October 27, 2010

Facts of Life....... and Duct Tape!

Mr. Toad comes home the other night and tells me that talk radio (cause that's the way he rolls) says we should already be talking to our kids about the "Facts of Life".   Giving them all the correct terminology and explaining how tab 1 fits into slot 1.

A couple of things about Mr. Toad:  a) I say at least once a week just cause you heard it somewhere or read it somewhere does it make true or applicable to us,  b) If you ask Mr. Toad to explain something you better want the ENTIRE answer.  Abridged is not in his vocabulary.   The little toads will sometimes preface a question with "Dad please the short version".  I glaze over after 2 minutes so I hope that all relevant information is given to me with than 120 second window.  And c) Mr. Toad's idea of the Facts of Life talk is get as much as you can, as often as can without catching anything or procreating.   I am sure in Mr. Toad's head he can picture all of them high -five'ing each other while reliving tales of sexual exploits.   That line between parent and friend being somewhat blurry for him.

It is not that J & Z Toad are shy, they ask questions ALL the time.  Luckily they have only questioned me cause if Mr. Toad were to explain they would be qualified to teach sex ed (and probably most of your husbands).   Hmmmmmm - I think I inadvertently gave Mr. Toad a compliment.

On the way home from school Z-Toad informed me that lunch time conversation included sex. 
Me: What is sex?
Z-Toad: You know when you make out and stuff.
Me: Define stuff?
Z-Toad: You know everyone is naked and the girl tells the boy to get on the bed and she gets on top.
Me: *I think I may have fainted but we are still on the road.  Although next time I may seriously consider hitting a tree as a way of stopping conversations I am not prepared for.*
J-Toad:     Z,  you keep your underwear on!!.
Me:  *Note: Ahhhh J-Toad to the rescue - you've always been my favorite*
Z-Toad: Oh yeah I know.   But not the girl's bra cause ya know boobs!!!
**giggle giggle snort**
Me:  So does anyone have homework???
Editor's Note:  Evidently a classmate of Z-Toad, SexBoy, saw his parents and I assume that the mom in that house is the dom as she tells her hubby to get on the bed.  Just cause, ya know , I didn't want y'all thinking something else.  Just wanna make sure we are clear.

Fast forward a few days later also on the way home from school:
Z-Toad:  (out of the blue) So where do babies come out?
J-Toad:  They come out the mommy's butt
Me:  * J-Toad - you little shit - you are so NOT my favorite*
Cue lots of laughter and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww butt jokes.  Gotta love boys.
Me:  God gave women another hole just for babies to come out.
Z-Toad:  Did God give girls that hole instead of a pee-pee.
Me:  Um....... well..............girls can have babies - boys can't - and girls don't have pee-pee.
Z-Toad:  Can I see your baby hole when we get home?
Me:  NO!!!!   I think we are done for today.
J-Toad:  Z - it is near mommy's private parts so you can't see it.
Z-Toad:  Mommy - you can put duct tape over your pee-pee so we can't see that and then we can see the baby hole.

Oh. Dear. God.



Grimmgirl said...

Duct tape, waxing. What's the difference!

Anonymous said...

Since that went so well for you do you want to come have The Talk with my boys, too?

Unknown Mami said...

Oh man, I mean I knew that duct tape was useful, but I never would have imagined this option. Hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

YOU Are hilarious!!! I didn't stop laughing for 5 minutes and I'm still wiping the tears running down my cheeks! You have to keep one step ahead of those guys!