January 10, 2012

Weight Loss, You, and Me

It is a new year folks and how do I know?   The 24/7 onslaught of weight loss commercials.   Yippee!!!   Celebrities in which my life and theirs have 100%? ,     um 70%?,    wait 50%?,  no no that is not it.......  20%? in common.   Or maybe exactly NOTHING in common?  

Current Diet Commercials:

Jennifer Hudson:  "Yes You Can" and "I am you. You are me." campaigns.   Yes, Miss Hudson I can.  But NO I am not you.   And you are me?  Do you have a house to clean, grocery shopping, a "real" job, kids whining at you, a husband whining at you, anything at all to fucking worry about??  And I seem to have misplaced my stylist, life coach, manager, assistant, babysitter, chef, and personal trainer.   Could you be a doll and send them back to me?  Thanks xoxo.....  Oh, and just one more thing......  Could you stop singing every flippin' line in your commercials?   I keep thinking there is a cat stuck in our chimney. 

Mariah Carey:  Seriously??  I really want to like her.  I do.  But - ugh - can she do anything without posing?  She doesn't speak on the commercial - just quick flashes of her in some skanky two piece outfit.  Oh - and a wind machine to billow her hair all over.  Yeah - that just screams weight loss program to me.  Do I just need to carry a fan in front of me??    What it does scream is that she needs a new stylist, life coach, manager, etc....

Janet Jackson is now touting Nutrisystem.   I like Miss Janet.  Her commercial is the only one that doesn't get on my nerves.   But seriously can you really picture her going into her food vault and rifling thru her nutrisystem meals.  Popping it in the microwave and chowing down on the cardboard food satisfied?   Or can you picture her picking up the phone in her limo and calling ahead to her chef to have something waiting for her that is under 400 calories?   Yeah, me too. 

My Weight Loss Plan/Goal:
  • To be a single digit size (um without physically taking a marker and obscuring the first number on the tag).   You know those long stickers that come on your pants that tell the size about 12 times so you can see it across a parking lot?   I want to lose enough so that I keep that fucking sticker on my pants.   Hell I am going to make a bodysuit of JUST those stickers.    

The How:
Realism/Dieting:  I am a bad dieter.   Mainly because I hate almost anything that is good for me.  Unless........ Has chocolate broccoli been developed yet?   So I have chosen to not consciously diet.  I am not counting a damn point nor am I paying to have cardboard food delivered to me while still having a house full of food for all my toads.   I have chosen to try and make better eating decisions every day.   Does that mean I have a brownie sometimes?  Your damn skippy it does.
Exercise:  That is my strength.  I LOVE to exercise.  I wish I had more time to exercise.   And I have refused (some days are tougher than others) to feel guilty about taking the time for me.  I walk on the treadmill for at least 60 minutes a day (I do anywhere from 3-4 miles). That is doing the trick.   If I had the brownie maybe I will do an extra 15 minutes - maybe not.  

Since August I have lost 32 lbs.  The point is do what works for you.  You don't need to count points or buy someone's prepackaged food to know that eating a donut is worse than having a bowl of oatmeal.   You know that walking to the mailbox is better for you than driving your car to it.  Don't pay someone for common sense. 

Advice for Non-Fatties Talking To Fatties:
  • If you have never been in a double digit size -just shut the fuck up.  Period.  No one cares that you were a size 4 and then - gasp - gained 10 lbs. and had to buy a six.   Talk to me when you add a "teen" to end of that. 
  • If you went up 10-20 lbs and lost it to get back to your size 4.   Well fucking hoorah for you.  Shut up.   I don't care. 
  • If you remember being a single digit size.  Good for you.   Don't share.
  • If you have trouble gaining or maintaining weight.  LOL.  Really?  Just go to the zoo and jump into the lions den.   You have a better chance of survival.
  • If you think "The Avenue" is a dance club we cannot be friends.
  • "You are beautiful" is a compliment.   "You have a beautiful face." is NOT a compliment.   Everyone fat person on the planet knows the rest of that statement is "gee, it is too bad about the rest of you."    The next time I see someone with a smokin' body I am going to say "Wow, you have a great body.......... Say, have you thought about meeting with a plastic surgeon about your face?"
 The most ridiculous thing I was ever told:

J-Toad (my 10 year old) is not growing according to the doctors charts.   In a nutshell he is not even on the growth chart.   So we met with an endocrinologists.   She is concerned because he is so thin (54 lbs.).   How is this for irony?   I have a child that I have been told needs to GAIN weight.  Yeah -  I have no clue.    Anyway she says (really I swear):  "Weight and height work hand and hand.  If you can get him to eat more calories it will help to stimulate his growth."    I looked at her and said "Really?   If that were the case I should be 7 feet tall."   She had no comment.



peas2u said...

Just love you, girl! I can't even make the font here big enough for the AMEN I wanna write! lol. Congrats on the success so far. (I am in the "preparing to think about a plan" stage.) You ARE beautiful and should feel proud!

~Kristen~ said...

A-FREAKIN-MEN!!!!! Girl you rock my world!!! Love love love this post!!! And I love how you unabashedly tell the skinny bitches to fuck off!!! *LOVE*

Anonymous said...

bwhahahahaha so true!