October 27, 2010

Facts of Life....... and Duct Tape!

Mr. Toad comes home the other night and tells me that talk radio (cause that's the way he rolls) says we should already be talking to our kids about the "Facts of Life".   Giving them all the correct terminology and explaining how tab 1 fits into slot 1.

A couple of things about Mr. Toad:  a) I say at least once a week just cause you heard it somewhere or read it somewhere does it make true or applicable to us,  b) If you ask Mr. Toad to explain something you better want the ENTIRE answer.  Abridged is not in his vocabulary.   The little toads will sometimes preface a question with "Dad please the short version".  I glaze over after 2 minutes so I hope that all relevant information is given to me with than 120 second window.  And c) Mr. Toad's idea of the Facts of Life talk is get as much as you can, as often as can without catching anything or procreating.   I am sure in Mr. Toad's head he can picture all of them high -five'ing each other while reliving tales of sexual exploits.   That line between parent and friend being somewhat blurry for him.

It is not that J & Z Toad are shy, they ask questions ALL the time.  Luckily they have only questioned me cause if Mr. Toad were to explain they would be qualified to teach sex ed (and probably most of your husbands).   Hmmmmmm - I think I inadvertently gave Mr. Toad a compliment.

On the way home from school Z-Toad informed me that lunch time conversation included sex. 
Me: What is sex?
Z-Toad: You know when you make out and stuff.
Me: Define stuff?
Z-Toad: You know everyone is naked and the girl tells the boy to get on the bed and she gets on top.
Me: *I think I may have fainted but we are still on the road.  Although next time I may seriously consider hitting a tree as a way of stopping conversations I am not prepared for.*
J-Toad:     Z,  you keep your underwear on!!.
Me:  *Note: Ahhhh J-Toad to the rescue - you've always been my favorite*
Z-Toad: Oh yeah I know.   But not the girl's bra cause ya know boobs!!!
**giggle giggle snort**
Me:  So does anyone have homework???
Editor's Note:  Evidently a classmate of Z-Toad, SexBoy, saw his parents and I assume that the mom in that house is the dom as she tells her hubby to get on the bed.  Just cause, ya know , I didn't want y'all thinking something else.  Just wanna make sure we are clear.

Fast forward a few days later also on the way home from school:
Z-Toad:  (out of the blue) So where do babies come out?
J-Toad:  They come out the mommy's butt
Me:  * J-Toad - you little shit - you are so NOT my favorite*
Cue lots of laughter and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww butt jokes.  Gotta love boys.
Me:  God gave women another hole just for babies to come out.
Z-Toad:  Did God give girls that hole instead of a pee-pee.
Me:  Um....... well..............girls can have babies - boys can't - and girls don't have pee-pee.
Z-Toad:  Can I see your baby hole when we get home?
Me:  NO!!!!   I think we are done for today.
J-Toad:  Z - it is near mommy's private parts so you can't see it.
Z-Toad:  Mommy - you can put duct tape over your pee-pee so we can't see that and then we can see the baby hole.

Oh. Dear. God.


October 22, 2010


Today started off like any other - the Toads jumping out of their beds eager to start the day and get ready for school.   Sitting at the table, laughing and talking with each other, as I, June Cleaver whipped up a batch of pancakes to give the joys of my life a hot hardy breakfast before school...............

Yeah - right.   You all believed that right??   I think I was that delusional when I thought about life with my future kids.    So. Not. True.

I get up and get ready first (this includes showering, dressing, face, emptying the dishwasher, checking on any orders, folding laundry, oh wait and of course my 5 mile run on my treadmill & properly waking Mr. Toad).  I will leave you to figure out which things are most probably true in that last statement.   Then it is time to wake the toads.   J- Toad is first.   I literally pull him out of bed, stand him and send him off to the bathroom where he attempts to pee into the toilet with his eyes closed.   Then I brush his teeth (yes I still do cause he would brush them for 2 seconds and my dental hygenist totally appreciates that I still brush them - don't ya??).  Then I send him back to his room to put his uniform on (which was laid out the night before).

Now it is time for Z-Toad.   Z-Toad will WHINE and MOAN the whole time, kind of like a husband only shorter with a higher pitched voice.   The bathroom ritual is repeated with him as well but I wet his hair in the morning (his is naturally curly so because they shower the night before his hair looks like a brillo pad).   He HATES to brush his teeth so it takes like 5 minutes for him to get himself "ready" for me to brush them.  I send him off to get naked, put jammies in the washer, and then help him with his uniform.

Back to J-Toad who is now dressed...... like a hobo - the shirt is not tucked in - the collar is half in and half out - and the hair is a tangled mess.   I make J-Toad presentable.

Everyone now downstairs where the standard breakfast is toast with peanut butter (with the crust cut off for Z-Toad and LIGHTLY toasted or both toads will refuse to eat).   I then must say every 5 minutes "Eat your breakfast.  We have to leave."   Then they have about 15 mins. before I or carpool mom (who reads my blog - she is wonderful wonderful person!!) must leave. 

