Maybe Things Are Only Funny In My Head?

Or Alternatively Titled:  The 4,328th reason that my children will require therapy.

Getting Z-Toad up in the morning for school is not easy - nor is it pleasant.   It doesn't matter how much sleep he gets, it doesn't matter if he went bed in a great mood, and it doesn't matter the method in which I wake him - he is flippin' G R O U C H Y!

I have tried literally yanking him out of bed by his feet (this method works on my older child who would sleep thru a nuclear attack), I have tried waking him slowly over the span of an hour with music or some NiKTV crap, I have tried tickling him, and I have tried being all nicey-nice whispering that it is time to get up, that he is the greatest child ever and my favorite over what's his face (just a joke people) and all that positive affirmation crap.  And ya know what?   Nothing changes.  He is THE Grouchmiser in the am.

I have learned to make him to a shower the night before to avoid a meltdown in the morning - that would be my meltdown not his!  He doesn't want to put clothes on, he doesn't want to brush his teeth, and he even insists that after 72,000 hours of sleep and 270 ounces of water guzzled .0000004 seconds before he falls asleep that he does not need the bathroom in the morning.

Then one morning as he was standing in front of the toilet arguing with me for the gazillonith time, I started talking like I was his pee-pee (no I don't call it his penis because if I said the real word he would say it like 500 times within a 3 minute span and probably in the middle of church).  I bet you didn't know that a pee-pee could have a voice?   Well it can and it does.  In my head I see a Pee-Pee Muppet.  It looks like a paper towel roll with a face and a beret on top.  Cause see for some reason the voice came out....... with a  French accent.      

So in the morning if you were to eavesdrop outside the bathroom window you would hear:
(Please read Z-Toad's line as if a font called    "7 Year Old Whiny Squeaky Voice  "   existed. )

Z-Toad:  Mooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Can't I sleep more?
Me: Go to the bathroom Zach
Z-Toad: I DON'T HAVE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Lift the toilet seat Z-Toad.
Z-Toad: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.  I don't need to.
Me: Z-Toad yes you do.  (turning on the faucet)
Z-Toad:  MOOOMMMM - Don't you listen to me!!!!
Me: (as Pierre the Pee-Pee with a beret):   What do you mean we don't have to go??   I have been in bed for 10 hours dood!  TEN Hours!  Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!  I have been stuck in your underwear in the dark all night!  For the love of Pete,  I have to goooooooooooo.  (by now Z-Toad is usually giggling).    Your the one that drank all the water before we went to bed.  I told you not to!   Why did you do that?  I had to hold it all night so you could sleep.   Take me out!!!  Take me out!!!!  I have to go........

By now he is laughing - and going to the bathroom.  It also effectively eliminates the grouchy Z-Toad monster.

Then one morning this image just popped into my head.  Z-Toad is out on date.......and you know things are happening and now Pierre the Pee-Pee is starting to talk to Z-toad for other reasons.  Except the end message is still the same:  Take me out!  Take me out!  

And in that moment who's voice do you think Z-Toad will hear in his head??   What memory will pop into his head?        

So to the future Mrs. Z-Toad - I apologize....... a little.

Hugs~
Tracie

Some New Button Ideas for Facebook!

I don't have to talk to anyone - I can email, text, tweet, fb anyone my every little thought.  For those of us with a still intact FBBM (Filter Between Brain & Mouth) these tools are perfectly acceptable.   But sadly there are many who suffer from FBBM and technology for them is a drug.   If it were just a simple drug addiction they would go off into their own little world and you could ignore them but these FBBMers wield technology like a weapon and suck you into their web.

To that end (and in the interest of saving time) I am going to suggest a few buttons that FB might consider adding:


Nobody Believes Your Status Messages.  (this is for those pesky eternally happy people with their fucking perky happy messages - they are full of shit.   They are the ones of the verge of a mental break.  Mark my words in 6 months you will see them on "Dateline ID")

You Need To Up Your Meds (or Have You Been Holding Out On Me?)

