I don't have to talk to anyone - I can email, text, tweet, fb anyone my every little thought. For those of us with a still intact FBBM (Filter Between Brain & Mouth) these tools are perfectly acceptable. But sadly there are many who suffer from FBBM and technology for them is a drug. If it were just a simple drug addiction they would go off into their own little world and you could ignore them but these FBBMers wield technology like a weapon and suck you into their web.
To that end (and in the interest of saving time) I am going to suggest a few buttons that FB might consider adding:
Nobody Believes Your Status Messages. (this is for those pesky eternally happy people with their fucking perky happy messages - they are full of shit. They are the ones of the verge of a mental break. Mark my words in 6 months you will see them on "Dateline ID")
You Need To Up Your Meds (or Have You Been Holding Out On Me?)
Facebook is Not A Licensed Therapist. (for those annoying shits who like to post esoteric messages - it is really just a roll call for them to see which of their friends are reading them. "today is a dark day....... i can only hope for a better tomorrow") Followed by 27 messages asking "What, What, What"? Said person is no longer posting ...... You wait and look at FB - OMG - what if something happened - where could they have gone? They have gone nowhere. They have their eyes glued to their fb screen, hitting the refresh button, making a list of who has responded. The rest of you will be defriended - only to be asked to be their friend again in a week.
TMI - Get a Room! (could be renamed to: Ewwwwwwwwwww......My Eyes..... Dear God make the visual stop!!!)
Amen. Love and Praise to HIM (I am pretty sure that God does not expect or want you to praise him for everything from "I found my car keys" to "Thank god they haven't canceled General Hospital yet") Maybe fb could provide a little clicky "Praise Him" button and then when hit the button it would pop up somewhere on your profile "(insert name) has praised God today. Have you?"
I SO Don't Care. (probably applicable to 90% of all posts - although surely not any of mine)
I Pray For Everything (you don't need to ask just assume you are on the list unless otherwise explicitly noted).
Your Political Views Suck (both sides - all sides - suck - they all lie - I can poke as many holes into your beliefs as you can poke into mine. Although my arguments will undoubtedly be more articulate than yours).
My (husband, wife, children, brother, sister, UPS guy) is Truly the Bestest Ever. I already know it. They already know it. We don't feel the need to brag about it in some wall posts and make everyone else feel like shit.)
We all know your (hubby, wife, kids, sisters, brothers) and KNOW You Are Lying.
I am SO sick of reading about your friggin brats. (this of course does not apply to me, my brats, or my fb posts about said friggin brats).
I am just pressing this button because you are neurotic and I don't want a PM message, text, or call asking me why I didn't press this damn button!
And could we just change the LIKE button to what it truly is?
Please Click Here to Provide Me with Positive Affirmation. Pretty Please. Please Click Me. PLEASE!!! Dear God Please let someone click mebefore too much time has passed. oh wait are people just going to click like because they feel sorry for me. But that is still okay, right? Why does fb have to keep saying how much time has passed. I bet it only times my posts. Please someone. Maybe I should post again - some sort of computer glich must have happened. I can't believe none of my 3, 857 friends don't have time to validate me. The timer says I posted this a whole minute ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I will teach all of them. Let's see type my status here: "today is a dark day.......... i can only hope for a better tomorrow." Now let's watch the comments roll in......... I am SO liked.
And every time someone hit the LIKE button your computer would say:
"Smile (insert name here). Someone likes you at this very moment".
But in my twisted and demented mind the voice would continue....
"Please note that (friend 47, friend 52, friend 102) have yet to hit the like button although
they have all been on facebook for a total of 312 minutes, have seen your post, and have clicked like on 27 other wall posts."
How come no one has designed a little counter for everyone's page that tally's up the number of likes you get over your lifetime?
Then we could have the "How To Tell If Your Friends Really Like You" Chart:
0-100: Do I have to tell you? Find a tall bridge.
101-499: Having 2 really close friends is all that anyone really needs. Really ;)
500-999: Let me guess, always a bridesmaid, right?
1000+ : You Are Fucking Awesome! Your virtual world loves you!!!! Now go feed your 67 cats.
There is nothing worse on the news then stories about missing kids. I am not someone who cries easily but bring on parents that are desperately looking for a lost child and I am in a puddle.
It should then come as no shock that my kids have heard their who lives - from the fetus people!! - about the evil people in the world just waiting to snatch them. Don't trust anyone!! They have heard the puppy scam stories. They have been told to fight with every ounce they have in them because most times when a child is taken the outcome is tragic. They have been told to yell, scream, punch, kick, bite, anything to make you not an easy target. Do I think they listen? Shit I hope so. But they pretty much listen to nothing I say so what would make me think this would be different?
Am I neurotic? Yes. Do I live in a "bad" town? Um - nope. Do I know where the registered sex offenders live in my town? Yes. Two live one street over in the same house. Is there a reason that we can't make them all live in some frozen wasteland to freeze to death? Or if you believe the global warming idiots they can drown when it all melts.
Do I get made fun of by some relatives and friends about my neurosis? Yes. Do I care? No. They can suck it.
Here in the Toadstool we have on the ID network most frequently. Investigation Discovery. It is all about true life murders and how the perp is eventually got. It is fascinating to me. In my next life I want to be a blood splatter analysis. And, yes, I am HUGE Dexter fan. I almost exclusively read detective/murder type books.
My two toads are also addicted to the station. THEY turn to the station instead of cartoons. There is pretty much no reason that J-Toad would EVER put down his I-pod but it always gets shut off as he gets sucked in to another story. Do I have to explain some difficult words at times? Yes. Have I told them that some things need to be explained when they are older? Most definitely. We usually try to predict the outcome - whether or not we think they are guilty. I have discovered that J-Toad thinks everyone is guilty and Z-Toad, sadly, may be a defense attorney (shudder). If you are gonna have the balls to murder someone you ought to have the balls to own up to it.
During these shows there are re-enactments. Nothing ever too graphic - certainly nothing more than a movie you would see. J-Toad, as fascinated as he is by the show, will always turn away pale as a ghost and wait until that part is over. Z-Toad wants to know what make of gun, knife, etc..... that is being used. I am like Z-Toad.
Have you ever seen those shows where they test your child by putting them in a controlled situation with a stranger to see what they would do? It is AMAZING and frightening the number of children that will just go off with a stranger! I always wanted to test my kids but I have now come to realize that J-Toad would probably have a heart attack on the spot.
Yesterday I asked J-Toad to go get the mail. The distance from the house to the mailbox is not huge. I can SEE my mailbox from the house. I bet I could even throw a football the distance. He asks Z-Toad to stand in the door and watch him. I watch as he runs to the mailbox and then watch as he freaks out and runs back arms flailing back to the house.
Me: "J-Toad is there a problem?"
J-Toad: "Didn't you see the car coming?"
Me: "I saw the car driving up the road."
J-Toad: "What if they had been stalking me and waiting for me to go get the mail so they could take me?"
And with that my job is done and my neurosis has been passed to the next generation.