This morning Z-Toad decides to have a meltdown in the lego bin about not being able to bring toys to school.  Car pool mom is in the driveway waiting.... waiting..... waiting.   Z-Toad is still not getting out of the lego bin.   After a very calm discussion, Z-Toad gets out of the lego bin flinging lego's at me and across the room.   Yeah - not so good - that gets him a quick boof upside the head.  Z-Toad is just a touch melodramatic (from his father's side) and that starts the water works.  I take him out to carpool mom - he is not happy - I am not happy - carpool mom has "oh shit" look on face.   Although Z-Toad is able to stop crying long enough to show carpool mom (who is our dental hygenist) his missing tooth.

I phone car pool mom to check on him.   Car pool mom has already pumped the little one for all the info but he would not rat me out .  J-Toad was more than happy to volunteer info that Z-Toad was a brat and mom boofed him.   Car pool mom says that maybe he should be a good boy (cause carpool mom rocks and has my back).   Everyone is laughing when they are dropped off in the schoolyard at like 8:40.  The bell rings at 8:50.

My phone rings at 9:01 and I see the name of the school on my called ID.   OMG - I think did Z-Toad tell someone that mom boofed him upside the head and the school is calling????   Friggin' do-gooders.   Wait till I see him.  Crap.  I pick up the phone and it is the nurse.   She says Z-Toad got hurt from 2 kids chasing him but he should be fine to stay in school they will watch him for any sign of a concussion.  Um- yeah - no - I go to pick him up.

It looks pretty bad.  He says a couple of his brother's classmates were at fault.  Apparently there is a game called "roll you over" where kids with rollers on their backpacks try to roll them up and over another kid.  Doesn't that sound nice??   The principal takes Z-Toad to the classroom to find out who was at fault.   Once at the classroom the principal asks J-Toad who did this to his brother.  J-Toad actually RATS OUT his friends!!!!!  This is huge people as J-Toad usually considers Z-Toad to be a lower life form.   So I high-five him for doing the right thing (not in the classroom!).

Z-Toad -my mush monster - says to him "J-Toad you mean you really do love me?".   J-Toad is now exasperated and most probably rethinking his decision to rat out the friends.  He finally admits that he loves his brother.   Of course Z-Toad does not know when to stop and says "So you love me but do you like me, J-Toad?"   Now J-Toad is completely done "mom make him stop".

Z-Toad also informed me that what happened was payback cause I boofed him that morning.   That made me feel like shit and it took car pool mom's thoughts to see the situation correctly.   Hey Z-Toad you know how you said it was payback?   "Yes - cause you were mean to me this morning" he says all indignant.   "Do you think it was payback for you being fresh?  Cause buddy I am not the one that got trampled by a backpack and fell on my face.  

Oh.  I'm sorry he says.


October 18, 2010

I Just Don't Get It

I read/watch/listen to the news usually everyday (shocking, no?).   And sometimes there is a story that just makes you say WTF?  Even though it affects absolutely no aspect of my life whatsoever it just got under my skin. 

Gloria Allred is representing the family of Katharina Brow who are suing Hillary Swank for the making of her new movie Conviction.   Let me nutshell this......  Katharina Brow was murdered in 1980.   Kenneth Waters was WRONGLY convicted of her murder and was finally released when better DNA testing proved it was not him.  Katharina Bow's family does not dispute any of this - Kenneth Waters was wrongly convicted while the true killer walked free.

Gloria, I will do anything for a buck and to get in front of the camera, is suing Hillary Swank who directed and starred in the movie because "no proper respect or compassion has been shown by Ms. Swank for the murder victim and her family".   The family has stated they are hurt the movie didn't care about the victim.  They say this because they were not contacted during the making of the movie.

Let me state the obvious, it is absolutely tragic that this woman was murdered and the damage/hurt/pain done to her family irreparable .  No one would wish this kind of tragedy to befall anyone.  Katharina Brow is a victim as are her survivors.  We can all feel for them BUT the movie is NOT about her.   It is in fact about a second victim - the one who spent 20 years in jail wrongly convicted of the crime - Kenneth Waters.  They are both victims of a tragic event.  The movie is about the fight of the Water's family (specifically his sister whom Swank portrays) to clear his name.

The movie spends a fraction of time on the actual crime.  That is not the story they are telling.   The story is about a man losing 20 years of his life and the ordeals his sister went through to find the truth and free her brother.   I wonder if what is truly at the basis of the Brow's hurt is that the movie was not about their victim.  Hollywood loves a good story - and Kenneth Water's sisters story has it in spades.

As much as it hurts the Brow family, the murder itself is almost a footnote - the precipice of what changed this man's life forever.   The movie is not about Katharina.  I don't think Hillary Swank or anyone associated with the movie owes the Bow family anything.  Could they have included them in their research.  Yes, of course.  But is their lack of etiquette lawsuit worthy??   They did do their research with the Waters family who say that the story is an accurate portrayal of the events surrounding Kenneth.  

If anything Gloria might want to consider suing the police department for running such a shitty investigation.   Of course the camera's wouldn't be present for that lawsuit.  Nowadays it seems as though the lawyers are more obsessed with becoming celebrities than they are about handling legitimate cases.    The US is a ridiculously lawsuit happy country full of lawyers looking for their 5 minutes of fame.