Facebook is Not A Licensed Therapist.  (for those annoying shits who like to post esoteric messages - it is really just a roll call for them to see which of their friends are reading them.  "today is a dark day....... i can only hope for a better tomorrow")  Followed by 27 messages asking "What, What, What"?   Said person is no longer posting ......  You wait and look at FB - OMG - what if something happened - where could they have gone?   They have gone nowhere.   They have their eyes glued to their fb screen, hitting the refresh button, making a list of who has responded.   The rest of you will be defriended - only to be asked to be their friend again in a week.

TMI - Get a Room!  (could be renamed to:  Ewwwwwwwwwww......My Eyes..... Dear God make the visual stop!!!)

Amen. Love and Praise to HIM (I am pretty sure that God does not expect or want you to praise him for everything from "I found my car keys" to "Thank god they haven't canceled General Hospital yet")  Maybe fb could provide a little clicky "Praise Him" button and then when hit the button it would pop up somewhere on your profile "(insert name) has praised God today.  Have you?"

I SO Don't Care.   (probably applicable to 90% of all posts - although surely not any of mine)

I Pray For Everything (you don't need to ask just assume you are on the list unless otherwise explicitly noted).

Your Political Views Suck (both sides - all sides - suck - they all lie - I can poke as many holes into your beliefs as you can poke into mine.   Although my arguments will undoubtedly be more articulate than yours).

My (husband, wife, children, brother, sister, UPS guy) is Truly the Bestest Ever.   I already know it.  They already know it.  We don't feel the need to brag about it in some wall posts and make everyone else feel like shit.)

We all know your (hubby, wife, kids, sisters, brothers) and KNOW You Are Lying.

I am SO sick of reading about your friggin brats.  (this of course does not apply to me, my brats, or my fb posts about said friggin brats).  

I am just pressing this button because you are neurotic and I don't want a PM message, text, or call asking me why I didn't press this damn button!



And could we just change the LIKE button to what it truly is?


Please Click Here to Provide Me with Positive Affirmation.  Pretty Please.  Please Click Me.  PLEASE!!!  Dear God Please let someone click me before too much time has passed.   oh wait are people  just going to click like because they feel sorry for me.   But that is still okay, right?  Why does fb have to keep saying how much time has passed.   I bet it only times my posts.   Please someone.   Maybe I should post again - some sort of computer glich must have happened.   I can't believe none of my 3, 857 friends don't have time to  validate me.   The timer says I posted this a whole minute ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I will teach all of them.  Let's see type my status here:  "today is a dark day.......... i can only hope for a better tomorrow."   Now let's watch the comments roll in.........  I am SO liked.  


And every time someone hit the LIKE button your computer would say:
"Smile (insert name here).   Someone likes you at this very moment".   
But in my twisted and demented mind the voice would continue....
"Please note that (friend 47, friend 52, friend 102) have yet to hit the like button although
they have all been on facebook  for a total of 312 minutes, have seen your post, and have clicked like on 27 other wall posts."

How come no one has designed a little counter for everyone's page that tally's up the number of likes you get over your lifetime?   

Then we could have the "How To Tell If Your Friends Really Like You" Chart:


0-100:  Do I have to tell you?   Find a tall bridge.
101-499:  Having 2 really close friends is all that anyone really needs.   Really ;)
500-999:  Let me guess, always a bridesmaid, right?
1000+ :   You Are Fucking Awesome!   Your virtual world loves you!!!!   Now go feed your 67 cats.


Hugs~
Tracie


Um- and go click like - please?

Don't Say I Give My Kids Nothing ........... Neurosis Is Something!

There is nothing worse on the news then stories about missing kids.   I am not someone who cries easily but bring on parents that are desperately looking for a lost child and I am in a puddle.

It should then come as no shock that my kids have heard their who lives - from the fetus people!! - about the evil people in the world just waiting to snatch them.   Don't trust anyone!!  They have heard the puppy scam stories.   They have been told to fight with every ounce they have in them because most times when a child is taken the outcome is tragic.   They have been told to yell, scream, punch, kick, bite, anything to make you not an easy target.   Do I think they listen?   Shit I hope so.   But they pretty much listen to nothing I say so what would make me think this would be different?

