:  "No - we don't want anymore kids - that would mean less for us." 
     Yeah I know I should have done the mom speech about sharing but I didn't.  Instead 
Me: That's right Z-Toad - you would get less presents at Christmas.  Babies cost a lot of money and a baby would take a lot of my time.  Which would take more time away from you.
      I'm taking the express train to hell.   Toot - Toot.  All Aboard.

Z-Toad: "All you have to do is kiss Daddy."
     Damn - you mean I didn't have to do all that other stuff?  Wait until I see your father.

J-Toad: "No Z-Toad it is more complicated than that."
Z-Toad: "Oh, yeah, Mom you have to have S-E-X, right?"
   Hold up - I spend hours and hours spelling trick words with this little shit and he still can't friggin   spell AS without tapping it out - but SEX he can spell?!?
J-Toad: "You don't even know what sex is, Z-Toad"
Z-Toad: "Yes I do"
   OH. DEAR. GOD.  I'm a good person - okay well I could be worse.  Anyway,  I don't usually ask for anything but do you think it would be too much to whip up a tornado?   Maybe a sudden hail storm?   How about some locusts and frogs?  Can't you do that?  Anything that will distract this conversation...... Please..... 

Z-Toad: "It is when you get naked and get on top of one another."
   I think I am hyperventilating.  Maybe if I pretend pass out and make like we are going to crash?
Z-Toad: "And then you touch pee-pee's"
   WHAT?????   Holy Shit.   How?  What?  Am I still driving?   Seriously what am I being punished for?
Z-Toad: "Is that close, Mom?"
   Mom???  Who the hell is he talking too?   Oh Yeah me.  Shit.  Seven - he is 7 - this is not the time for that talk, um, right?   Well shit I am 44 and this is SO not the right time for me.   Um............. 

J-Toad:  "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww that's gross."
   And ding ding we have a winner....     Goooooooooooooooooooooooo J-Toad!!!   Way to come in and rescue the day.  
Z-Toad:  "I know I know - I was just joking."


Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!!!
Hugs~
Tracie