November 23, 2010

What I Am Thankful For.......

  1. I am thankful to my neighbor for hanging not 1, not 2, but THREE wind chimes on their back deck which happen to face my master bedroom window.   My day is so much more productive when I am awaken at 5 AM.  Remote starting your car and listening to the engine wind has saved me the trouble of setting a back-up alarm for 5:30.   Letting the dogs out at 6 AM is a great final reminder to get up.  Thank You.
  2. I am thankful to my husband for still NOT removing the air conditioner in the master bedroom so that the stink bugs have somewhere safe and warm to escape to before winter sends them to their death.  Perhaps we could forego the screens next summer so the wasps and bees could build their hives inside?
  3. I am thankful to wake up every morning when I fall into the toilet cause one of the boys has failed to put the seat back down.   Well, actually I AM thankful that my ass is still small enough to do that ;)
  4. I am thankful for a Dunkin Donuts who has thought of several creative ways to fulfill my morning iced coffee with milk and sugar order.   It is a unique approach to customer service.   Oh - and extra kudos for those mornings when you forget to include the straw!
  5. I am thankful to my husband for being so considerate of my time so as to not waste it on silly things like foreplay.   "Well the kids are asleep" is all the encouragement I need.
  6. I am thankful for the car, pellet stove, and TV all breaking in one week so I could easily balance my checkbook to zero.   Having to add and subtract a bunch of numbers is just too much work.
  7. I am thankful for Z-Toad being such a loving child so that he shares every cold, cough, and sniffle he gets with me.  It is great that he is only sick for a few days and that I get to keep his "love" much longer.
  8. I am also thankful for Z-Toad ratting me out to the cop when I was pulled over.  The officer asked me if I knew the speed limit.  I said "no".  Z-Toad loudly spoke up "Mommy I just told you that the speed limit was 30 and you said it didn't matter."   Glad to see my "Be Honest" lessons have been heard.  Although - "Stay away from the hot stove", "use your fork to eat", "GO get a tissue", and "we don't do that in front of anyone" have been universally ignored.
  9. I am thankful for J-Toad being so smart that after having BMI explained to him he exclaimed "Wow, mom yours must be like 90" to the room.   I am also thankful that J-Toad is capable of "reading" my bitch-face quickly and recanted his statement before Child Welfare needed to be called.
  10. Lastly I am thankful for all this wonderful technology.  Without I-phones, I-pads, X-Box's, Wii's, laptops, World of Warcraft, DS, Facebook, etc..... why we might have to {shudder} speak to one another.  Um - other than.   "Do you remember my password?",  "Can you put your headphones on?",  "Daddy how do I get to Dalaran?" and "Why can't I take my I-Pod into the bathroom?" 
Hope everyone has a Very Happy Thanksgiving!!!  I am very thankful to have such a wonderful family that gives me plenty of material to blog about!!


November 8, 2010

I Am A Very Lucky Person

You know how you have friends who win the lottery, raffle tickets, or pretty much anything based on chance?   Yeah, that is not me.   It could be you and me in a drawing.   I could have 3,450,345 tickets and you could have one.   Your name would be the one pulled.   I am not bitter.   Cause today I figured out that I am in fact truly lucky where it counts.   My kids are still alive despite me leaving them with Mr. Toad for extended periods of time.  It is miraculous really.  Three humans each with a Y chromosome left to their own devices coming out alive on the other end.   It can only be described as L U C K!

