March 29, 2011

Selective Hearing......

My business involves traveling to different locations.  We unload our product, set up for a few days, and then the whole thing in reverse.   Hopefully the reverse process takes much less time as we are loading empty crates to take back.

When a show is local I can sometimes get  hubby to go setup for me.  
Just Stop.
Save all of your "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww - what a nice guy" comments. 
There is always a motive!!! 
A L W A Y S!!!!
He does this because my back is old and likes to kink up which can render me bed ridden.
And thus promotes him to Mr. Mom. 
A role that he does not like.   
If given the choice between doing a show or staying home with J-Toad & Z-Toad he picks the road.
In all fairness on most days the show is much less stressful :)
I mean that with much LOVE for the toads!
Just in case you read this and think you can use it in therapy.

Once I arrive at the show the organizer Cris says "Boy is your husband whipped." 
Well - ahem - yes...........
Damn - Did those pictures get out onto the internet?!?

Oh thats not what you meant?  {{blush..}}

Flash back to the evening before......
The tv is on in the background. 
Probably with a movie Mr. Toad has seen 27 times.

Me: Can you give Cris (the show organizer) a message when you get there?
Mr. Toad:  What?
Me: I will be there tomorrow morning (Friday) but I have to leave to get the kids from school at 2. I will be there all day/night on Saturday.
Mr. Toad:  (vaguely nods - a think I see a partial flicker in his eyes)
Me: Did you hear me?
Mr. Toad:  (exasperated WITH an eye roll - and he says he can't multi-task!!) Yes.
Me: What are you suppose to tell Cris?
Mr. Toad: Who is Cris?
Me: {{Bitch face}}
Mr. Toad: What?
Me: {{still bitch face trying to figure out if thinks he is being funny}}
Me: {{nope - not joking - OMFG}}  Are you serious??
Mr. Toad: What?  Are you going to stop talking so I can leave?
Me: What did I say?
Mr. Toad: To take the stuff to the show.  Where is the show again?

I end up writing a note with what I wanted to Mr. Toad to tell her.  My INTENTION was that he would look at the note and then remember what to say to her.   I was not C L E A R.    He physically hands the note to Cris.  Cris says to him "Does she want me to sign this and give it back to you?"   ROFLMAO.  

So you can imagine my shock......
The TV surround sound on ten, the kids screaming, the phone ringing, while wearing his headphones, Mr. Toad can hear me whisper 2 floors away standing next to the running washing machine.......
"You wanna have sex tonight?"


March 9, 2011

NOT a Mommy Blog - This Time!

People tell me everything.

And not because we are lifelong friends.
Just because.
They may know me 5 minutes and I can pretty much tell you their life history or some secret they have been keeping.
I meet a LOT of women.
Many many many women.
It is always the same - someone inexplicably tells me something.
It happens at scrapbooking shows.
It happens at the boys school.
It happens at flippin' Walmart!
Men, women, the old, the young just start yapping to me.

My family thinks this is funny.
Why? Cause they know me:
I am a "Suck it up" kind of girl.
"Shit or get off the pot."
I am not by nature a hugger.
I am not a kiss kiss on the cheek kind of gal.
If there was a squirrel struggling on the side of the road for life.
I would run it over again (put it out of its misery).
I would NOT get out - pick it up - and nurse it back to life.
But strangers don't seem to get that.

I always thought I had a kickass "Bitch, what?" face.
I thought I had it mastered.
But now I think, sadly, it may defective.
I was considering making myself a t-shirt.
"I don't care."
"No, really I don't want to know."
"This means you."
"Yes, you, who doesn't think it is you."
"Walk away."

So I guess it should come as no surprise when I tell you about some other experiences I have had.....

I used to have a real job. You know 40 hours + per week where someone actually handed me a physical paycheck. During this time I started to commute with a co-worker. It made sense as it was a LONG drive. He worked for one of my peers.

He was um, odd, lets just say. Highly intelligent. Socially inept.
He didn't like most people. Except me (read above paragraphs - it is a gift).
During this 120 minute commute per day we would chat. Ahem. About stuff.
I was actually getting compliments from HIS coworkers during this time that I was making him more bearable.

One day on the way home from work - my fate sealed in my ability to charm information from any source - he informs me that he and his wife (yes he is married) are swingers.
My first thought was to look for a camera - or Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the car next to us. Cause I am sure I am being punked.

WTF??? Are you kidding me?
Nope. Dear God. He is not.
And now visual images are racing thru my mind at light speed.
Please for all that is holy - someone make the images stop!!
Now you might be wondering why said car-mate was confessing such a secret.
I would also like to tell you that I did NOT divulge any of this information to my fellow co-workers. Well I did years and years later after we had all left.
But I say I get an A+ for keeping the mother of all secrets for soooooooooo long.

Why would a coworker reveal such a secret?

I have no recollection as to what I said. I just know that I was eternally thankful that it was my day to drive.
My hands firmly grasped the wheel.
My eyes focused on the road ahead.
Desperately trying to not bust a gut laughing.
Constructing lists as to who to tell first when I got to work.
Further debating myself why it would be morally wrong to tell my coworkers.

He says: I am telling you this cause I find you attractive.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
He says: And we would like to get together with you.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Holy Shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: We started swinging because I am so LARGE that it physically hurts the wife to have sex with me.
My thought bubble: How large are you?!?! And still Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: So I always feel bad having intercourse with the wife cause it hurts her. We swing so that she can have sex she can enjoy and I don't have to worry about her being in pain or causing her pain.

My thought bubble:
What? Wait. You are SO large that you physically hurt your wife but you want me cause you don't think you would hurt me? Cause I look like I could handle your ginormous member? What on earth would make you think that???? And wait - your wife wants to be with my hubby - cause you both think he is not well endowed?

What the fuck?! Get out of my car!!!!

Okay - that is not the end result. I politely turned him down and over the next few months got out of carpooling. I was a putting other lives in danger carpooling with Mr. Swinger. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult to drive and not sneak a peak to see if he had this LARGE member strapped to his leg. Such a monster should be visible thru jeans, no?

Least you think this is an "odd" occurrence in my life, I have since been approached by 2 other couples at various points in my life. Told that they swing and would like to get together.

People just like me. Blech.