October 14, 2010

When Is It Okay to Quit?

I am having a bit of a dilemna with - dun dun dun - my kids!  I know, shocking, right?

Both of the toads take Karate (don't ask me what genre - I don't know - except they say Ke-yah alot).

I totally love Karate.  I have met some other mom's that seem to have the same lack of mothering philosophy as me, some of the instructors are nice to look at (one of them looks like a 70s porn star - moustache and all - bowchickawowow ........um, oops, hehe, that is another post entirely).

And most importantly the kids are being watched by someone else learning discipline and how to defend themselves.  The Karate studio itself is one of those that also has 300 other ways for you to spend your money.   Daycare, "Fun" Friday nights, Karate camps, etc....   They have a performing league that seems to border on a cult.  

Z-Toad loves it.  He always gives it 110% and is always telling me how he is going to get his black-belt.  He also tells me that he is going to be a cop and he and his wife will be living across the street with their four kids which I will be babysitting while they both work.  He is 7.

So the issue revolves around J-Toad.  He is 9 going on 40.   His maturity level sometimes surpasses Mr. Toad (does that surprise anyone?).  He also does well with Karate WHEN he puts in the effort.  Usually he stands out there and does everything half-assed.    If he catches the evil eye from me he will do better but he usually positions himself in a corner so that I can't easily see him.

It has been 8 months and he wants to quit.  I let the owners know and the woman actually let me out of my year contract and agreed to reduce my rate to just Z-Toad.   The male owner who I really like and I believe that he does have the kids best interest at heart sat down to chat with me.   In a nutshell, he pegged both my kids like he had been raising them himself.   They are completely different.

Z-Toad leads with his emotions.  All I need to do is tell him how happy he makes me or how proud I am of him and all is right in his little world.  J-Toad could care less what I or anyone else thinks.  He wants to do what he wants and that is that.   That sounds harsh.   He is basically a good kid but is in his own world where everything is how he wants it.   For example: He road his bike ONCE and hasn't been on  again because "I know how to do it.  Why do you want me to do it again?" Why does he have to constantly right stories in his journal at school - he knows all his letters.   And on and on it goes.

The Karate owner thinks J-Toad is manipulating me which I would hate to admit cause I am certainly smarter than a 9 year old but perhaps that is true.  J-Toad knows that I hate to waste money so by making half-hearted attempts at Karate he knows I will get frustrated and pull him out.  And thus we have a pattern.  I should also point out that J-Toad is the smallest one in his class.  He is on the 1% line for his height and weight.   He is ridiculously smart and sarcastic.   For pure survival he should stay in Karate.

On the other hand my cynical business side is wondering if the Karate owner is playing me - after all it is in his interest for me to keep both kids doing Karate.   And Karate isn't for everyone.  If your child was taking soccer and hated it would you put them back in it the following season?

What do you all think?


October 6, 2010

Brotherly Competition

J-Toad and Z-Toad are just 27 months apart.  They spend a majority - and by that I mean 99.8% - trying to out-do, out-compete, out-smart,  and out-love each other.  It is relentless and oh so tiring.  Well, um, at least it is exhausting for me, they seem to thrive on this crap.   Really when does it stop??

In all honesty, J-Toad is the oldest and because of such usually excels at things quicker than Z-Toad.  J-Toad is 9 going on his mid 40's.   He is ridiculously smart.   Scary smart.   He is very tiny -  not even on the 1% growth curve - tiny!  But his head size is over the 100% - we affectionately call him Jimmy Neutron :)  J-Toad excels in Karate - in Swimming - with the Computer - and at School.   And he likes to G L O A T.   Ugh.   Look I don't begrudge him his success but some humility with it would be nice.   You know the type of kid that when you tell them they did good they say "I know".   Nice, huh?   I SO don't like that and don't encourage it.

Z-Toad is younger and has a harder time at school.  When they go to swimming you can find Z-Toad cheering his brother on walking along the side of the pool.   When it is Z-'s Toad's turn you will find Jake sitting in the corner with his DS barely acknowledging Z-Toad's existence.

So this day they went Rock Climbing for the very first time.   And guess who went all the way up the wall TWICE???   Z-Toad.   I was so proud of him. J-Toad did NOT go up - barely made it a quarter of the way up.   In true J-Toad fashion he decided that he went just as high as Z-Toad cause his course up was that much harder.  UGH!  I told him no - he wasn't going to take this victory from Z-Toad.    His course was not harder - Z-Toad simply did better than him.   Not an easy lesson for him and definitely not easy as a parent.   Later that day Z-Toad went up for a second time - this time on the course that J-Toad didn't finish.  If that was J-Toad he would have been gloating from the rooftops.   Z-Toad told J-Toad to try again - it wasn't that hard - he would go up next to him.

Basically if the two of them were in a bad situation I have no doubt that Z-Toad would try to help his older brother but I am not so sure it would work the other way.    It seems just ingrained in Z-Toad.  How do I  ingraine it into the older one??