Am I neurotic?  Yes.   Do I live in a "bad" town?  Um - nope.   Do I know where the registered sex offenders live in my town?  Yes.    Two live one street over in the same house.    Is there a reason that we can't make them all live in some frozen wasteland to freeze to death?  Or if you believe the global warming idiots they can drown when it all melts.

Do I get made fun of by some relatives and friends about my neurosis?   Yes.   Do I care?  No.  They can suck it. 

Here in the Toadstool we have on the ID network most frequently.   Investigation Discovery.  It is all about true life murders and how the perp is eventually got.   It is fascinating to me.   In my next life I want to be a blood splatter analysis.   And, yes, I am HUGE Dexter fan.  I almost exclusively read detective/murder type books.

My two toads are also addicted to the station.  THEY turn to the station instead of cartoons.   There is pretty much no reason that J-Toad would EVER put down his I-pod but it always gets shut off as he gets sucked in to another story.   Do I have to explain some difficult words at times?   Yes.   Have I told them that some things need to be explained when they are older?  Most definitely.    We usually try to predict the outcome - whether or not we think they are guilty.   I have discovered that J-Toad thinks everyone is guilty and Z-Toad, sadly, may be a defense attorney (shudder).   If you are gonna have the balls to murder someone you ought to have the balls to own up to it. 

During these shows there are re-enactments.  Nothing ever too graphic - certainly nothing more than a movie you would see.   J-Toad, as fascinated as he is by the show, will always turn away pale as a ghost and wait until that part is over.   Z-Toad wants to know what make of gun, knife, etc..... that is being used.   I am like Z-Toad.

Have you ever seen those shows where they test your child by putting them in a controlled situation with a stranger to see what they would do?   It is AMAZING and frightening the number of children that will just go off with a stranger!  I always wanted to test my kids but I have now come to realize that J-Toad would probably have a heart attack on the spot.

Yesterday I asked J-Toad to go get the mail.   The distance from the house to the mailbox is not huge.  I can SEE my mailbox from the house.   I bet I could even throw a football the distance.   He asks Z-Toad to stand in the door and watch him.   I watch as he runs to the mailbox and then watch as he freaks out and runs back arms flailing back to the house. 

Me: "J-Toad is there a problem?"
J-Toad:  "Didn't you see the car coming?"
Me:  "I saw the car driving up the road."
J-Toad:  "What if they had been stalking me and waiting for me to go get the mail so they could take me?"

And with that my job is done and my neurosis has been passed to the next generation.
Your Welcome.

Hugs~
Tracie

Why I am not concerned about my childrens safety and comfort.

I had to go into the school this am and talk to Z-Toad's teacher.  It will be 80 here today and I told the kids not to bring their jackets because the school's policy is that they wear out to recess whatever they were sent to school in.  Completely stupid.  Wouldn't want anyone to exercise reason or common sense.

I made an error in judgment last month - okay, well I didn't the weather morons got it wrong.  It was suppose to increase in temperature by the afternoon and it did not.  When the kids left school it was cool, wet, and miserable.  And - gasp - shock - they came out of school had to walk 2 whole minutes to get to the car in short sleeve shirts.  I hardly think it killed them.

Here is the thing.   I DRIVE them to school every morning and I pick them up at the end of school.   The only time they are outside is during a 20 minute recess.   I suppose you could count the 5 minutes in the am before school and the 5 minutes in the afternoon after school.   They are not on a bus - they are not waiting outside for anything - they don't have to walk 3 miles uphill in 4' deep snow.   Get it?   The teacher's know this.

So this morning Z-Toad is having a complete meltdown over not having a jacket cause he was going to loose recess.  His teacher says they have to bring a coat or they don't get recess.  Oh really?  I tell Z-Toad I am your Mom and I trump teacher every time.   Z-Toad is now sobbing "MOM"!!!! 

In the school I go to talk to Z-Toad's teacher.
Comments in red are what I should have said.