  • Mr. Toad decided to play capture the flag with the young ones.  He wanted something white to put around his neck that the children would need to try and capture.   What is white in your house??   Did you say a t-shirt?   A simple cotton t-shirt - how could that be dangerous - silly - try again.   How about a towel?  Good guess but no cause that would have meant walking up and then back down 13 steps.  Hint: Think Kitchen.   How about a trash bag?   A plastic trash bag with one of those drawstring ties?    How could kids not have fun with that?  I walked in to find my oldest with it over his head.  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
  • How about a good old-fashioned game of blind man's bluff.   Mr. Toad is blindfolded and he has to try to find the kids.   How would you blindfold yourself?   How about a pillowcase over your head??  And just for good measure why not play on the second floor in the hall near the stairs.   Don't say that we don't know how to live dangerously!  Cue screaming mom.   Dad said it was okay.
  • I came home late one night after a show.  About 3AM J-Toad is throwing up in the toilet.  And of course who does he wake to go thru this with him - MOM!!!   So I feel bad - rubbing his back - holding back my own gag reflexes when I figure out that he ate the POUND AND A HALF of grapes that were JUST bought a few hours ago.   Where was your father?   He was playing on his computer.   Need I tell you who spent the rest of the night with the sick child?
  • And just to drive the point home that you can NOT teach an old dog new tricks.   This just replayed itself out shortly after Halloween when J-Toad consumed 1/2 bag of smarties while I was out that night.   Men do not have any common sense - no matter the size, age, or supposed braindom.
  • We recently moved a broken TV into another room to await its eminent disposal.  I told the kids to NOT climb on top of it (cause, um, they are boys, it looks tall and foreboding, they are boys, it is not stable, they are boys, and as the only XX in the house I am the only voice of reason).  J-Toad says "oh - I climb on top of the TV in the toy room all the time."   What?!?!  "You can't do that" I yell like the crazy neurotic mom that I am.   J-Toad retorts: "Well Daddy sees me do it all the time and he doesn't say anything."   Even after all I have come to know and learn about Mr. Toad,  I yelled back at him "Don't lie to me!".   Ya know where this is going right?    Yes, Daddy did in fact know about it and no he didn't tell him to stop.  Why Why Why?   I ask.    "I don't want to coddle them and act like they need to where a helmet for everything".   Yeah - I got nothing anymore.   Does it surprise anyone that any male makes it past the age of 10?
  • And lastly - my current favorite.....  Mr. Toad told me to go upstairs the other night to have some alone time and he would take care of the kids.   Yes, I know, I fell for it.    I was tired.   I was sick.   What can I say?  I have no excuses.  I came downstairs 2 hours later to find Z-Toad in what I, being the neurotic XX of the house,  would call a precarious position (you will recall from an earlier post that Z-Toad is the child that had the Mac-N-Cheese incident and was in the ER with 3rd degree burns.   You will also recall that I was not the parent involved.  I am just sayin').   We have a pellet stove - no it does not have a gate around it cause I have a 46, 9, and 7 year old that I was pretty sure, up until this day, understood that a STOVE gets HOT and when it is HOT that it can BURN so - follow me now cause I am going to take a huge step here - as a result one should STAY THE FUCK AWAY from it.   Holy Hell.   There is Z-Toad in only his underwear STANDING on a chair INCHES away from the stove.   WHY?   Well it seems he was cold.  All 3 of my Y chromosomed humans look at me with a unified "DUH" look - just moments away from a collective grunt and ball scratch.   Cue my WTF look at Mr. Toad.   "Well I didn't want to send him upstairs to get more clothes and disturb you."   Nothing - and I mean nothing - says I Love You like sacrificing a loved one in favor of another.

November 2, 2010

Some Funnies & {Gulp} Political Nonsense!

I am not in a particularly good mood today.   I took both kids for their yearly physicals.   Z-Toad asked the doctor why "he was playing with his balls?"  "And, how come his is so much bigger than his brothers?"  I in turn asked the pediatrician when the filter between his mouth and brain would mature.  The outlook was not good.  He is after all male.

Both boys are mainly fine.   J-Toad has to see a geneticist (he has some odd things) and an orthopedist for his feet/ankles.   Both children flunked their eye exams.  Nice.   We won't talk about the $400 we just spent on J-Toad's glasses like 6 months ago.   I told Mr. Toad that we should just get them dollar sign costumes for next year.  Oi.

To top it off I have this nasty cold/flu/virus thing that my lovely Z-Toad gave to me from one his snot-nosed little classmates.   I blamed him for my misery and I told him that.  So there - take that to therapy when you are older.  Z-Toad told me it was my own fault for loving him so much - too many hugs and kisses.  Huh.   Take a lesson mom's: even when doing the right thing we will be blamed. 

