What I Am Thankful For.......

1. I am thankful to my neighbor for hanging not 1, not 2, but THREE wind chimes on their back deck which happen to face my master bedroom window.   My day is so much more productive when I am awaken at 5 AM.  Remote starting your car and listening to the engine wind has saved me the trouble of setting a back-up alarm for 5:30.   Letting the dogs out at 6 AM is a great final reminder to get up.  Thank You.
2. I am thankful to my husband for still NOT removing the air conditioner in the master bedroom so that the stink bugs have somewhere safe and warm to escape to before winter sends them to their death.  Perhaps we could forego the screens next summer so the wasps and bees could build their hives inside?
3. I am thankful to wake up every morning when I fall into the toilet cause one of the boys has failed to put the seat back down.   Well, actually I AM thankful that my ass is still small enough to do that ;)
4. I am thankful for a Dunkin Donuts who has thought of several creative ways to fulfill my morning iced coffee with milk and sugar order.   It is a unique approach to customer service.   Oh - and extra kudos for those mornings when you forget to include the straw!
5. I am thankful to my husband for being so considerate of my time so as to not waste it on silly things like foreplay.   "Well the kids are asleep" is all the encouragement I need.
6. I am thankful for the car, pellet stove, and TV all breaking in one week so I could easily balance my checkbook to zero.   Having to add and subtract a bunch of numbers is just too much work.
7. I am thankful for Z-Toad being such a loving child so that he shares every cold, cough, and sniffle he gets with me.  It is great that he is only sick for a few days and that I get to keep his "love" much longer.
8. I am also thankful for Z-Toad ratting me out to the cop when I was pulled over.  The officer asked me if I knew the speed limit.  I said "no".  Z-Toad loudly spoke up "Mommy I just told you that the speed limit was 30 and you said it didn't matter."   Glad to see my "Be Honest" lessons have been heard.  Although - "Stay away from the hot stove", "use your fork to eat", "GO get a tissue", and "we don't do that in front of anyone" have been universally ignored.
9. I am thankful for J-Toad being so smart that after having BMI explained to him he exclaimed "Wow, mom yours must be like 90" to the room.   I am also thankful that J-Toad is capable of "reading" my bitch-face quickly and recanted his statement before Child Welfare needed to be called.
10. Lastly I am thankful for all this wonderful technology.  Without I-phones, I-pads, X-Box's, Wii's, laptops, World of Warcraft, DS, Facebook, etc..... why we might have to {shudder} speak to one another.  Um - other than.   "Do you remember my password?",  "Can you put your headphones on?",  "Daddy how do I get to Dalaran?" and "Why can't I take my I-Pod into the bathroom?" 

Hope everyone has a Very Happy Thanksgiving!!!  I am very thankful to have such a wonderful family that gives me plenty of material to blog about!!

Hugs~
Tracie

I Am A Very Lucky Person

You know how you have friends who win the lottery, raffle tickets, or pretty much anything based on chance?   Yeah, that is not me.   It could be you and me in a drawing.   I could have 3,450,345 tickets and you could have one.   Your name would be the one pulled.   I am not bitter.   Cause today I figured out that I am in fact truly lucky where it counts.   My kids are still alive despite me leaving them with Mr. Toad for extended periods of time.  It is miraculous really.  Three humans each with a Y chromosome left to their own devices coming out alive on the other end.   It can only be described as L U C K!

• Mr. Toad decided to play capture the flag with the young ones.  He wanted something white to put around his neck that the children would need to try and capture.   What is white in your house??   Did you say a t-shirt?   A simple cotton t-shirt - how could that be dangerous - silly - try again.   How about a towel?  Good guess but no cause that would have meant walking up and then back down 13 steps.  Hint: Think Kitchen.   How about a trash bag?   A plastic trash bag with one of those drawstring ties?    How could kids not have fun with that?  I walked in to find my oldest with it over his head.  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
• How about a good old-fashioned game of blind man's bluff.   Mr. Toad is blindfolded and he has to try to find the kids.   How would you blindfold yourself?   How about a pillowcase over your head??  And just for good measure why not play on the second floor in the hall near the stairs.   Don't say that we don't know how to live dangerously!  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
• I came home late one night after a show.  About 3AM J-Toad is throwing up in the toilet.  And of course who does he wake to go thru this with him - MOM!!!   So I feel bad - rubbing his back - holding back my own gag reflexes when I figure out that he ate the POUND AND A HALF of grapes that were JUST bought a few hours ago.   Where was your father?   He was playing on his computer.   Need I tell you who spent the rest of the night with the sick child?