Me: Hi.  I just wanted to let you know that Z-Toad does not have a jacket today.  He seems to think he will lose his recess.
Teacher:  Oh no.  That is fine for today.   It was that other time when it was like 30 out and he didn't have a coat.  That day there was an issue.
Me: Bitch - L E T     I  T      G O    Well yes that was my error.  The weather was not suppose to get that bad.   Although it was not 30 degrees that morning.
Teacher:  You realize as his teacher I am concerned for his safety and comfort.
Me: Whew!!!!  I can just take that off my parenting "things to do" list if you have that covered.  Perhaps you should be more concerned about 2 brats kids playing "Tackle Zachary" at recess resulting in him getting a big huge bruise on his forehead.   Well as his mom I think I can decide whether or not he needs a jacket.
Teacher:  We are just concerned for the kids.
Me:  Apparently listening is not a high priority for the superior parent/teacher.   Again I am perfectly capable of deciding what my children should wear on any given day.   My older toad has an issue where he doesn't sweat.  When he gets overheated he turns pale, feels like he is going to vomit, and gets a headache.   He physically doesn't sweat.   The doctors still haven't been able to figure out why.   But since he was born - he does not sleep with covers.  Ever.  30 degrees below zero - no covers.  As his mom I always want to make sure that all the teachers are aware so that nothing more drastic happens to him.   So I am very sensitive to the "safety and comfort" of my children.
Teacher: Is the lack of sweat due to him being dehydrated?  Maybe he just needs more liquids?
Me: Holy Shit you are a pediatrician too?   Wow you is wicked smart.  I will let the doctors know that you have solved this medical mystery that has plagued them for 8 years in like 30 seconds.  And without seeing his medical history or even a physical exam!!!!    Well I am sure the doctors at Children's Hospital have looked at that in conjunction with the battery of other tests they have run.  But as I have said they are still not sure why he doesn't sweat "normal".   All I am told is that if he starts feeling sick and is uncomfortable that he needs to move out of the heat.

All this over a stupid jacket.  
Maybe tomorrow I will send him in a bathing suit ;)

Hugs~
Tracie

What?

Z-Toad is 7.5 and the next 11.5 years for him and I are going to be a ride.
Buckle Up!!   I think it is gonna get a wee bit bumpy.
He is essentially me in male form (that statement alone should make you shudder).
He is pretty much a fun kid to be around - tells crazy stories - and has a wicked sense of humor.
Oh - and surprise - he is somewhat sarcastic. 
I have absolutely no idea where he gets it from :)
And Yes - I consider that a positive trait - most days it is the only thing between myself and the men with the white coats.

As of late Z-Toad has been a tad bit, um, difficult.  That he gets from his father.

When I pick the toads up from school I sometimes chat with the other mom's about the stupidity amazing school they attend and all the completely ridiulous relevant projects they must complete.
I expect the toads to behave while I chat and at the very least follow the school rules as if they were actually still in school being watched by their teachers.  This is where I am naive. 

Z-Toad has informed me that he can only be "good" for so many hours and he uses that all up at school because he is afraid of going to the principals office.  And, evidently, he is NOT afraid of me.

I told the toads that from now on when I picked them up they are NOT to go off of the tar (which is the school rule).  If they did not behave they would lose their computer. 
This rule had to be amended to "anything that plugs in at some point in its life to be active" or I had to go through.
"So I can use my DS?"
No.
"So I can use my IPhone?"
No.
"I can use your IPhone?"
No.
"The Wii?"
No.
"The X-Box?"
No.   You can use the Playstation.
"Mom we don't have a playstation"
"Really?  That is too bad cause that is the one thing you are NOT grounded from."  
Ha!  Damn I am good I think.  I got my 7 year old.
Do not judge - some days it is all about the little victories!

Fast Forward to the very next day and Surpise! Z-Toad has lost all his electronic stuff.   J-Toad was extremely well behaved cause I am pretty sure that he himself requires recharging.

Of course now that Z-Toad had lost access to all that is holy in his life he had nothing left to lose and out came his wild self.
I upped the punishment to "If you don't behave now you can not go to L-Toad's house tomorrow."   He has been waiting F O R E V E R to be invited over.  
Apparently I signed up for the I take your kid 5 times and you take mine Once In A Friggin' Blue Moon Program.   That would get him to behave for sure I thought!

