November 8, 2010

I Am A Very Lucky Person

You know how you have friends who win the lottery, raffle tickets, or pretty much anything based on chance?   Yeah, that is not me.   It could be you and me in a drawing.   I could have 3,450,345 tickets and you could have one.   Your name would be the one pulled.   I am not bitter.   Cause today I figured out that I am in fact truly lucky where it counts.   My kids are still alive despite me leaving them with Mr. Toad for extended periods of time.  It is miraculous really.  Three humans each with a Y chromosome left to their own devices coming out alive on the other end.   It can only be described as L U C K!

  • Mr. Toad decided to play capture the flag with the young ones.  He wanted something white to put around his neck that the children would need to try and capture.   What is white in your house??   Did you say a t-shirt?   A simple cotton t-shirt - how could that be dangerous - silly - try again.   How about a towel?  Good guess but no cause that would have meant walking up and then back down 13 steps.  Hint: Think Kitchen.   How about a trash bag?   A plastic trash bag with one of those drawstring ties?    How could kids not have fun with that?  I walked in to find my oldest with it over his head.  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
  • How about a good old-fashioned game of blind man's bluff.   Mr. Toad is blindfolded and he has to try to find the kids.   How would you blindfold yourself?   How about a pillowcase over your head??  And just for good measure why not play on the second floor in the hall near the stairs.   Don't say that we don't know how to live dangerously!  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
  • I came home late one night after a show.  About 3AM J-Toad is throwing up in the toilet.  And of course who does he wake to go thru this with him - MOM!!!   So I feel bad - rubbing his back - holding back my own gag reflexes when I figure out that he ate the POUND AND A HALF of grapes that were JUST bought a few hours ago.   Where was your father?   He was playing on his computer.   Need I tell you who spent the rest of the night with the sick child?
  • And just to drive the point home that you can NOT teach an old dog new tricks.   This just replayed itself out shortly after Halloween when J-Toad consumed 1/2 bag of smarties while I was out that night.   Men do not have any common sense - no matter the size, age, or supposed braindom.
  • We recently moved a broken TV into another room to await its eminent disposal.  I told the kids to NOT climb on top of it (cause, um, they are boys, it looks tall and foreboding, they are boys, it is not stable, they are boys, and as the only XX in the house I am the only voice of reason).  J-Toad says "oh - I climb on top of the TV in the toy room all the time."   What?!?!  "You can't do that" I yell like the crazy neurotic mom that I am.   J-Toad retorts: "Well Daddy sees me do it all the time and he doesn't say anything."   Even after all I have come to know and learn about Mr. Toad,  I yelled back at him "Don't lie to me!".   Ya know where this is going right?    Yes, Daddy did in fact know about it and no he didn't tell him to stop.  Why Why Why?   I ask.    "I don't want to coddle them and act like they need to where a helmet for everything".   Yeah - I got nothing anymore.   Does it surprise anyone that any male makes it past the age of 10?
  • And lastly - my current favorite.....  Mr. Toad told me to go upstairs the other night to have some alone time and he would take care of the kids.   Yes, I know, I fell for it.    I was tired.   I was sick.   What can I say?  I have no excuses.  I came downstairs 2 hours later to find Z-Toad in what I, being the neurotic XX of the house,  would call a precarious position (you will recall from an earlier post that Z-Toad is the child that had the Mac-N-Cheese incident and was in the ER with 3rd degree burns.   You will also recall that I was not the parent involved.  I am just sayin').   We have a pellet stove - no it does not have a gate around it cause I have a 46, 9, and 7 year old that I was pretty sure, up until this day, understood that a STOVE gets HOT and when it is HOT that it can BURN so - follow me now cause I am going to take a huge step here - as a result one should STAY THE FUCK AWAY from it.   Holy Hell.   There is Z-Toad in only his underwear STANDING on a chair INCHES away from the stove.   WHY?   Well it seems he was cold.  All 3 of my Y chromosomed humans look at me with a unified "DUH" look - just moments away from a collective grunt and ball scratch.   Cue my WTF look at Mr. Toad.   "Well I didn't want to send him upstairs to get more clothes and disturb you."   Nothing - and I mean nothing - says I Love You like sacrificing a loved one in favor of another.


Anonymous said...

LMAO! Thank God he didn't get burned. The ER docs would probably look at you funny if you brought in another burn victim.

Christina said...

I am still amazed that mine have made it into their 20's!!! The 25 year old works with FIRE and KNIVES for a living! If it's any consolation, what you are experiencing is normal when living in a house full of males!

vixen kitten said...

OMG I've missed you! You are the best medicine in the world! You are even better than my herbal brownies!

Wait...what I meant is you are even better WITH my herbal brownies!

No..that sounds like you aren't good on your own, which you are. Just think like a brownie WITH ice cream instead of a plain brownie!

Ya...there ya go!


Tracie said...

@Snuggle - I know can you see going back just months later for the same thing??

@Christina - LOL - Good to know. And Z-Toad wants to be a cop so I am guessing that may involve some weapons!

@ VK - YEAH!!! Happy to see you :)
Wow - I am better than chocolate huh? That would be a supreme compliment here. xo

Serene said...

Tracie, you are hilarious! I was eating my cup of noodles for lunch and I actually spit them out when I read your last paragraph. Too funny!!! I can sympathize with your dilemma. I, too, am the only XX in the house. Heaven help us!

Unknown Mami said...

Oh yeah, you are lucky. Nothing else explains their survival.