• And just to drive the point home that you can NOT teach an old dog new tricks.   This just replayed itself out shortly after Halloween when J-Toad consumed 1/2 bag of smarties while I was out that night.   Men do not have any common sense - no matter the size, age, or supposed braindom.
• We recently moved a broken TV into another room to await its eminent disposal.  I told the kids to NOT climb on top of it (cause, um, they are boys, it looks tall and foreboding, they are boys, it is not stable, they are boys, and as the only XX in the house I am the only voice of reason).  J-Toad says "oh - I climb on top of the TV in the toy room all the time."   What?!?!  "You can't do that" I yell like the crazy neurotic mom that I am.   J-Toad retorts: "Well Daddy sees me do it all the time and he doesn't say anything."   Even after all I have come to know and learn about Mr. Toad,  I yelled back at him "Don't lie to me!".   Ya know where this is going right?    Yes, Daddy did in fact know about it and no he didn't tell him to stop.  Why Why Why?   I ask.    "I don't want to coddle them and act like they need to where a helmet for everything".   Yeah - I got nothing anymore.   Does it surprise anyone that any male makes it past the age of 10?
• And lastly - my current favorite.....  Mr. Toad told me to go upstairs the other night to have some alone time and he would take care of the kids.   Yes, I know, I fell for it.    I was tired.   I was sick.   What can I say?  I have no excuses.  I came downstairs 2 hours later to find Z-Toad in what I, being the neurotic XX of the house,  would call a precarious position (you will recall from an earlier post that Z-Toad is the child that had the Mac-N-Cheese incident and was in the ER with 3rd degree burns.   You will also recall that I was not the parent involved.  I am just sayin').   We have a pellet stove - no it does not have a gate around it cause I have a 46, 9, and 7 year old that I was pretty sure, up until this day, understood that a STOVE gets HOT and when it is HOT that it can BURN so - follow me now cause I am going to take a huge step here - as a result one should STAY THE FUCK AWAY from it.   Holy Hell.   There is Z-Toad in only his underwear STANDING on a chair INCHES away from the stove.   WHY?   Well it seems he was cold.  All 3 of my Y chromosomed humans look at me with a unified "DUH" look - just moments away from a collective grunt and ball scratch.   Cue my WTF look at Mr. Toad.   "Well I didn't want to send him upstairs to get more clothes and disturb you."   Nothing - and I mean nothing - says I Love You like sacrificing a loved one in favor of another.

Hugs~
Tracie

Some Funnies & {Gulp} Political Nonsense!

I am not in a particularly good mood today.   I took both kids for their yearly physicals.   Z-Toad asked the doctor why "he was playing with his balls?"  "And, how come his is so much bigger than his brothers?"  I in turn asked the pediatrician when the filter between his mouth and brain would mature.  The outlook was not good.  He is after all male.

Both boys are mainly fine.   J-Toad has to see a geneticist (he has some odd things) and an orthopedist for his feet/ankles.   Both children flunked their eye exams.  Nice.   We won't talk about the $400 we just spent on J-Toad's glasses like 6 months ago.   I told Mr. Toad that we should just get them dollar sign costumes for next year.  Oi.

To top it off I have this nasty cold/flu/virus thing that my lovely Z-Toad gave to me from one his snot-nosed little classmates.   I blamed him for my misery and I told him that.  So there - take that to therapy when you are older.  Z-Toad told me it was my own fault for loving him so much - too many hugs and kisses.  Huh.   Take a lesson mom's: even when doing the right thing we will be blamed. 

Now on to politics........ Cause today is the day to be heard (cough cough phlegm phlegm).   I am sick to death (no pun intended) of the stupid ads, sick of people posting little political gems on their facebook walls, sick of all the lunatics waving at me when I drive (I seriously considered swerving taking out a bunch of them).    Do they think that matters? If your decision making is based upon which lunatic can jump up and down the most or wave at you the most frantically - Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.  