Z-Toad decides to tempt fate - and my hand - by walking a pretend tightrope at the very edge of the tar.   And then Oops! He lost is balance and took a few steps into the punishment zone.  Not once but like 7 times.
Did anyone see that coming?
"Sorry, Mom, but it doesn't count cause I lost my balance."
Oh yes, yes it did count and now you are not going over L-Toad's house (damnit damnit damnit - now I want to cry!) I say as I wrap my hand around his wrist in a totally lovingly and in no way cutting off his circulation manner.
"Mom, mom, your gonna make my hand fall off, you are holding it too tight"

Then the funniest thing happened but I lost my balance cause I was walking on very edge of the tar and my fingernails somehow dug into his wrist.   Huh.  Go figure.
"Ow, Ow, Ow, Mom!!!"
"Sorry, Z-Toad, but it doesn't count I lost my balance."
He looks at me.  I look at him
"What?" I say with my best innocent look and arched eyebrow.
And that is a WIN for Mom!!!   So off I go in my delusional victory.

On the way home he informs me that it is his teacher's birthday tomorrow and can we make cupcakes. Considering he can use all the brownie points he can get, I agree to stop at the store on the way home.

Flash forward to the 3 of us standing in line to checkout with:
Cake Mix
Frosting


I have not let go of his wrist in the market either - cause between no electronics and no L-Toad visit - he is a hurricane just waiting to be unleashed.

It is almost our turn........

Z-Toad says:
"Mom"  then looks at the cake mix and frosting.
"Didn't you say you were going on a DIET?"
For a moment I contemplated squeezing his hand even tighter although I wasn't sure I had that much strength left.   I even thought that he possibly said that completely innocently until I looked down at him and he looked up at me and said:

"What?" with the innocent face and arched eyebrow.

Hugs~
Tracie

Selective Hearing......

My business involves traveling to different locations.  We unload our product, set up for a few days, and then the whole thing in reverse.   Hopefully the reverse process takes much less time as we are loading empty crates to take back.

When a show is local I can sometimes get  hubby to go setup for me.  
Just Stop.
Now.  
Save all of your "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww - what a nice guy" comments. 
There is always a motive!!! 
A L W A Y S!!!!
He does this because my back is old and likes to kink up which can render me bed ridden.
And thus promotes him to Mr. Mom. 
A role that he does not like.   
If given the choice between doing a show or staying home with J-Toad & Z-Toad he picks the road.
In all fairness on most days the show is much less stressful :)
I mean that with much LOVE for the toads!
Just in case you read this and think you can use it in therapy.

Once I arrive at the show the organizer Cris says "Boy is your husband whipped." 
Well - ahem - yes...........
Damn - Did those pictures get out onto the internet?!?

Oh thats not what you meant?  {{blush..}}

Flash back to the evening before......
The tv is on in the background. 
Probably with a movie Mr. Toad has seen 27 times.

Me: Can you give Cris (the show organizer) a message when you get there?
Mr. Toad:  What?
Me: I will be there tomorrow morning (Friday) but I have to leave to get the kids from school at 2. I will be there all day/night on Saturday.
Mr. Toad:  (vaguely nods - a think I see a partial flicker in his eyes)
Me: Did you hear me?
Mr. Toad:  (exasperated WITH an eye roll - and he says he can't multi-task!!) Yes.
Me: What are you suppose to tell Cris?
Mr. Toad: Who is Cris?
Me: {{Bitch face}}
Mr. Toad: What?
Me: {{still bitch face trying to figure out if thinks he is being funny}}
Me: {{nope - not joking - OMFG}}  Are you serious??
Mr. Toad: What?  Are you going to stop talking so I can leave?
Me: What did I say?
Mr. Toad: To take the stuff to the show.  Where is the show again?


I end up writing a note with what I wanted to Mr. Toad to tell her.  My INTENTION was that he would look at the note and then remember what to say to her.   I was not C L E A R.    He physically hands the note to Cris.  Cris says to him "Does she want me to sign this and give it back to you?"   ROFLMAO.  

