I don't have to talk to anyone - I can email, text, tweet, fb anyone my every little thought. For those of us with a still intact FBBM (Filter Between Brain & Mouth) these tools are perfectly acceptable. But sadly there are many who suffer from FBBM and technology for them is a drug. If it were just a simple drug addiction they would go off into their own little world and you could ignore them but these FBBMers wield technology like a weapon and suck you into their web.
To that end (and in the interest of saving time) I am going to suggest a few buttons that FB might consider adding:
Nobody Believes Your Status Messages. (this is for those pesky eternally happy people with their fucking perky happy messages - they are full of shit. They are the ones of the verge of a mental break. Mark my words in 6 months you will see them on "Dateline ID")
You Need To Up Your Meds (or Have You Been Holding Out On Me?)
Facebook is Not A Licensed Therapist. (for those annoying shits who like to post esoteric messages - it is really just a roll call for them to see which of their friends are reading them. "today is a dark day....... i can only hope for a better tomorrow") Followed by 27 messages asking "What, What, What"? Said person is no longer posting ...... You wait and look at FB - OMG - what if something happened - where could they have gone? They have gone nowhere. They have their eyes glued to their fb screen, hitting the refresh button, making a list of who has responded. The rest of you will be defriended - only to be asked to be their friend again in a week.
TMI - Get a Room! (could be renamed to: Ewwwwwwwwwww......My Eyes..... Dear God make the visual stop!!!)
Amen. Love and Praise to HIM (I am pretty sure that God does not expect or want you to praise him for everything from "I found my car keys" to "Thank god they haven't canceled General Hospital yet") Maybe fb could provide a little clicky "Praise Him" button and then when hit the button it would pop up somewhere on your profile "(insert name) has praised God today. Have you?"
I SO Don't Care. (probably applicable to 90% of all posts - although surely not any of mine)
I Pray For Everything (you don't need to ask just assume you are on the list unless otherwise explicitly noted).
Your Political Views Suck (both sides - all sides - suck - they all lie - I can poke as many holes into your beliefs as you can poke into mine. Although my arguments will undoubtedly be more articulate than yours).
My (husband, wife, children, brother, sister, UPS guy) is Truly the Bestest Ever. I already know it. They already know it. We don't feel the need to brag about it in some wall posts and make everyone else feel like shit.)
We all know your (hubby, wife, kids, sisters, brothers) and KNOW You Are Lying.
I am SO sick of reading about your friggin brats. (this of course does not apply to me, my brats, or my fb posts about said friggin brats).
I am just pressing this button because you are neurotic and I don't want a PM message, text, or call asking me why I didn't press this damn button!
And could we just change the LIKE button to what it truly is?
Please Click Here to Provide Me with Positive Affirmation. Pretty Please. Please Click Me. PLEASE!!! Dear God Please let someone click mebefore too much time has passed. oh wait are people just going to click like because they feel sorry for me. But that is still okay, right? Why does fb have to keep saying how much time has passed. I bet it only times my posts. Please someone. Maybe I should post again - some sort of computer glich must have happened. I can't believe none of my 3, 857 friends don't have time to validate me. The timer says I posted this a whole minute ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I will teach all of them. Let's see type my status here: "today is a dark day.......... i can only hope for a better tomorrow." Now let's watch the comments roll in......... I am SO liked.
And every time someone hit the LIKE button your computer would say:
"Smile (insert name here). Someone likes you at this very moment".
But in my twisted and demented mind the voice would continue....
"Please note that (friend 47, friend 52, friend 102) have yet to hit the like button although
they have all been on facebook for a total of 312 minutes, have seen your post, and have clicked like on 27 other wall posts."
How come no one has designed a little counter for everyone's page that tally's up the number of likes you get over your lifetime?
Then we could have the "How To Tell If Your Friends Really Like You" Chart:
0-100: Do I have to tell you? Find a tall bridge.
101-499: Having 2 really close friends is all that anyone really needs. Really ;)
500-999: Let me guess, always a bridesmaid, right?
1000+ : You Are Fucking Awesome! Your virtual world loves you!!!! Now go feed your 67 cats.