And Do NOT robocall me.  Just DON'T do it.  Even if you are the candidate I like it makes me want to pluck my eyes out.    It would be interesting to see a study on how many people actually listen to the whole call - like maybe 1%.    Um, this should NOT be a government sponsored survey.   It is a joke.    If you are the moron who developed this telephonic nightmare - Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

My candidate(s) sucks. period.  And so does yours.  Both have said sucky things, have done sucky things, and, guess what, will continue to do sucky things no matter what they say/do/act now.  You realize it is all just a game of who has done the least offensible things?  My candidate only cheated on his wife while yours cheated 1,000's out of money.   TIME OUT - both of you suck!   None of them can get where they are (read: monies) without owing various people / groups a myriad of things.   None of them give a rats ass about you or your family.   They all have skeletons - be careful about throwing stones cause they will be picked up and thrown right back. Cynical I know.  Are you stupid enough to believe that you will get a free house or anything else they promise if they are elected? Then Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.  

You are NOT a Democrat, Republican, Tea Party or whatever.   NO ONE can agree 100% with their party - NOT possible.   If you tell me you are 100% whatever than you are incapable of having a coherent thought on your own.   Everyone should be a registered Independent and NONE of the candidates should have a little symbol next to their name.  How about just a checklist of questions/answers from each of them?   Like when you want compare products on Amazon.    Even then I doubt you will not find a SINGLE candidate that you will agree 100%  of the time.   You picked your spouse cause you had so much in common - do you agree with them 100% of time??  And some of you have picked several spouses and been wrong every time.  Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

If you vote Republican or Democrat based upon which animal you like the best.  Dear God Please Do NOT Vote. 


If you picked your candidate based only on what Glenn Beck has said, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.


If you picked your candidate based upon the "comedic" satire of Joy Behar, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.


Your politics will change over time - based upon your own life and what is most important to you at that time. I do not consider myself politically savvy - who the hell has the time?.  I catch what I can  and go from there.   I do believe that most people do not know exactly what they are.  They are either the political party of their parents or have been the same political party forever!  Political parties have changed/evolved over time and it may be time to get reacquainted with what exactly each stands for.  There are plenty of websites you can go to find out where you fall on the political spectrum.   Some of you will be surprised.  

I got 57% Republican and 43% Democrat.    I think it was pretty accurate:

I believe in smaller government (live by Keep It Simple Stupid. Bigger = more potential corruption)
Stop fucking around with my constitutional rights.  If you wander in my house at midnight it is my right to blow your head off.
Balance the damn budget (I can't spend more than what I earn so either should you).
Provide help to those who truly need it (do not make it more attractive to be a sloth).
Stop the profit driven Go Green campaign.
Ensure that everyone is treated fairly.
Adopt a flat tax so everyone pays the same amount. Period. No exemptions/deductions/loopholes.  Your welcome I just eliminated the IRS.
Drill for friggin oil off our shores.
Put up the damn windmills.
Let gay people get married.  Why shouldn't they suffer enjoy marriage like anyone in love?
Set Term Limits (to serve in office is suppose to be a altruistic not a way of lining your own pocket).
Protect this country - invest in the military.
If you are here and illegal - make yourself legal - work hard and enjoy the American dream.
Protect our borders.  A fence - a moat - a bubble - whatever just do it.
This is America - Buck the Fuck Up - Hard Work Should Be Rewarded.

If you want/expect a free ride, get the hell out.


Please, Dear God, exercise your right to be heard and VOTE!

Hugs~
Tracie

Facts of Life....... and Duct Tape!

Mr. Toad comes home the other night and tells me that talk radio (cause that's the way he rolls) says we should already be talking to our kids about the "Facts of Life".   Giving them all the correct terminology and explaining how tab 1 fits into slot 1.

A couple of things about Mr. Toad:  a) I say at least once a week just cause you heard it somewhere or read it somewhere does it make true or applicable to us,  b) If you ask Mr. Toad to explain something you better want the ENTIRE answer.  Abridged is not in his vocabulary.   The little toads will sometimes preface a question with "Dad please the short version".  I glaze over after 2 minutes so I hope that all relevant information is given to me with than 120 second window.  And c) Mr. Toad's idea of the Facts of Life talk is get as much as you can, as often as can without catching anything or procreating.   I am sure in Mr. Toad's head he can picture all of them high -five'ing each other while reliving tales of sexual exploits.   That line between parent and friend being somewhat blurry for him.

