June 9, 2011

Maybe Things Are Only Funny In My Head?

Or Alternatively Titled:  The 4,328th reason that my children will require therapy.

Getting Z-Toad up in the morning for school is not easy - nor is it pleasant.   It doesn't matter how much sleep he gets, it doesn't matter if he went bed in a great mood, and it doesn't matter the method in which I wake him - he is flippin' G R O U C H Y!

I have tried literally yanking him out of bed by his feet (this method works on my older child who would sleep thru a nuclear attack), I have tried waking him slowly over the span of an hour with music or some NiKTV crap, I have tried tickling him, and I have tried being all nicey-nice whispering that it is time to get up, that he is the greatest child ever and my favorite over what's his face (just a joke people) and all that positive affirmation crap.  And ya know what?   Nothing changes.  He is THE Grouchmiser in the am.

I have learned to make him to a shower the night before to avoid a meltdown in the morning - that would be my meltdown not his!  He doesn't want to put clothes on, he doesn't want to brush his teeth, and he even insists that after 72,000 hours of sleep and 270 ounces of water guzzled .0000004 seconds before he falls asleep that he does not need the bathroom in the morning.

Then one morning as he was standing in front of the toilet arguing with me for the gazillonith time, I started talking like I was his pee-pee (no I don't call it his penis because if I said the real word he would say it like 500 times within a 3 minute span and probably in the middle of church).  I bet you didn't know that a pee-pee could have a voice?   Well it can and it does.  In my head I see a Pee-Pee Muppet.  It looks like a paper towel roll with a face and a beret on top.  Cause see for some reason the voice came out....... with a  French accent.      

So in the morning if you were to eavesdrop outside the bathroom window you would hear:
(Please read Z-Toad's line as if a font called    "7 Year Old Whiny Squeaky Voice  "   existed. )

Z-Toad:  Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Can't I sleep more?
Me: Go to the bathroom Zach
Z-Toad: I DON'T HAVE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Lift the toilet seat Z-Toad.
Z-Toad: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I don't need to.
Me: Z-Toad yes you do.  (turning on the faucet)
Z-Toad:  MOOOMMMM - Don't you listen to me!!!!
Me: (as Pierre the Pee-Pee with a beret):   What do you mean we don't have to go??   I have been in bed for 10 hours dood!  TEN Hours!  Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!  I have been stuck in your underwear in the dark all night!  For the love of Pete,  I have to goooooooooooo.  (by now Z-Toad is usually giggling).    Your the one that drank all the water before we went to bed.  I told you not to!   Why did you do that?  I had to hold it all night so you could sleep.   Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!!  I have to go........

By now he is laughing - and going to the bathroom.  It also effectively eliminates the grouchy Z-Toad monster.

Then one morning this image just popped into my head.  Z-Toad is out on date.......and you know things are happening and now Pierre the Pee-Pee is starting to talk to Z-toad for other reasons.  Except the end message is still the same:  Take me out!  Take me out!  

And in that moment who's voice do you think Z-Toad will hear in his head??   What memory will pop into his head?        

So to the future Mrs. Z-Toad - I apologize....... a little.



middle child said...

"paper towel roll with a beret on top and a french accent." Shit. You could have stopped right there. I was laughing so loud!!!! It takes ALOT to make me laugh like that. And the rest of it?.....you are absolutely brilliant!!!! Thank-you s much for the joy.

Grimmgirl said...

Oh, just add this to the list of the various ways we damage our kids! So funny.

Unknown Mami said...

You are sick and twisted! And hilarious.