He drinks, smokes, swears on stage and is about as funny as you can get.
His favorite saying is "You can't fix stupid."
No, Ron, you can't.
You can make fun of it, poke it in the eye, and swear at it.
And I, Ron White, can blog about it.
I first heard the word "clusterfuck" awhile ago and could not think of any event that I would categorize as so. But then the snow came....... and came........ and came....... and it keeps coming. And in the midst of all the white I have discovered the definition of clusterfuck.
Clusterfuck I - It is a parking lot in Worcester, Massachusetts.
It is the parking lot in which I need to drop off my toads for school.
It is the B A N E of my existence.
One Hugely Ginormous Clusterfuck.
I have included my artistic rendition of the parking lot for you to reference. The swirly patterns represents the mounds and mounds of snow. The normal path of entry begins in the lower right hand corner and then you just follow the arrows. Up the street - (a) a left up a little hill into the actual lot. There you can either take a right and (b) go behind the school to the other parking lot (i.e. Clusterfuck part deux). Or you can go left making your way around the U of parked cars - stopping to drop kick the toads out of your vehicle - and then it is back out the way you came. It seems rudimentary, no? Ah, not so quick, my friends, this is New England where we have SNOW.
Mix a little of the genius that is Ron White and voila - Clusterfuck I is born.
In the interest of full disclosure the toads attend a school in another town.
Yes - it was my choice.
Yes - I love their school.
No - I was not aware that I would be swimming in the shallow end of the pool when it came to the parking.
And Yes (sadly) I in essence pay for admission to Clusterfuck I.
- The side street that you first turn onto has tons of snow banks and yet cars still park along them making this road essentially one lane. So you sometimes have to wait for people to come down so you can get up. But if you are a complete asshole you decide to try to go around me cause I have obviously stopped in the middle of the road for the sole purpose of pissing you off. That is to the jackass of this morning.
- When you take your left up into the driveway it is vastly important that you start making this turn at least 400 feet from the actual turn cause ya know the street isn't narrow enough. Did ANYONE pay attention in driving school or geometry?? LEFT-HAND turns are suppose to be squared - not diagonal!!!
- Make sure your tires are completely bald and useless so that you are not able to get up the little hill to get into the driveway. But you will try..... and try...... and try. Like the fly that continuously flys into glass. We all know that the 27th time is the sweet spot. It is okay - the rest of us will wait.
- All drivers should be 6" or LESS away from the person they are in front of to ensure that everyone can be included in an accident. Cause we are all about inclusivity.
- Once into the lot - you can choose to take your bald ass car up another hill and try to get around the back of the school. NOTE: When you don't make it up - the first time - it is imperative that you back up (keeping your car still on the hill) - and make the attempt at least 4-5 more times to ensure that traffic is sufficiently backed up.
- Have you decided to go around the U? Great. Stop toward the front of the school and have your kids get out. Preferably in under 10 mins. I know I shouldn't expect them to be fully dressed, or have their back packs in order, or that you couldn't have finished your conversation in your drive to the school BUT could we try? Many many thanks - so sorry to inconvenience you.
RECENT EVENTS that led to the official designation of the Clusterfuck term:
I dropped the kids off in the U and proceeded to come around to take my right down the little driveway and then another right back onto the side street. I came around to find a cadallic trying unsuccessfully to get up the little road behind the school. There is now a backup of cars trying to get into the lot off of the side road. There is a car parked in the very last spot head first in front of a snow bank making it close to impossible to make the right turn but I'm gonna try. Oh - not so fast...... NOW the person behind the first person waiting for the cadallic to get up the hill comes AROUND them into what would be my exit lane. And we all know what sheep do right? Yes - that is right the sheep of cars behind that one FOLLOW. So now there are effectively 2 rows of cars coming IN to the lot. For all you math genius' - that means there is NO exit lane. ONE smart person has stopped on their way into the parking lot from the street so there is a narrow opening BUT the woman parked in the last spot (C) needs to leave as the path is thru her spot. She has been in her car (on her cell) since I pulled in to the lot. Then I see
And we wait.
Can you hear the horns?
And we wait.
I now happily (gritting my teeth can so look like a smile) get out of my car and gently (strictly a matter of interpretation) tap on her window. I politely ask her if she plans on backing up.
"You are blocking me." she says.
I, looking at 10' of space behind her, sweetly (thru my gritted teeth) inform her that she has plenty of room.
"I don't want to hit you." she says.
Really? Funny that was my thought to. Huh.
I assure her that I will not let that happen.
It takes her approx. 3.5 sec to backup and have enough room to get around the snow bank and out of the driveway. Her and I drive down the side road sideways up on the snowbank as the rest of the incoming traffic has formed an impromptu Car Cha-Cha Dance. You do know when their is a traffic jam that you are suppose to get as close as possible to the car in front of you, right?? That is to allow more cars into the traffic jam which increases everyone's enjoyment exponentially.
And then TODAY we all got to BACK UP around the U ....... WHILE people were still trying to come in to drop off their kids because 2 cars decided to park in spots D & E (see map - the lower right hand side of the parking lot) so no one had room to get all the way around the U.
Do you doubt now that this is a ginormous Clusterfuck?
I posted on Facebook the other day something like:
"This is New England folks ~ we get snow ~ it should not take me 80 minutes to go 15 miles."
The traffic was GRIDLOCKED. It took someone else from my town THREE hours to go 12 miles (on Route 9 - a main road that runs the width of the state). Is that reasonable?? Don't tell me that 3 hours or 3X a normal commute is reasonable when the roads are a little slippery. It is not. Not here. It is a handful of folks on the road that create an utter clusterfuck for the rest of us. No - you can't do the speed limit but I shouldn't be able to walk faster than you are driving.
So in an effort to save my sanity I have devised a test to determine if one should drive in snow:
If you agree with any of these statements then stay the hell OFF the roads when it snows:
a) OMG!! - New England is so pretty - and it snows here! I have NEVER seen snow.
b) I am scared to drive in that white stuff! People are going more than 10MPH that can't be safe!
c) Snow tires? Honey I don't change my tires until they blow out.
d) My car gets great gas mileage - it is really really small, close to the ground, and super light. The manufacturer recommends that it not be driven if winds will exceed 10 knots....... or up really big hills. Oh wait - in small print it says "not good for snow........ or rain....... drive only when sunny". Huh.
Oh wait - how about a SNOW DRIVING COURSE / TEST?
Nah - that's not gonna work.
CAUSE YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID!!!
Hugs (and patience) ~