It is not that J & Z Toad are shy, they ask questions ALL the time.  Luckily they have only questioned me cause if Mr. Toad were to explain they would be qualified to teach sex ed (and probably most of your husbands).   Hmmmmmm - I think I inadvertently gave Mr. Toad a compliment.

On the way home from school Z-Toad informed me that lunch time conversation included sex. 
Me: What is sex?
Z-Toad: You know when you make out and stuff.
Me: Define stuff?
Z-Toad: You know everyone is naked and the girl tells the boy to get on the bed and she gets on top.
Me: *I think I may have fainted but we are still on the road.  Although next time I may seriously consider hitting a tree as a way of stopping conversations I am not prepared for.*
J-Toad:     Z,  you keep your underwear on!!.
Me:  *Note: Ahhhh J-Toad to the rescue - you've always been my favorite*
Z-Toad: Oh yeah I know.   But not the girl's bra cause ya know boobs!!!
**giggle giggle snort**
Me:  So does anyone have homework???
Editor's Note:  Evidently a classmate of Z-Toad, SexBoy, saw his parents and I assume that the mom in that house is the dom as she tells her hubby to get on the bed.  Just cause, ya know , I didn't want y'all thinking something else.  Just wanna make sure we are clear.

Fast forward a few days later also on the way home from school:
Z-Toad:  (out of the blue) So where do babies come out?
J-Toad:  They come out the mommy's butt
Me:  * J-Toad - you little shit - you are so NOT my favorite*
Cue lots of laughter and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww butt jokes.  Gotta love boys.
Me:  God gave women another hole just for babies to come out.
Z-Toad:  Did God give girls that hole instead of a pee-pee.
Me:  Um....... well..............girls can have babies - boys can't - and girls don't have pee-pee.
Z-Toad:  Can I see your baby hole when we get home?
Me:  NO!!!!   I think we are done for today.
J-Toad:  Z - it is near mommy's private parts so you can't see it.
Z-Toad:  Mommy - you can put duct tape over your pee-pee so we can't see that and then we can see the baby hole.

DUCT TAPE???? 
Oh. Dear. God.


 
Hugs-
Tracie

Payback!

Today started off like any other - the Toads jumping out of their beds eager to start the day and get ready for school.   Sitting at the table, laughing and talking with each other, as I, June Cleaver whipped up a batch of pancakes to give the joys of my life a hot hardy breakfast before school...............

Yeah - right.   You all believed that right??   I think I was that delusional when I thought about life with my future kids.    So. Not. True.

I get up and get ready first (this includes showering, dressing, face, emptying the dishwasher, checking on any orders, folding laundry, oh wait and of course my 5 mile run on my treadmill & properly waking Mr. Toad).  I will leave you to figure out which things are most probably true in that last statement.   Then it is time to wake the toads.   J- Toad is first.   I literally pull him out of bed, stand him and send him off to the bathroom where he attempts to pee into the toilet with his eyes closed.   Then I brush his teeth (yes I still do cause he would brush them for 2 seconds and my dental hygenist totally appreciates that I still brush them - don't ya??).  Then I send him back to his room to put his uniform on (which was laid out the night before).

Now it is time for Z-Toad.   Z-Toad will WHINE and MOAN the whole time, kind of like a husband only shorter with a higher pitched voice.   The bathroom ritual is repeated with him as well but I wet his hair in the morning (his is naturally curly so because they shower the night before his hair looks like a brillo pad).   He HATES to brush his teeth so it takes like 5 minutes for him to get himself "ready" for me to brush them.  I send him off to get naked, put jammies in the washer, and then help him with his uniform.

Back to J-Toad who is now dressed...... like a hobo - the shirt is not tucked in - the collar is half in and half out - and the hair is a tangled mess.   I make J-Toad presentable.