Now on to politics........ Cause today is the day to be heard (cough cough phlegm phlegm).   I am sick to death (no pun intended) of the stupid ads, sick of people posting little political gems on their facebook walls, sick of all the lunatics waving at me when I drive (I seriously considered swerving taking out a bunch of them).    Do they think that matters? If your decision making is based upon which lunatic can jump up and down the most or wave at you the most frantically - Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.  

And Do NOT robocall me.  Just DON'T do it.  Even if you are the candidate I like it makes me want to pluck my eyes out.    It would be interesting to see a study on how many people actually listen to the whole call - like maybe 1%.    Um, this should NOT be a government sponsored survey.   It is a joke.    If you are the moron who developed this telephonic nightmare - Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

My candidate(s) sucks. period.  And so does yours.  Both have said sucky things, have done sucky things, and, guess what, will continue to do sucky things no matter what they say/do/act now.  You realize it is all just a game of who has done the least offensible things?  My candidate only cheated on his wife while yours cheated 1,000's out of money.   TIME OUT - both of you suck!   None of them can get where they are (read: monies) without owing various people / groups a myriad of things.   None of them give a rats ass about you or your family.   They all have skeletons - be careful about throwing stones cause they will be picked up and thrown right back. Cynical I know.  Are you stupid enough to believe that you will get a free house or anything else they promise if they are elected? Then Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.  

You are NOT a Democrat, Republican, Tea Party or whatever.   NO ONE can agree 100% with their party - NOT possible.   If you tell me you are 100% whatever than you are incapable of having a coherent thought on your own.   Everyone should be a registered Independent and NONE of the candidates should have a little symbol next to their name.  How about just a checklist of questions/answers from each of them?   Like when you want compare products on Amazon.    Even then I doubt you will not find a SINGLE candidate that you will agree 100%  of the time.   You picked your spouse cause you had so much in common - do you agree with them 100% of time??  And some of you have picked several spouses and been wrong every time.  Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

If you vote Republican or Democrat based upon which animal you like the best.  Dear God Please Do NOT Vote. 

If you picked your candidate based only on what Glenn Beck has said, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

If you picked your candidate based upon the "comedic" satire of Joy Behar, Dear God Please Do NOT Vote.

Your politics will change over time - based upon your own life and what is most important to you at that time. I do not consider myself politically savvy - who the hell has the time?.  I catch what I can  and go from there.   I do believe that most people do not know exactly what they are.  They are either the political party of their parents or have been the same political party forever!  Political parties have changed/evolved over time and it may be time to get reacquainted with what exactly each stands for.  There are plenty of websites you can go to find out where you fall on the political spectrum.   Some of you will be surprised.  

I got 57% Republican and 43% Democrat.    I think it was pretty accurate:

I believe in smaller government (live by Keep It Simple Stupid. Bigger = more potential corruption)
Stop fucking around with my constitutional rights.  If you wander in my house at midnight it is my right to blow your head off.
Balance the damn budget (I can't spend more than what I earn so either should you).
Provide help to those who truly need it (do not make it more attractive to be a sloth).
Stop the profit driven Go Green campaign.
Ensure that everyone is treated fairly.
Adopt a flat tax so everyone pays the same amount. Period. No exemptions/deductions/loopholes.  Your welcome I just eliminated the IRS.
Drill for friggin oil off our shores.
Put up the damn windmills.
Let gay people get married.  Why shouldn't they suffer enjoy marriage like anyone in love?
Set Term Limits (to serve in office is suppose to be a altruistic not a way of lining your own pocket).
Protect this country - invest in the military.
If you are here and illegal - make yourself legal - work hard and enjoy the American dream.
Protect our borders.  A fence - a moat - a bubble - whatever just do it.
This is America - Buck the Fuck Up - Hard Work Should Be Rewarded.

If you want/expect a free ride, get the hell out.

Please, Dear God, exercise your right to be heard and VOTE!