December 20, 2011

Children Are Not Only For Tax Deductions!

I LOVE to drive fast.   L O V E    I T!    Not when you do it - you, of course, are not capable of handling such speed and will inevitably cause an accident.   But not MOI - I have some mad skillz peeps.  I have no idea what the speed limits are 90% of the time.  I just drive.  Usually this puts me at least 10 miles over the posted speed.  But never more than that - mom - if you are reading this.  I drive to my comfort level of the road.   I am an incredibly lousy passenger.   I am almost only comfortable if I am in control of the car.  This causes many fights with Mr. Toad (who drives like well, um, a toad).    I drive fast SAFELY.   I do NOT swerve in and out of traffic, I do not tailgate, I do not text while I drive or put on make-up, etc....   I generally follow all the rules except the pesky speed limit one.  Seriously that couldn't possibly be applicable to moi?

My very first car was a pretty blue camaro and it was LOVE at first site.  Way way way back back back in the day I would say that I was possibly a hottie (nice car - big boobs - big hair - you can do the math).  My love of speed led inevitably to encounters with law enforcement.   I would need all my fingers and toes and the fingers and toes of my 2 children (and possibly some of your kids as well) to be able to count the number of times I was pulled over.  However I would only need one hand to count the number of actual tickets.   I rarely ever got a ticket.   Big boobs and big hair kind of did the trick.   A low cut shirt, hair toss, and a "Who me?" batting of the eyes was enough 95% of the time.   For the other 5% a few well placed friends in law enforcement did the trick.    I even outran 2 state troopers on 2 separate occasions.  I know this sounds like bragging but I'm not.....  okay maybe a little.  I could run rings around Danica!   One of these incidents resulted in the loss of a friendship.  "OMG OMG OMG Tracie - stop....... blah blah blah....... gonna be sick."   Some girls are such wussies!.

That was then .......... this is now.   My love of speed has not changed.  My camaro has morphed into a minivan.  A minivan that screams "I am a middle-aged mom with 2 kids wearing a sensible support bra".   Shockingly the minivan does not perform like a camaro.   But then again I no longer perform like a camaro either.   I am happy to report that being pulled over is no longer as common an occurrence as brushing one's teeth.   So imagine my shock when I was pulled over and GOT A TICKET!   What the hell is that??   Apparently my dyed hair, my adorable TWO laugh lines, and less than perky boobs (even with the support of 15 gage wire) are sadly no longer able to sway the Officer Baby Face calling me "MA'AM".   God I fucking HATE being called "ma'am" or "kiddo".  And now my days of not getting tickets have apparently come to an end.

Or have they?? 

What I have discovered is that having kids - especially adorably funny children is just as good as being young and having boobies!   I have been pulled only a few times while having the kids in the car and have yet to get a ticket.

-Pull over 1:   I had my kids in the car and someone else's on our way to god knows where when the blue lights came on behind us.    Shit.    It was summer so all the windows are open.  As the cop comes carefully up along side of my car, the kids start chanting "Put Mommy in Jail" "Put Mommy in Jail".   By the time the cop actually got to me he was laughing his ass off.   That was it - no license - no registration - just a "OMG - that was the funniest thing ever".   That was when the genius first dawned.  My children could be ASSETS!

-Pull over 2:  We were running late and I was definitely speeding.  I was trying to get Z-Toad to Karate.  I came up over a hill and there was Mr. Blue Light.   He didn't even have to pull out of his spot. I was done.  I knew it.  I pulled myself over.  Our conversation:

Officer:  "Ma'am (cringe!!) - Do you know the speed limit?"
Me:   "Um - no" (am I suppose to ever say yes when asked this question?).
Z-Toad (from the backseat buckled in as required by law - yippee!!!):  "Mom I told you it was 30 and that you were going too fast."
Me: (that was true - Z-Toad wants to be a cop and is obsessed with the speed limit signs.  Let me tell you how much fun that is on a 4 hour drive)  "Z-Toad just sit there and be quiet."
Officer: "You should have listened to him."
Z-Toad: "She was just trying to get me to karate on time."
Officer: "You take karate, little man?"
Z-Toad: "Yes.  I take it cause I want to be a policeman when I grow up."
I could literally see the words "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" flashing on his young non-wrinkled forehead.    I had to resist the urge to unbuckle myself and shower Z-Toad with kisses.   His charm knows no limits.  You work it son.   Mom has never been so proud :)

How do I know this is fact?   Well strictly as a pure scientific experiment to enable me to write a knowledgeable blog for you all,  I got myself pulled over. 
No need to thank me - just send a small donation.  Enough to cover about $150? 
No children in the car.   Just me. 
And for good measure I made sure my back left brake light was out. 
And if that wasn't enough I pulled over on the left side of the road (I didn't realize I was being pulled and it was just trying to get out of his way.   Any hoots it is apparently illegal to pull over to the left...... details).  

How did that encounter go you ask?

My advice: Either hoist your girls up so you look like you have no neck or make sure to pack a kid or 2 when you travel.  Helps if they are funny, or charming, or........ if nothing else teach them to throw up on command. 

Just sayin'

Merry Christmas All~

1 comment:

middle child said...

Sooo, for get the boobs. Just let me borrow those adorable kids!