Everyone now downstairs where the standard breakfast is toast with peanut butter (with the crust cut off for Z-Toad and LIGHTLY toasted or both toads will refuse to eat).   I then must say every 5 minutes "Eat your breakfast.  We have to leave."   Then they have about 15 mins. before I or carpool mom (who reads my blog - she is wonderful wonderful person!!) must leave. 

This morning Z-Toad decides to have a meltdown in the lego bin about not being able to bring toys to school.  Car pool mom is in the driveway waiting.... waiting..... waiting.   Z-Toad is still not getting out of the lego bin.   After a very calm discussion, Z-Toad gets out of the lego bin flinging lego's at me and across the room.   Yeah - not so good - that gets him a quick boof upside the head.  Z-Toad is just a touch melodramatic (from his father's side) and that starts the water works.  I take him out to carpool mom - he is not happy - I am not happy - carpool mom has "oh shit" look on face.   Although Z-Toad is able to stop crying long enough to show carpool mom (who is our dental hygenist) his missing tooth.

I phone car pool mom to check on him.   Car pool mom has already pumped the little one for all the info but he would not rat me out .  J-Toad was more than happy to volunteer info that Z-Toad was a brat and mom boofed him.   Car pool mom says that maybe he should be a good boy (cause carpool mom rocks and has my back).   Everyone is laughing when they are dropped off in the schoolyard at like 8:40.  The bell rings at 8:50.

My phone rings at 9:01 and I see the name of the school on my called ID.   OMG - I think did Z-Toad tell someone that mom boofed him upside the head and the school is calling????   Friggin' do-gooders.   Wait till I see him.  Crap.  I pick up the phone and it is the nurse.   She says Z-Toad got hurt from 2 kids chasing him but he should be fine to stay in school they will watch him for any sign of a concussion.  Um- yeah - no - I go to pick him up.

It looks pretty bad.  He says a couple of his brother's classmates were at fault.  Apparently there is a game called "roll you over" where kids with rollers on their backpacks try to roll them up and over another kid.  Doesn't that sound nice??   The principal takes Z-Toad to the classroom to find out who was at fault.   Once at the classroom the principal asks J-Toad who did this to his brother.  J-Toad actually RATS OUT his friends!!!!!  This is huge people as J-Toad usually considers Z-Toad to be a lower life form.   So I high-five him for doing the right thing (not in the classroom!).

Z-Toad -my mush monster - says to him "J-Toad you mean you really do love me?".   J-Toad is now exasperated and most probably rethinking his decision to rat out the friends.  He finally admits that he loves his brother.   Of course Z-Toad does not know when to stop and says "So you love me but do you like me, J-Toad?"   Now J-Toad is completely done "mom make him stop".

Z-Toad also informed me that what happened was payback cause I boofed him that morning.   That made me feel like shit and it took car pool mom's thoughts to see the situation correctly.   Hey Z-Toad you know how you said it was payback?   "Yes - cause you were mean to me this morning" he says all indignant.   "Do you think it was payback for you being fresh?  Cause buddy I am not the one that got trampled by a backpack and fell on my face.  

Oh.  I'm sorry he says.

Hugs~
Tracie

I Just Don't Get It

I read/watch/listen to the news usually everyday (shocking, no?).   And sometimes there is a story that just makes you say WTF?  Even though it affects absolutely no aspect of my life whatsoever it just got under my skin. 

Gloria Allred is representing the family of Katharina Brow who are suing Hillary Swank for the making of her new movie Conviction.   Let me nutshell this......  Katharina Brow was murdered in 1980.   Kenneth Waters was WRONGLY convicted of her murder and was finally released when better DNA testing proved it was not him.  Katharina Bow's family does not dispute any of this - Kenneth Waters was wrongly convicted while the true killer walked free.

Gloria, I will do anything for a buck and to get in front of the camera, is suing Hillary Swank who directed and starred in the movie because "no proper respect or compassion has been shown by Ms. Swank for the murder victim and her family".   The family has stated they are hurt the movie didn't care about the victim.  They say this because they were not contacted during the making of the movie.

Let me state the obvious, it is absolutely tragic that this woman was murdered and the damage/hurt/pain done to her family irreparable .  No one would wish this kind of tragedy to befall anyone.  Katharina Brow is a victim as are her survivors.  We can all feel for them BUT the movie is NOT about her.   It is in fact about a second victim - the one who spent 20 years in jail wrongly convicted of the crime - Kenneth Waters.  They are both victims of a tragic event.  The movie is about the fight of the Water's family (specifically his sister whom Swank portrays) to clear his name.