So you can imagine my shock......
The TV surround sound on ten, the kids screaming, the phone ringing, while wearing his headphones, Mr. Toad can hear me whisper 2 floors away standing next to the running washing machine.......
"You wanna have sex tonight?"

Hugs~
Tracie

NOT a Mommy Blog - This Time!

People tell me everything.
I mean EVERYTHING.

And not because we are lifelong friends.
Just because.
They may know me 5 minutes and I can pretty much tell you their life history or some secret they have been keeping.
I meet a LOT of women.
Many many many women.
It is always the same - someone inexplicably tells me something.
It happens at scrapbooking shows.
It happens at the boys school.
It happens at flippin' Walmart!
Men, women, the old, the young just start yapping to me.

My family thinks this is funny.
Why? Cause they know me:
I am a "Suck it up" kind of girl.
"Shit or get off the pot."
I am not by nature a hugger.
I am not a kiss kiss on the cheek kind of gal.
If there was a squirrel struggling on the side of the road for life.
I would run it over again (put it out of its misery).
I would NOT get out - pick it up - and nurse it back to life.
But strangers don't seem to get that.

I always thought I had a kickass "Bitch, what?" face.
I thought I had it mastered.
But now I think, sadly, it may defective.
I was considering making myself a t-shirt.
"I don't care."
"No, really I don't want to know."
"This means you."
"Yes, you, who doesn't think it is you."
"Walk away."

So I guess it should come as no surprise when I tell you about some other experiences I have had.....

I used to have a real job. You know 40 hours + per week where someone actually handed me a physical paycheck. During this time I started to commute with a co-worker. It made sense as it was a LONG drive. He worked for one of my peers.

He was um, odd, lets just say. Highly intelligent. Socially inept.
He didn't like most people. Except me (read above paragraphs - it is a gift).
During this 120 minute commute per day we would chat. Ahem. About stuff.
I was actually getting compliments from HIS coworkers during this time that I was making him more bearable.

One day on the way home from work - my fate sealed in my ability to charm information from any source - he informs me that he and his wife (yes he is married) are swingers.
My first thought was to look for a camera - or Ashton Kutcher to jump out of the car next to us. Cause I am sure I am being punked.

WTF??? Are you kidding me?
Nope. Dear God. He is not.
And now visual images are racing thru my mind at light speed.
Please for all that is holy - someone make the images stop!!
Now you might be wondering why said car-mate was confessing such a secret.
I would also like to tell you that I did NOT divulge any of this information to my fellow co-workers. Well I did years and years later after we had all left.
But I say I get an A+ for keeping the mother of all secrets for soooooooooo long.

Why would a coworker reveal such a secret?

I have no recollection as to what I said. I just know that I was eternally thankful that it was my day to drive.
My hands firmly grasped the wheel.
My eyes focused on the road ahead.
Desperately trying to not bust a gut laughing.
Constructing lists as to who to tell first when I got to work.
Further debating myself why it would be morally wrong to tell my coworkers.

He says: I am telling you this cause I find you attractive.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.
He says: And we would like to get together with you.
My thought bubble: Holy shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Holy Shit. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: We started swinging because I am so LARGE that it physically hurts the wife to have sex with me.
My thought bubble: How large are you?!?! And still Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
He says: So I always feel bad having intercourse with the wife cause it hurts her. We swing so that she can have sex she can enjoy and I don't have to worry about her being in pain or causing her pain.

My thought bubble: What? Wait. You are SO large that you physically hurt your wife but you want me cause you don't think you would hurt me? Cause I look like I could handle your ginormous member? What on earth would make you think that???? And wait - your wife wants to be with my hubby - cause you both think he is not well endowed?

What the fuck?! Get out of my car!!!!

Okay - that is not the end result. I politely turned him down and over the next few months got out of carpooling. I was a putting other lives in danger carpooling with Mr. Swinger. No matter how hard I tried, it was difficult to drive and not sneak a peak to see if he had this LARGE member strapped to his leg. Such a monster should be visible thru jeans, no?

Least you think this is an "odd" occurrence in my life, I have since been approached by 2 other couples at various points in my life. Told that they swing and would like to get together.

People just like me. Blech.

Hugs~
Tracie