The movie spends a fraction of time on the actual crime.  That is not the story they are telling.   The story is about a man losing 20 years of his life and the ordeals his sister went through to find the truth and free her brother.   I wonder if what is truly at the basis of the Brow's hurt is that the movie was not about their victim.  Hollywood loves a good story - and Kenneth Water's sisters story has it in spades.

As much as it hurts the Brow family, the murder itself is almost a footnote - the precipice of what changed this man's life forever.   The movie is not about Katharina.  I don't think Hillary Swank or anyone associated with the movie owes the Bow family anything.  Could they have included them in their research.  Yes, of course.  But is their lack of etiquette lawsuit worthy??   They did do their research with the Waters family who say that the story is an accurate portrayal of the events surrounding Kenneth.  

If anything Gloria might want to consider suing the police department for running such a shitty investigation.   Of course the camera's wouldn't be present for that lawsuit.  Nowadays it seems as though the lawyers are more obsessed with becoming celebrities than they are about handling legitimate cases.    The US is a ridiculously lawsuit happy country full of lawyers looking for their 5 minutes of fame.

Hugs~
Tracie
 

When Is It Okay to Quit?

I am having a bit of a dilemna with - dun dun dun - my kids!  I know, shocking, right?

Both of the toads take Karate (don't ask me what genre - I don't know - except they say Ke-yah alot).

I totally love Karate.  I have met some other mom's that seem to have the same lack of mothering philosophy as me, some of the instructors are nice to look at (one of them looks like a 70s porn star - moustache and all - bowchickawowow ........um, oops, hehe, that is another post entirely).

And most importantly the kids are being watched by someone else learning discipline and how to defend themselves.  The Karate studio itself is one of those that also has 300 other ways for you to spend your money.   Daycare, "Fun" Friday nights, Karate camps, etc....   They have a performing league that seems to border on a cult.  

Z-Toad loves it.  He always gives it 110% and is always telling me how he is going to get his black-belt.  He also tells me that he is going to be a cop and he and his wife will be living across the street with their four kids which I will be babysitting while they both work.  He is 7.

So the issue revolves around J-Toad.  He is 9 going on 40.   His maturity level sometimes surpasses Mr. Toad (does that surprise anyone?).  He also does well with Karate WHEN he puts in the effort.  Usually he stands out there and does everything half-assed.    If he catches the evil eye from me he will do better but he usually positions himself in a corner so that I can't easily see him.

It has been 8 months and he wants to quit.  I let the owners know and the woman actually let me out of my year contract and agreed to reduce my rate to just Z-Toad.   The male owner who I really like and I believe that he does have the kids best interest at heart sat down to chat with me.   In a nutshell, he pegged both my kids like he had been raising them himself.   They are completely different.

Z-Toad leads with his emotions.  All I need to do is tell him how happy he makes me or how proud I am of him and all is right in his little world.  J-Toad could care less what I or anyone else thinks.  He wants to do what he wants and that is that.   That sounds harsh.   He is basically a good kid but is in his own world where everything is how he wants it.   For example: He road his bike ONCE and hasn't been on  again because "I know how to do it.  Why do you want me to do it again?" Why does he have to constantly right stories in his journal at school - he knows all his letters.   And on and on it goes.

The Karate owner thinks J-Toad is manipulating me which I would hate to admit cause I am certainly smarter than a 9 year old but perhaps that is true.  J-Toad knows that I hate to waste money so by making half-hearted attempts at Karate he knows I will get frustrated and pull him out.  And thus we have a pattern.  I should also point out that J-Toad is the smallest one in his class.  He is on the 1% line for his height and weight.   He is ridiculously smart and sarcastic.   For pure survival he should stay in Karate.

On the other hand my cynical business side is wondering if the Karate owner is playing me - after all it is in his interest for me to keep both kids doing Karate.   And Karate isn't for everyone.  If your child was taking soccer and hated it would you put them back in it the following season?

What do you all think?

Hugs~
Tracie